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Original poster

Heart break - tell me it get’s going to get better.

21 replies

Purplependant222 · 13/12/2021 23:42

I’ve just had a break up, I called it off as I got tired at arguing at the same things. We genuinely loved each other but there was major flaws that couldn’t be overcome.

I’ve never felt this hurt before, it feels worse than a death and my face is stinging from the tears.

I’ve cried in Lidl, I’ve cried walking into my house (but the home we shared together), I’ve cried looking on iPlayer as I saw our favourite go to programme, I’m sitting in silence as I’m scared our songs will come on. I can’t stop looking at pictures or his SM. I’m exhausted but I don’t want to pour myself a drink as I never just made one, or he would call that he’s already done the bedtime drinks.

We just wasn’t compatible but he was my best friend. I know he’ll be laying in his bed with his eyes all puffy too. I want him to call to hear his voice, and we’d make awkward jokes until we both laugh but this break up needs to happen.

I knew this would hurt, probably why we let the relationship continue for so long and I know that things will get better. I believe that one day I’ll find this love again, we’ll make new ‘our songs’ and i’ll look back and know I made the right decision.

please tell me that it does get better and I’ve done the right thing.

OP posts:
nannybeach · 13/12/2021 23:48

It absolutely does get better. If you were arguing a lot,he wasn't your best friend. You don't spend all your time arguing with your best friend. How long were you together? It's not worse than death,if you loose some one you love because they die.Sit,and write down all the negative points of the relationship.

Alysskea · 13/12/2021 23:50

It will get better. This mourning stage is going to happen, so be kind to yourself while it does. But it will not last forever, you will start to feel much better and the sadness will pass.

halloweenie13 · 13/12/2021 23:51

It does, when I split with my partner of over 5 years in Jan I thought I was never going to be happy again, about 4 months on I finally started feeling back to myself and now almost a year on I can't even imagine my life with him and can only in hind sight look back at how unhappy I was!

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Sn0tnose · 13/12/2021 23:56

You have to delete everything that makes you think of him. Block his social media. Delete your programmes. Make a playlist of ‘safe’ songs and only listen to that. Move your furniture around. If he used a particular mug, bin it. It’s the easiest way.

Justmuddlingalong · 13/12/2021 23:59

You'll feel shit, but over time, less shit. There's no easy way to get through it, just time. You will have the sympathy of everyone who's ever been through it. Be kind to yourself. Mope, cry, wail and question your decision, but you know it's for the best and this too shall pass. 💐

Original poster
Purplependant222 · 14/12/2021 00:06

Thank you all! This is exactly what I needed. I keep flitting between looking to the future (I know I need to work on myself/I’ve been inspired to decorate/I have great friends who are being the most supported and wrapping me in love).

Then I see the mug that he drank out of and I don’t dare move it. Not changing the sheets as I want to smell him.

But I know this is the right thing and I’m always ok in the end.

OP posts:
RaisedByPangolins · 14/12/2021 00:07

I’ve just split with my boyfriend of 9 years and it hurts like hell. But it also hurt like hell many times before when we’d argue and say the most horrendous and disrespectful things to each other. Or when I’d feel disappointed and thwarted when I realised that he was going to let me down.

My future was really just much more of the same and I’m so tired of it. When you pick a partner you pick a particular set of problems and those will never change. You just have to decide if you can live with them or not.

And you have decided that you just can’t. Neither can I.

It takes a lot of courage to leave someone you love dearly because you know it won’t work long term. So be gentle with yourself and plough all of the love and care that you had for him into yourself. You deserve to be happy. Nobody is happy all the time, but when you have a fundamental clash that recurs over and over then you know there’s something wrong in the mix. You’ve made a brave choice and this temporary pain will pass, until you can remember the happy times with a smile but also look forward.

I had some awful arguments with my XH whom I left 10 years ago before meeting my recent ex. But these days I only tend to remember the nice bits, we have a laugh about the old days and when I imagine feeling happy and fulfilled, those are the times I look back to. I’m sure the same will come in time with my recent BF, and instead of the anger and bitterness at all the times I’ve felt unsupported and alone I’ll hopefully remember the nice bits.

I haven’t got round to getting rid of everything yet, but I know from past experience it’s the only way I can get past it. I need a clean sweep, all reminders binned or hidden away, because otherwise I get swept up in the idea that if only we tried harder things would be better. They will never be better.

halloweenie13 · 14/12/2021 00:14

As above also said you need to block him and his family on everything as it's good for a clean break and if you're not ready to throw his stuff away yet that's ok but gather everything of his and put it away in a box where you wont think about it

Fatherliamdeliverance · 14/12/2021 00:23

Oh bless you, it's awful but sounds like you've given this a lot of careful thought and it's right. Can you start by unfollowing him and all his family on social media so they're not visible to you?

nannybeach · 14/12/2021 09:05

Raisedby,what a brilliant post. I suspect most of us have been there. My worst was my 1st H(who tried to kill me) 20 years,we were married, slightly different I know,but a few years down the line, it was a distant memory, the only "good" was my 3DKs,who unfortunately are all very damaged. One DD (2marriage) has had a few long term relationships, couple of DKs,met someone (very) recently says this is the ONE, she's always been antimarriage,I've heard the M word mentioned!

Bubblecap · 14/12/2021 09:24

I always say you can love someone as much as you like but it doesn’t mean you can be together. I always bailed out sharpish at the very first sign of an issue so I have got to my fifties without ever experiencing genuine heartbreak over a bloke because I never got too attached. I have been married for 20 years now and am very attached and must admit it actually scares me.

My much older sisters had a lot of heartbreak I saw it and it scared me but they were all ok. They all threw themselves in to hobbies and doing stuff with friends. One did have a bad habit of dating immediately and not giving herself a chance to heal, avoid that.

AstroBunny · 14/12/2021 09:26

Write down all the shitty parts of your relationship while they are fresh in your head. Refer to this list often, especially when you become clouded and befuddled by the rose tinted lenses that inevitably develop after a break up…you’ll only remember ‘the good times’ and that’s the danger zone, that part where you feel weakened by grief and will do anything to relieve the pain of the break up. Remember ‘the bad times’. Remember why you had to split for the sake of your future happiness. If you can keep hold of that, you will make it through to the other side Flowers

Nov910 · 14/12/2021 09:29

I’m in the same boat op..so tough isn’t it?
The worst part is feeling like you’ve lost a best friend? We had so much fun but sometimes other issues override that.

FireworkParrot · 14/12/2021 09:42

It takes a lot of courage to leave someone you love dearly because you know it won’t work long term.

I agree with this, I had two long term boyfriends before I met DH and in both cases, it was my partner that ended things because even though I knew things were wrong I just couldn't image being without them. They both did me a huge favour ending something that wasn't right. You've made an incredibly brave decision so you already know you're a strong woman. So you'll get through this, and then you'll flourish.

MeredithMae · 14/12/2021 17:12

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.

It will get better OP. Be kind to yourself Flowers

RaisedByPangolins · 14/12/2021 17:43

Wow I love that Meredith! Strangely I just saw a quote on FB about 5 mins ago about planting your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. So true

MeredithMae · 15/12/2021 09:08

Same, @raised. Someone wrote it down on a beautiful bit of paper and sent it to me post a break up once and it's always stayed with me.

Original poster
Purplependant222 · 15/12/2021 11:55

Thank you all, my emotions are a rollercoaster but I’m feeling 100x better than when I typed this. When I feel sad/lonely that I’ve maybe made the wrong decision I read this thread. So thank you all for giving me strength Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplependant222 · 21/12/2021 23:18

Hi all, you were all so helpful last week and I’m doing OK. Not brilliantly, not great, but OK.

I know I should delete/block him but I don’t want us to become enemies especially as we have a lot of mutual friends and we actually work at the same company.

I’m ignoring his texts but reading them from time to time. He’s promising he’s going to change, that he’s sorry and that he believes we’ve still got a chance.

He’s not apologising for anything he’s actually done wrong, nor saying how he’s going work to improve, just sweeping statements that he’s going to work on himself for us etc. He’s text me begging him to be his wife and for us to have a family together.

There’s no way from how we broke up that it could have been misunderstood as a ‘break’ or anything but over. I think he’s in complete denial so do I need to reinforce that it is over or just leave him on read?

OP posts:
ginandbearit · 22/12/2021 00:08

Have been through a couple of horrendous break ups..it does pass, and you can look back at the good bits without pain and then findd weeks and months have gone by without thinking of your ex at all .
One useful.phrase disd help when the memories became too vivid .. "You can miss something but not want it back "

GregTheEgg · 22/12/2021 00:13

This is the trouble with not having him blocked. I know it’s hard. I always think it’s better to be able to see when they’re trying to contact you than have him sending messages you’ll never see, but when he’s being persuasive and you’re struggling to be strong, it can be better not to know about it.

I’ve written out a list of all the things that mine did to piss me off over the last 9 years - it’s pretty extensive and that’s only the lowlights! Maybe try doing the same and see if it strengthens your resolve?!

Funnily enough I had a similar list of all the good things that I used to refer to when I was wobbling while we were together. It seems that whichever way it’s going, I need a reminder about why I make the decisions I do, because life is never black and white.

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