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Original poster

Single at 30 & feeling anxiety about meeting someone

9 replies

MargaretMorris · 13/12/2021 21:55

I recently turned 30 & am fond myself trying to resist all the toxic messages about how I won't have the chance to meet a decent man now.

I spent most of my 20s working & travelling in different countries. I don't regret a second of it as it made my who I am from the experiences/challenges I had and the people I met.

I've had a few relationships and lived with one partner. He cheated & left me heartbroken 3 years ago. I had one 6 month relationship after that, with a guy I'm still friends with.

Then just after lockdown I met a guy in his late 20s who I was with for a few months. He was gorgeous, the sex was great (and reminded me I was desirable!) but women hit on him while we were out. We had good times & conversations but he turned out to have a huge ego & a bit self obsessed so I ended it.

Meanwhile the man I like, a shy man who never asked me out although I thought he liked me, has started seeing someone. He has lots of the attributes I look for, and I feel sad about missing that chance.

I only have one other friend that is single - everyone else is partnered. The main issue is when I first come home after work & no one is there to greet me, or some lonely weekends. I had even got used to having Mr Short term around in the evenings and it's hard going back to an empty house.

I'm open to marriage and having children with someone I love. But I don't feel like I need it to happen. I do feel that I want a partner in life though and struggle with the fact it might not happen for me. Has anyone been through similar?

OP posts:

Summergarden · 13/12/2021 22:44

Hi,

Didn’t want to read and run.

I’ve not exactly been in your situation. But it’s completely natural to feel as you do and although dating can be a minefield because you can end up wasting time of men who either aren’t really looking for the same things as you (even though they’re not always upfront about that) or else meeting someone who you like and is looking for the same thing, but decides you’re not the one for them. It can certainly knock the self esteem when it doesn’t work out. Sorry to hear about your cheating ex- you live and learn and not all men are like that thankfully.

But it sounds as if having a life partner is important to you, so I’d set about OLD. I actually met my DH over 20 years ago that way and was extremely lucky that he happened to be the first one I met up with. Listen to your gut instincts when you first get in contact with men online, any red flags then don’t waste your time meeting up with them.

Best of luck.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 13/12/2021 23:01

Hi @Summergarden - thanks for your reply.

I actually met the last guy on OLD - Tinder to be exact. But something about the swiping psychologically started to affect me after a while - it all felt really shallow. I was glad to meet the guy that I spent a few months with, but he wasn't treating me very well by the end and I think dating others. I think there can be that sweet shop mentality with OLD?

So I deleted my profile and feel much better. But still quite lonely. Maybe I can take a break from it and try again. I'm just not sure Tinder is for me.

And now that I'm 30, I'm also thinking - which age group should I be dating in now? I get interest from men in 20s all the way up to 40, but I find most 20s men just aren't looking to settle down.

OP posts:

Roseandgeranium · 13/12/2021 23:08

I met my husband a month shy of turning 32. He is very much the best man I could possibly have married. The men I dated when I was younger were...uhh...not great. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you could have done better if you’d settled down younger. They’re usually the same people that would have told you five years ago that men in their mid twenties aren’t ready to be in a serious relationship! Do a bit of online dating if you feel like it — it certainly reminds you that there are a lot of single people still out there — but don’t force yourself to keep going if you hate it. And keep telling yourself: 30is not old!!!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 13/12/2021 23:59

Hi @Roseandgeranium , I'm glad to hear about your lovely relationship!

May I ask if he is a similar age to you? Not that it matters necessarily. I realise it is more about the person, but as I've said, I haven't had much like with men in their 20s so far.

The other thing bothering me is that just in the last couple of years my mum has started going on about me having children. I really feel that pressure, especially as an only child. I resent it as even 4 years ago she was just telling me 'enjoy your youth!', now it's where's the grandchildren...

OP posts:

Willthewashingeverend · 14/12/2021 00:06

I met my DP a couple of months before I turned 30. We now have 2 wonderful children and have made a lovely life together. Lots of my friends have met their DH/DP in their 30s and are now very settled with DC.

I think if you want a relationship, Tinder isn't the place to be. Maybe try Bumble or Guardian Soul Mates. I would be looking for an age range of 28-38 if I were you.

Confuciusornis · 14/12/2021 04:33

@MargaretMorris

Hi *@Roseandgeranium* , I'm glad to hear about your lovely relationship!

May I ask if he is a similar age to you? Not that it matters necessarily. I realise it is more about the person, but as I've said, I haven't had much like with men in their 20s so far.

He’s five years older. I had a similar experience with men in their twenties, to be honest, but on the other hand a lot of my anxiety about being single was caused by the fact that all my friends were settling down in their late twenties with men also in their late twenties, so clearly there were actually plenty of twenty-something men who were ready to commit. I just wasn’t meeting any of them! And I met plenty of older men who were completely uninterested in anything serious, so it’s no guarantee. My advice about avoiding commitment phobic men, for what it’s worth, is 1) to be honest and unashamed about what you’re looking for, and 2) to believe men when they tell you what they’re looking for. You don’t need to discuss children on the first date, obviously, but generally signalling that you’re interested in finding a lasting relationship is a good thing. If a man is put off by that, well, good. From your point of view he’s a wrong ‘un anyway. I really felt like I had to pretend I was all breezy breezy and somehow entrap a footloose male into long term love while pretending we were just having fun and in hindsight it was just a nuts approach to relationships. I completely understand the feeling of pressure and time running out. I felt very low about it at around 28/29 and I didn’t have a pandemic to contend with. I think the last 18 months have been pretty brutal for single women especially. Do you think covid/lockdowns might be partly behind your parents’ change in attitude? Either way, try not to let your mum’s anxiety fuel yours, as hard as that is. You sound completely lovely and perfectly capable of forming relationships. There is no reason at all that you shouldn’t meet someone who makes you feel safe and happy and loved in the next year or three, and there will still be plenty of time for babies then.

Roseandgeranium · 14/12/2021 04:38

Oops, name change fail there. This is what comes of posting during the 4.30 am baby feed!

violetanemone · 14/12/2021 05:10

@MargaretMorris

Hi *@Roseandgeranium* , I'm glad to hear about your lovely relationship!

May I ask if he is a similar age to you? Not that it matters necessarily. I realise it is more about the person, but as I've said, I haven't had much like with men in their 20s so far.

Had this from my family too. It's infuriating isn't it, when it switches so suddenly and you're like... hang on... that's a pretty bloody big life decision!

Anyway yeah, with the relationship, it might not seem it but you really are still young. It will happen if you want it to. I got together with my partner when I was your age, we are now planning children etc.

Just keep socialising, meet new people as often as possible, do new things. It will probably come when you least expect it.

This may not be a popular opinion but that guy you like, maybe you should talk to him. If he's only just started seeing someone he's not tied down yet. He's not in a committed relationship - it's not too late to tell him how you feel.

Original poster

MargaretMorris · 18/12/2021 16:54

Hi @Roseandgeranium and @violetanemone sorry for late reply. I've had a mad week at work.

Thanks for the uplifting comments and your thoughts on things. I was feeling nostalgic the other night and made the mistake of unblocking my ex who cheated on Facebook - he just got engaged! Can't have been with her long either. Strangely I didn't feel anything about seeing that.

The last guy I met in person I met through my old theatre group. I was really looking forward to getting back into that again but it's all being postponed again now because of covid. Like you say, it has become so hard to meet someone

I'm feeling glad I had a bit of romance this year, however short lived! In a way, online dating was easy for me because without blowing my trumpet I'm fairly good looking. But I'm actually looking for a person that is kind, smart and who I can laugh with etc. Maybe I need to try it again after a break.

I am starting to think this pandemic is going to cause a big issue for me and single women in a similar age bracket, preventing us from finding someone because of how life has changed.

One upside is that, aside from the pandemic, I am in a good place. I have bought a home, I left a bad job and found one I like, and know there are things about myself I could improve but I am overall happy with myself.

I think one thing that maybe puts some men off is I'm very self reliant. A couple of times i've seen men I've liked go for a very different type of woman, that needs him to do almost all the housework, cook the meals, even work instead of them. I don't 'need' a man but I would like to share my life with someone compatible.

OP posts:

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