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11 replies

Hairbrushhistory1 · 13/12/2021 08:29

This is very minor but I am fascinated by the outcomes. I have a good relationship with DH. We are pretty much 50:50 with household tasks and mental load. This hasn’t always been easy but we have got into some good patterns over the years. The one area that he is rubbish with is relationships with his family. I used to remind him to call, encourage him to set dates to meet up etc.... It annoyed me having to do this but I wanted him to have a good relationship with his family. I care for them but dont love spending time with them to be honest. They are very religious and can be quite intense. If we weren’t family we would never cross paths! However I felt I should nag DH for his own good!

Recently I have been busier due to work stuff. I am really looking forward to a quiet Christmas. Usually I would be encouraging DH to arrange things with his family (meet ups etc). I haven’t done it this year and no plans have made. It suits me because I get to chill at home.

Don’t really know what my point is here but I guess it’s a bit sad that DH doesn’t try with his family unless nagged? I don’t like nagging and now think it’s not my responsibility to manage his family relationships. I wonder if most people do things because they feel guilty or out of obligation?

OP posts:
EveningPrimeMinister · 13/12/2021 08:45

It's always us women that get lumped with this stuff and feel bad if we don't do it. I'd remind him once or twice then leave him to it. It doesn't sound like his family are particularly bothered if they wait for you to make arrangements as well?

sunshinelover69 · 13/12/2021 08:47

It's not up to you to remind him to see his family. Take a massive step back and leave him to it.

Hairbrushhistory1 · 13/12/2021 08:49

I just don’t say anything. He will vaguely say something about visiting and I will agree but I don’t move the conversation onto making actual plans. The result is nothing! It doesn’t really bother me I just find it fascinating. I don’t need someone to push me to make plans so it’s interesting he does!

I agree I don’t think his family are that bothered!

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Zarene · 13/12/2021 08:55

If no one is bothered about seeing each other.... just don't.

This isn't about you as a woman being forced to take on the mental load (for once), this is you inventing a task.

ProudThrilledHappy · 13/12/2021 09:04

I’m with @Zarene on this one. I (female) have a rubbish relationship with family whereas DP is part of a big, jolly family who are constantly in each other’s business. My family could quite easily not see each other all year.
Dp is always asking me if I’ve been in touch with them, when are we seeing them, what to get for Christmas… this is more of a family outlook issue than a gendered wifework one if your DP is the same.

He doesn’t need you to push him to make plans, he is choosing not to 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hairbrushhistory1 · 13/12/2021 09:17

I totally agree with you all. I am happy to say nothing, it doesn’t bother me. I am more interested in the outcome. It’s just really odd that some adults need pushing to do things that they should see as their responsibility. We could literally not see his family for years now and I have impacted that outcome. I don’t feel bad about it and don’t see it as my responsibility. It’s just interesting that something so big like your relationship with your family can be so easily changed!

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Kshhuxnxk · 13/12/2021 09:23

I don't have much contact with 2 siblings- no fallouts or arguments etc just don't have anything in common. I'd be there in a crisis for them but otherwise don't need contact. I'd be pissed if DP kept trying to instigate contact - we are all fine the way we are.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 13/12/2021 09:27

Ime it is because he knows them best.
And it's best to leave them be!! I encouraged /pushed dh with mil. Backfired big style. She dropped us - and newborn dc like a stone. Wish I had never let her meet my dc and into our lives..
He is on the sidelines fro a reason. Respect that. Imo.

Gimlisaxe · 13/12/2021 09:39

I stopped asking DP about seeing his family 9 years ago.

You want to guess the last time we saw them?

Hairbrushhistory1 · 13/12/2021 11:19

Wow @Gimlisaxe that’s a long time! I think DH will organise something eventually but it will be an interesting experiment to see how long it takes.

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Gimlisaxe · 13/12/2021 12:08

TBF, his parents are both dead, but his grandmother is still going strong and he did have a very strong relationship with an aunt, I am sad, that my son and tbf DP's eldest (my stepson) are never really going to know that side of their family, but I am not going to arrange it for him, I have my own family to deal with

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