My mother!

[Iamfour]

Just a bit of a rant. We had an early Christmas celebration last night because my niece and her bf, who live on the other side of the country, could only get time off this week to come for a visit. Over dessert my mother who is 82 looks up at my niece's bf and tells him he looks like a Nazi. He was a bit shocked and I think offended but handled it well. He said he didn't think he looked like a Nazi and went back to his chocolate cake. I told her you can't say that to people, but she just had to dig deeper and told him to look up Hitler youth. It was terrible. She has always been difficult, she regularly tells people they look like they have gained weight or their haircut looks terrible. I don't think there is much we can do about it, she's 82 and has never had much of a filter but it does seem be getting worse. SHE gets defensive if we say anything to her about her offensive comments.

If its anything like my memories of family get together at Christmas- that's as good as an official "welcome to the family" - who is she having Christmas Dinner with?

We have a joke in my family that everyone gets to a certain age and gets given a tablet that just removes all filters, sounds like your mum has had it!

@Timeforabiscuit she is the gift that just keeps giving. He's been around for almost three years, she's already told him he looks like he's gained weight (after he had knee surgery and couldn't do much for a couple of months). She claims to like him. She's the same with everyone though.

Maybe he needs to come up with some counter comments to pop out when she does this! "And don't you look lovely too, XXX". I always find saying something like "I'm a bit worried about you, XXX, you often say thoughtless things that upset me / others. Are you ok? Is there a reason you're behaving like this? Are you worried about something?". This always really throws the person saying it, because you say it with kindness, and it opens up a channel of thought in them that they might not otherwise have considered, and realise their actions have been rude. Give it a try!

@kokokokokokokokoko

Maybe he needs to come up with some counter comments to pop out when she does this! "And don't you look lovely too, XXX". I always find saying something like "I'm a bit worried about you, XXX, you often say thoughtless things that upset me / others. Are you ok? Is there a reason you're behaving like this? Are you worried about something?". This always really throws the person saying it, because you say it with kindness, and it opens up a channel of thought in them that they might not otherwise have considered, and realise their actions have been rude. Give it a try!

This just makes you look extremely passive aggressive & silly though. Almost child like.

@Iamfour I know people get lambasted for suggesting this on MN but having just lost someone to Alzheimers who's first symptom was this exact type of behaviour, I must ask if there's any other possible signs within her behaviour? Particularly as you said it is getting worse.

Age is no excuse for Eugene's. I would expect better from an elder. She is letting herself down.

Eugene???? Rudeness.

*whose 🙈 Crikey, that's not like me!

Sounds like my gran apart fro. The nazi comment she was the first to tell us if we gained weight I miss her so much .
I know its hard but I would just try and laugh it off nothing more you can do to change her at that age .

What would she say if he said to her I was just about to say the same to you?

‘I hope you’re not getting dementia, Mum - saying rude, tactless things is definitely a sign, you know.’

Though having said that, an old aunt of dh’s - no dementia- was terrible. E.g. at the top of her voice in a restaurant where we’d taken her for lunch, ‘WHY DOES THAT WAITRESS WEAR SUCH A SHORT SKIRT WITH LEGS LIKE THAT??’ 😱

In the end we stopped taking her out, but that was also because she’d moan endlessly about the food - too hot, too cold, too tough, too sloppy, they don’t know how to make pastry any more - you name it.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER I really don't think it's dementia, she's still pretty sharp, I think she's just rude and arrogant. We have the same issues at restaurants and I won't go with her anymore. There is always something said about someone in the restaurant and there is always something wrong with the food. I have never sent something back in a restaurant, it's unusual if she doesn't. It's embarrassing so I just don't do it anymore. I stopped shopping with her years ago for similar reasons and I won't get into a car alone with her anymore after she told my sister that she can ask or say anything in a car because we cant leave.

From the OP’s update, her mum just sounds rude, just like mine. No dementia, she just says what she wants and has always been rude.