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Original poster

Giving money to a friend

26 replies

FusionChefGeoff · 11/12/2021 23:05

Through a combo of inheritance and a VERY good year for my business, DH and I suddenly have a LOT of money.

My very very good friend is a single mum, diagnosed 4 yrs ago with MS and she's really struggling. She works but has had to drop to 2 days a week as that's all she can manage. She's having a bit of a relapse at the moment and is wiped out with fatigue.

I would love to give her a gift (in the thousands) I and I know it would be such a relief for her to have savings again and not be panicking every month that she's only got £50 left and still a week till pay day.

But I don't know how to raise it without it changing our friendship for ever / her feeling patronised. I also don't think thousands in cash as an anonymous donation through her door would be that helpful either as she would then just be worrying about where it came from / how to pay it in etc.?

I'm really stuck so would appreciate any thoughts on this situation??

OP posts:
BrightonOrLancaster · 11/12/2021 23:08

I would write a long heartfelt letter and stick a cheque in the envelope

Original poster
FusionChefGeoff · 12/12/2021 08:15

Yes that feels like a good way to do it so she won't feel ambushed by a face to face and has time to let it sink in / formulate a response.

I'd love to hear of anyones experience of this either as a giver or receiver and how it felt / how it played out and if there's anything else I should consider.

OP posts:
babouchette · 12/12/2021 08:20

I think it's a lovely gesture. If it were me I'd probably go for a coffee with her and talk it through. You could always say that you've had a windfall and wanted to use it to help someone.

A letter with a cheque may be easier for her to handle though if you think she'll find it uncomfortable in any way.

Original poster
FusionChefGeoff · 12/12/2021 08:25

I just feel a bit guilty that I'm in such a privileged position compared to her and worried that I don't want to come over all 'Lord of the Manor' bestowing gifts on the unfortunate.

We never talk

OP posts:
Original poster
FusionChefGeoff · 12/12/2021 08:26

Ha ha we talk loads - posted too soon!

I mean we never talk about money really and although our house is bigger and we have 2 incomes she would have no idea how much money we've got sat in investments right now so it will be a big shift

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 12/12/2021 08:26

I wouldn't give a cheque because that would need to be banked and would likely affect any benefits she receives. I'd speak to her first

Original poster
FusionChefGeoff · 12/12/2021 08:31

@dementedpixie this is the other angle isn't it I don't want to jeopardise any money she does get but if I speak to her then she has a chance to push back / refuse then I'm stuck.

Argh I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 12/12/2021 08:33

What about premium bonds that she can cash in as and when needed.

WisestIsShe · 12/12/2021 08:34

I'd just say what you say what you say here. "I've had a windfall and I want to share it with the people I love".

Kebabandchipsplease · 12/12/2021 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Motheroftigers · 12/12/2021 08:36

@WisestIsShe

I'd just say what you say what you say here. "I've had a windfall and I want to share it with the people I love".
This. No long winded letter.
maslinpan · 12/12/2021 08:37

If you got some vouchers for her for somewhere like Sainsbury's then she would have the option to use it for food or clothes from Tu, and small electrical goods. That wouldn't impact her benefits and she could spread it out when needed. But I think you might need to talk it through first, it would be a tricky conversation though. Your intentions are really good, but your friend may feel awkward about it.

Ducksurprise · 12/12/2021 08:41

Agree with the windfall, gifting unearned money doesn't seem like charity, plus it doesn't start a precedent.

RainbowDrops91 · 12/12/2021 08:45

Bless you, there are some lovely people in this world!

LadyEloise1 · 12/12/2021 08:48

That's so nice of you @FusionChefGeoff
Make sure it's under the tax threshold for her and doesn't affect any benefits she receives.
Spread it out over 2 years perhaps ?

EnrouteNOTonroute · 12/12/2021 08:55

I went on holiday with 2 friends a few years ago. One of them was struggling for money and said what she could afford. I knew she was on a low income, I had a high income. So without any fuss I said I’m paying for your hotel bills and flights. No need to pay me back. I can afford it promise. Just do someone else a favour one day (pay it forward).
I reiterated that I absolutely can afford it so she understood I wasn’t really sticking my neck out as it were - I think this made her more comfortable. A sort of no fuss approach.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/12/2021 08:56

We have given cash to old, close friends who were going through very hard times. Didn’t send a cheque in case it was swallowed up by an overdraft, just put cash in a Christmas card which we took in person, and I handed to her on the quiet, reasoning that her dh would find it that much more difficult.
I deflected the initial reluctance/awkwardness, by saying e.g, Please, no arguments - I know you’d do the same for us. (Which was true,). So that stopped it, thank goodness, since TBH the gift was sorely needed.

Woodswoman · 12/12/2021 09:23

If giving her a gift will affect her benefits, you could perhaps set up a monthly standing order instead, and tell her you’ll do it for an amount of time you feel comfortable with - say, two years, and you could always carry it on longer if her circumstances haven’t improved. It would be a lovely feeling to know that there was extra money coming into your account each month. She could then create a savings pot with it if she wanted to.

user1471538283 · 12/12/2021 09:40

I would take her for coffee and say you've come into some money and you would like to share it with her. Tell her that if she accepts you will never speak of it again.

HeronLanyon · 12/12/2021 09:46

I once did this with a friend. He has since said it is the single most lovely thing anyone has ever done for him.
Make it clear you would like to give it to her on basis that you do not expect it or any of it back.
She will no doubt say different. In your own mind let it go completely.
Hope it works out. Hope she is able to accept it - might not be.

FrancescaContini · 12/12/2021 09:47

@WisestIsShe

I'd just say what you say what you say here. "I've had a windfall and I want to share it with the people I love".
Lovely.
jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 12/12/2021 09:50

I would give a thousand in supermarket vouchers.
Pay a years worth of gas and electricity and then put cash in a card .
Taking the pressure off the cost of living would be a wonderful gift

Motheroftigers · 12/12/2021 09:56

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

I would give a thousand in supermarket vouchers. Pay a years worth of gas and electricity and then put cash in a card . Taking the pressure off the cost of living would be a wonderful gift
Oh dear good dont do this.

If you are giving some one money let them spend it on what they want.

Its incredibly controlling to do this

QuattroFormaggi · 12/12/2021 10:21

I would probably tell her I'd had a very generous and unexpected inheritance and wanted to use it to help women and had earmarked a couple of organisations (in my case, women's shelter and Home Start) and could she give me her bank details so I can put some £ her way too. Tell her it seems wrong to help anonymous women while there's someone you know also struggling so why not help both. It might make her feel better knowing that she is not the only recipient. (I do think you should actually give a bit to a good cause too Smile)

grapewine · 12/12/2021 10:26

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

I would give a thousand in supermarket vouchers. Pay a years worth of gas and electricity and then put cash in a card . Taking the pressure off the cost of living would be a wonderful gift
This would be a great idea, I think.

It's so lovely of you, OP.