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Original poster

Hoarding

19 replies

Herecomesthesun70 · 11/12/2021 16:02

Sorry posting for traffic as need help
My DF is a hoarder. He had a huge family so had nothing when he was a child but it's so bad now it's affecting everyone
Every room in the house is full of absolute crap.

He can't stop himself buying stuff. Stuff no one else wants or needs. He gets offended if I don't want any of the shit to take home.

My DM is at the end of her tether because he can't understand or see the problem. She's lost the will to do anything ensembles because you can't move for his stuff so it's filthy too. They also smoke there so they stink and the house is so bad I can't bear to the there longer than 5 minutes. It makes me anxious and stressed because my DM is so unhappy. DF doesn't lift a finger there not even to boil the kettle
My DM now has one arm in plaster so I thought it would be a good opportunity to go there but she bugged me not to because DF is fuming I've suggested doing anything. He says Im interfering and expects DM to clean cook and wait in him with with arm. I'm don't know what to do. She'll either kill him herself soon I'm
Sure if it. She mentioned leaving him earlier. Both in 70's and DF in very I'll health

OP posts:

Bubblecap · 11/12/2021 16:11

Hoarding is a mental health condition and he is in complete denial. I had a friend who was a bit if a hoarder, you had to step over stuff to get to anything in her house. She did know she had a problem but she still didn’t do anything about it. Unless he has a realisation it will remain the same.

If she left him could she stay with you for some respite for a few days. I suppose the worry then is he will die alone in the mess. But I feel so sorry for your Mum and assume she is depressed because of it.

Original poster

Herecomesthesun70 · 11/12/2021 22:32

@Bubblecap

I don't have anywhere for her to stay. We've got 2 kids here and no spare room My brother has space but my DF needs help. He's disabled physically so if she leaves he's screwed he won't admit though

OP posts:

MultiStorey · 11/12/2021 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chunkymenrock · 11/12/2021 22:37

Your mother needs to leave. It sounds absolutely dreadful. If he won't acknowledge the problem, that's it. His choices are affecting the sanity and happiness of another person. Its completely unfair. I feel so sorry for your mother. Would she leave?

alexdgr8 · 11/12/2021 22:43

could you contact her GP and/or social services and raise it as a safeguarding concern, esp as your mother is partially disabled at the moment.
she needs help and support urgently.
she does not have a safe environment.
and his behaviour is unreasonable. tell them she is being coerced into waiting on him and you fear she may be more seriously injured by a fall or burn etc.

earsup · 11/12/2021 22:48

How is he filling up the house if he is disabled...?...is it internet shopping...?....my mum hoarded for years...awful...am sure the stress gave dad the heart attack eventually....took 3 skips to clear the magazines and papers when she died....even told us money was hidden among them to stop us clearing !!...you could take stuff and just give away or bin it ?

Original poster

Herecomesthesun70 · 11/12/2021 23:06

He's able enough to get out and buy shit he's seen on market place or other such places
He relies on sticks but can drive
I've spoken to him before about why he does it and he agrees it's because of his childhood.
I was told today not to go there and try and sort stuff because he'd be raving
I don't know if she'd leave because she knows the burden would shift to me or my brother who also works FT
He won't even make a cup of tea for himself he's a lazy selfish grumpy old git

OP posts:

Original poster

Herecomesthesun70 · 11/12/2021 23:08

@earsup

About 2 years ago i went there when they were on hols and cleared out loads of shit just from the attic and cleaned and tidied Within 2 weeks it's back the same. It affects me because I go nuts at home if people make a mess I clean like a mad woman when I've been there for 10 minutes because it's made me so stressed. I cant abide clutter or stuff

OP posts:

IncessantNameChanger · 11/12/2021 23:17

Unless he realises he has a problem he cant change. Not many hoarders can see it's a problem unfortunately. Even then you need support or therapy to even start to tackle it.

It's a very misunderstood MH issue. However it is extremely damaging and selfish. Your df cant help being hoarder but be could help himself. He has no excuse for treating your mum so badly. Unfortunately the best thing to do sometimes is walk away but obviously you cant walk out on your poor mum

earsup · 11/12/2021 23:24

Oh dear....dont touch items as they do get very very angry about it all...i think part of hoarding is about control...my mum didnt have a deprived childhood etc but still did it...her mum and sisters never hoarded...
surely its dangerous if he needs sticks and there is clutter all over the house...?....i gave up with my mum...rooms filled with papers...it was her house...dad had half the lounge to himself as sofa etc was also piled up with junk and papers....maybe there are some online groups with help and tips...??....

Thegreencup · 11/12/2021 23:30

My DM is the same.

She has a long history of mental health problems that are totally undiagnosed. I'd say definitely OCD. I suspect she is autistic. Imagine Sheldon off Big Bang Theory but times a million.

There is no helping her or convincing her. My DF has made his bed and can lie in it as far as I'm concerned. Both my parents have said they will happily die in that house and leave us kids to clear up their crap. I've already warned them I'm taking a match to it all.

SantasGoodLittleGirl · 11/12/2021 23:33

Write to the GP and adult social services. Explain this is more than you can handle, your father is mentally ill and vulnerable, your mother is abused and needing refuge.

You're angry but it's pointless. He can't help it. Rescue her and make the professionals aware of him.

deste · 11/12/2021 23:48

I agree get SS involved. Hoarders who don't think there is an issue with the hoarding can be issued with a guardianship where SS take control by putting them into temporary accommodation till the house is cleared.

Gingernaut · 11/12/2021 23:53

Can your mum live with you while her arm mends?

TheBermudaTriangle · 12/12/2021 03:25

Hi OP, I've namechanged as I have similar personal experience and it may be outing.

My DF was the same, and unfortunately his mental health problems (which included hoarding, paranoia etc) were the cause of significant volatility and domestic violence in my childhood home.

If your DB can, please offer your DM space to get away and get better. Your DF is somewhat capable of doing things for himself (you mentioned he drives etc), so let him get on for a while or drop off meals etc.

Can I ask how he has the money to buy stuff? Is it his pension/from a shared bank account etc?

You must speak to Social Services to help both your parents get support. Make sure your DF knows it was you/your DB who has done this, rather than allowing him to shift blame to your DM.

I really feel for you because hoarding is such a secret shame, for everyone. I knew my DF didn't want to live they way he did - it was a compulsion, and absolutely linked to struggles in his earlier years and lack of control. I also know how suffocating and awful it was to step back into the family home, having to remind yourself of that existence and how your DP live.

Please try and take this opportunity with your DB to get your parents the help they need.

MultiStorey · 12/12/2021 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EishetChayil · 12/12/2021 09:03

My cousins pandered to a close relative's hoarding for far too long, as it's a mental health condition. No help was forthcoming from doctors, and it was getting worse and worse.

Eventually the hoard was taking too much of a toll on the family so they took the relative away for a weekend and hired a company to completely gut the house. The relative was upset for a couple of days but got over it. My cousins keep an eye on the house to make sure the relative isn't hoarding again.

Original poster

Herecomesthesun70 · 12/12/2021 10:57

@MultiStorey

About 2 years ago i went there when they were on hols and cleared out loads of shit just from the attic and cleaned and tidied Within 2 weeks it's back the same. It affects me because I go nuts at home if people make a mess I clean like a mad woman when I've been there for 10 minutes because it's made me so stressed. I cant abide clutter or stuff

Just be careful that you don’t create the same dynamic for your children. It is very hard living with a martinet, taking out their frustrations with one situation on the people they say they love. His hoarding is not their problem.

Thank you. I do try very hard to maintain a balance of not making the kids uncomfortable or unable to relax.
I was able to be a nightmare when I lived alone but with 4 people at home now I have relaxed a bit I identify when I'm being weird and do something about it

OP posts:

TVCasting101 · 09/03/2022 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

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