Uninvolved grandparents

[Newbie1996]

Please give me your honest advice, I really dont have anyone to talk to and I'm feeling low.
I just had my first baby who is also the first grandchild in the family. I thought that my parents would be excited but not so.
I didnt expect much of a gift when BabyGirl was born ...... I received a blanket from them and that was it. I never really thought much more of it as I was busy with the baby but when I was talking to a friend it brought up alot of negative feelings I didnt know I had.

I am aware that a gift does not represent the love or care she will receive, but I feel that my baby got and is getting neither from such an important person in my life

My friends mum spent about £2000 on her baby, (grandchild) prams, clothes ect. I never expected anything like that from mum but I am just heartbroken that it was just a blanket when I consider that when my friend had a baby my mum gave her a blanket, clothes and a teddy.

She is the only grandchild in our family, I had thought that more of an effort would be made, but it looks like every other baby (not flesh and blood) gets more from my mum, not just gift wise but interest too.

I would understand if the lack of gift was made up with interest in Baby Girl, but it's not. I don't drive so I have to get two buses that are not pram friendly to visit my mum so she can see her grandchild. My mum who has a car would never come and visit her.
I think I feel a bit heartbroken because I dont want by daughter to grow up and think she is any less important or loved than ther other children around her.

Please tell me your thoughts!!

Mn will tell you you’re unreasonable and that they have lives blah blah- I think it’s appalling and tbh remember it when your parents are older if they require care and help from you.
If you can be excited and happy and involved with your own family- unless a back story- id say you’re a pretty nasty individual

Can’t be excited that should read

Have you invited her to come and see you? And explained how it's difficult to get two buses?

Have you invited your mum? My parents are very involved with their GC, but they still have this weird thing where their preference is for us to go to them rather than them come to us. In your situation I can see she might not want to "intrude" or something, especially when baby is so new and you're still getting to grips with being a mum.

But I can see why this would be hard for you. It's not that you're annoyed that it was "just" a blanket, but it's the lack of interest and engagement that they seem to be showing that's compounding that.

What was your relationship with them like before your baby was born?

Are they happy you had her? Are they disapproving of your circumstances or something?

To be more generous to a friend than her own daughter is incredibly pointed and hurtful.

I’d stop visiting. Your baby won’t care.

Your mum has probably read all the mumnset posts where the posters insist they don't want anyone round for the first month!

Are your parents particularly old fashioned? Mine are so wouldn't dream of coming to my house without a formal invitation, meaning that they otherwise expect me to go to theirs. They are only mid 60s too, not in their 90s but it feels like it sometimes! My grandparents were like this, so I suppose my DM feels this is normal.

I'm so sorry, it must hurt so much to feel like your DM gives more to others children than her daughters.
Maybe try to frame it to yourself that at least they won't interfere and try to change how your doing things with your baby girl?
Also invite your DM to visit and stop with the buses. Invest your time and energy into people who give back.

My dm's idea of grandparenting was to expect to be informed of birth, sex, weight etc and a photo for her mantelpiece.
That was it. No gifts when born although she did knit a little cardigan and bootees for the first Xmas.
Some gp's have different standards.

I just wouldn't be bothered with them if that was me, if I had to get two buses I'd never visit.
But yes I understand your feelings when you have a new baby you want to show them to the world because you are so proud and excited and you want everyone to be excited for you as well.
This kind of lack of interest is absolutely gutting. I really feel for you.

Try not to overthink this. There is nothing as annoying as someone turning up every day, taking over, giving you nonstop advice so there are advantages to a hands off grandma. My dm was not into buying expensive presents for babies and her children ..us..had more disposable income than her. But she was a constant presence in their lives growing up and there were devastated when she died when they were in their 20s. There is a long road ahead and maybe grandma will come into her own as child grows.
And yes to inviting her over. Call her and ask for advice on little things. Send her baby pictures. Keep her involved
Only you know what kind of person she is but guaranteed your baby won't miss out having a hands off gm.

That is odd and hurtful. I’m not suggesting you do, but if you had it out with your mum, what would she say?

I would be upset too ....and hurt ...and sad ....and maybe feel a bit unloved myself .

We can't change people I guess ...or make them what we want or need....
Sending you a massive hug and congratulations 😊

Agree with @OnlyFoolsnMothers

I think it is pretty crap but you need to take it at face value. I'd reduce effort and contact with them and only bother if it suits you.

Sadly it's quite common and there isnt much you can do beyond manage how you react and behave.

Id leave the gift thing to one side. As she did get something at least and comparisons are unhelpful.

I think i would text or call and at the end of the call say, you know you are always welcome here mum and we'd love to see you? To make it very clear your door is open. And then id stop getting the bus.

If you feel generous and want to offer an olive branch offer to meet in town/the middle for a coffee. But brace yourself for rejection.

Its hard to comment further when you dont say what your relationship was like before baby. Id agree her not coming to you has faint hints of disapproval. But frankly she needs to get over it or she is going to miss out on her grandkid.

She may come round and be a better granny when kids are older but you will probably always be resentful. Focus on the family members and inlaws who are loving and warm.

Dont make rash decisions. Its a difficult time.

Stop the visits op. It isn't doing you or your dd any good. You don't need to be so stressed right now.. I am nc with my dm now. But mil also never bothered with ds when he was born. She had preached to dh his whole life she never wanted to be a dgm. And she isn't. Ds is 7. Last saw him at a couple of months old. Sadly you can't force dc on anyone. Even family.

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts, opinions, own experience and support.
I am sitting here reading all these comments with tears in my eyes.
Thank you for taking time out to offer advice, it means a lot! 💜

Sounds very like my mother. I don't speak to her now xx

Post pregnancy especially with first can be hard.
I am all over the place and yet to give birth!

Try and get out if you can and also try and surround yourself with more positive people. Be it inviting friends over or going to a breastfeeding cafe (my friend just had a baby and said her local one was a life saver - I had never heard of it so may be worth checking it out!!!)