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Original poster

Ex-husband issue-what should I do?

30 replies

NoEffingWay · 10/12/2021 18:35

Ex-h is notoriously unorganised. Ds's school are breaking up a day early, when DS is with him. They notified us via email and someone also posted it on the whatsapp group for the class. Ex-h receives both of these.
I get a series of panicked and angry messages today blaming me for him not knowing about this. My response is that I can't help out as I'm at work (true) and that he needs to sort it out, as he had the information available but did nothing to it.
Is this correct, or AIBU? He has called me all sorts of names and told me I am a horrible person, and that I should have reminded him again.

OP posts:
Skyll · 10/12/2021 18:36

Don’t respond to the name calling. It’s not your job to be his secretary. He will just have to sort it out.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 10/12/2021 18:37

Send him a list of your PA rates..
Unless he can't read Yanbu
.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 10/12/2021 18:40

I did tell him I'm not his secretary and that I am not to be expected to fill in calendar in for him, but he claims to have not seen the letters/emails.
He is such a tit sometimes!

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Rainbowqueeen · 10/12/2021 18:43

Send him a text saying “ as you are aware I have DS from x to y. Please forward me the list of everything I need to know about school and social arrangements for DS during that time and a list of the times and dates that you intend to remind me of all relevant information over that time”.

It might make him realise how ridiculous he is being

BingBongToTheMoon · 10/12/2021 18:45

“Oh well, hope you get it sorted”

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/12/2021 18:47

Calling him a tit is massively minimising his he’s being. His day, he sorts it. Even if he hadn’t had advanced notice and you know he did.

Grey rock him. No your problem.

But sorry he’s so horrible.

NeedsCharging · 10/12/2021 18:55

Remind him you are not his PA.
He is an adult and should be able to manage his own responsibilities without needing to ask his ex. Its not a good look.

Then ignore every childish argument and name call he throws at you...it will piss him off more Grin

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 10/12/2021 19:02

I hope his new girlfriend realises how much looking after he needs Grin

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mineofuselessinformation · 10/12/2021 19:14

If he carries on, ask him why it is your responsibility for things that happen when DC is with him - and then don't respond to what will predictably be an outraged answer.
Just leave it there and let it simmer....

PleasantBirthday · 10/12/2021 19:16

Surely the whole point of being divorced from him is that you're no longer responsible for this stuff anymore?!

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 10/12/2021 19:19

@PleasantBirthday you would think so, right? Apparently pointing this out to him was unacceptable and I should definitely talk to him about what he is doing on his days with DS. Hmm

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Blueberryflavour · 10/12/2021 19:28

Poor man how does he manage to run a house and go to a job without you doing aaall the thinking for him. Let me guess he’s a reasonably functional adult in other ways but still thinks he’s the optional parent because anything child related is down to you? Congratulations on your divorce.

PleasantBirthday · 10/12/2021 19:29

I'm sure that's only on his terms, though. I imagine if you sent a food plan and asked for evidence that it was being kept to, you'd be overstepping!!

WonderfulYou · 10/12/2021 19:29

If it’s his day he needs to sort it out.
Just like you’d have to if it was your day.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 10/12/2021 19:35

@Blueberryflavour not going to lie, it was part of the issues we had. I often felt like I had two children at times. DS would be without clothes, shoes, activities and the rest without me. Whilst we were married I had to clothe and provide shoes, money for haircuts and cars, whilst ex-h pleaded poverty but was really spending it all on musical and computing equipment.
The divorce has been a relief in many ways.

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Original poster
NoEffingWay · 10/12/2021 19:36

@PleasantBirthday sorry, that was unclear, I meant I paid for ds, ex-h and myself for everything.

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Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/12/2021 19:05

Update-ex-h claimed he didn't receive emails from the school but dropped himself in it by mentioning one he had received this evening.
Me-so you do receive the emails then?
Ex-h 'yes, but we aren't talking about that'
Me-I think we need to, because you definitely knew about the date change then
Him- yes, but I don't want to talk about it.

DICKHEAD OF THE YEAR AWARD 🥇

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Sideswiped · 16/12/2021 20:19

@NoEffingWay, the comfort you can take from that is that he knows that you know....
And he can't use it to play games any more. (Poor him!) Grin

RandomMess · 16/12/2021 20:23

🤣

Complete dick head, at least now he absolutely knows you won't carry his mental load anymore and won't bail him out.

Hopefully he will have learned now without having to deal with anymore own cock ups.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/12/2021 20:23

@Sideswiped it's fair to say I am feeling smug tonight Grin

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Terminallysleepdeprived · 16/12/2021 20:30

My ex is like this too. I did all life admin when we were together because despite trying to force him to do some it was do it or watch the kids miss out. We have been split for 3.5 years, for a year he used to deliberately miss things and blame me. I went completely cold turkey. Told him I wasn't his pa and he needed to start acting like an adult.

He is still not great but he is better and I no longer have to remind him. If he doesn't do stuff it simply doesn't happen. He rants occasionally and my pet response is "not my problem" it wonds him up because it is true Grin

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 16/12/2021 20:37

@Terminallysleepdeprived yes, when I reminded ex-h I was no longer his wife and it was no longer my problem, his nastier side came out to play. Apparently it should still be my problem, and the words 'not according to the decree absolute it's not' was uncalled for! Today, it was my fault he has had to take emergency annual leave tomorrow Hmm.

The irony being that it turns out I was free in the morning after all as not working til later on, but I am not playing silly games anymore. Plus he called me a 'twat'- and twats don't help others.

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AdaFuckingShelby · 16/12/2021 20:55

Bask in the warm glow of not being his fucking PA/wife/substitutemother any more. You're well shot of that one.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 17/12/2021 21:36

[quote NoEffingWay]@Terminallysleepdeprived yes, when I reminded ex-h I was no longer his wife and it was no longer my problem, his nastier side came out to play. Apparently it should still be my problem, and the words 'not according to the decree absolute it's not' was uncalled for! Today, it was my fault he has had to take emergency annual leave tomorrow Hmm.

The irony being that it turns out I was free in the morning after all as not working til later on, but I am not playing silly games anymore. Plus he called me a 'twat'- and twats don't help others. [/quote]
Narcissistic abusers really fucking hate it when we regain our mojo and stop taking their shit!!!

Stay strong lady you are doing exactly the right thing.

He is a grown ass man. Not your circus anymore.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 19/12/2021 06:49

Another instalment to this shitty tale is that I was alerted to the fact he was telling tales from our sex life all over twitter and he named me in them. We have mutual friends on there, is he really this stupid or malicious?

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