Teenage drama? Depression or melodrama?

[Pileonsally]

Firstly want to say that I understand mental health. I have clinical depression for 20+ years and had treatment etc.
I am not in anyway dismissing mental health issues.

I have a 18yr old DD. Every now and then (twice a month!)..she dissolves into hysterics saying she wants to die.
When we get to the bottom of it, its always connected to a row with her friends or a boy not liking her or feeling like she doesn't like her friends.

I am an emotional, pretty soft, anxious person. I am a people pleaser and hate conflict so I do totally get how important friendships and relationships are to her.

Its the jump to her saying she wants to die. It knocks me sick hearing it.
She says it, has a massive cry then next day is a lot better but I'm left in a worried frantic heap that she going to hurt herself.

Shes on medication. She got a counsellor.

I want to scream at her that heartbreak and rows with friends are horrible and sad BUT not to the extent to make you suicidal!?
It seems so utterly dramatic.

I do feel as tho all the talk in society about mental health is wonderful but I feel its making young people all diagnose themselves with mental health issues which we would have previously said were 'a bad day'.

Also v worried about me trying to explain to get it into perspective and her then hurting herself.

For what it's worth, she has a huge crowd of friends, loving family, no money issues, no trauma. We are very close. She says it just builds up..spills out and then she's OK again.
I think its the saying she wants to die that is tearing me up.

Anyone had any experience of this? is it teenage life? Her friends all seem equally intense and dramatic (but they are all lovely kids)

Is it linked to her cycle? Can she use a tracking app to understand how hormones can impact on her thoughts/depression?

Does she have any adhd or autism traits? Girls can mask how they are feeling but sometimes it just bursts out.

No she has no adhd traits or autism. She is very open, chatty, makes friends very easily, loving, tactile, can take or leave rules and routines.
I told her to track the dates of meltdowns. She hasn't. Im going to start doing it.

Cycle can have such an impact. Low oestrogen can make the brain feel depressed and panicky. Teens then attribute this to ‘I’m terrible, people hate me etc’ when it’s a physical thing going on. Period Power is a very good book. I’ve known teens get a lot calmer when on the pill as the highs and lows of the cycle get evened out.

Shes on the pill too sigh

Maybe check that it’s the right one for her?

It might just be life too of course but just like peri meno depression is often hormones, so is teen hormones

I assumed that all teenagers regularly have meltdowns and are intermittently “suicidal”.
DS was very down over the last lockdown so I contacted GP for advice. He gave me a linked to an online helpline where they can talk using text rather than via phone or face to face. I can’t remember the link but I’m sure a bit of Googling will find it ( something like young minds)
I also have text conversations with him when I see signs he is low. I think they are so used to communicating that way they find it easier.
A good tip is when they declare themselves suicidal ask them when they plan to do it and how, if they give you a detailed answer that is the time to seek help rapidly.

Interesting that you say she's on the pill - I would encourage you to ask her GP or a nurse for a chat.

I had a few deeply unpleasant run-ins with hormonal contraception as a younger woman (I once found myself in such a rage that I punched a hole in a wall) - I think it might be an interesting starting point.

Sorry, 'encourage you to ask HER to ask her GP or a nurse for a chat'.

(I'm not saying you should get involved with your daughter's choices at that level!)

Have you spoken to her about how it makes you feel to hear her say that? I would just be there to listen and keep reiterating the message that she is very much loved and that feeling so low will pass as it has before. Being a teenager is so intense...I remember it well!

Im worried about telling her how upset it makes me when she says she is suicidal in case she stops telling me??

Could she have unconsciously copied your behaviour as you say you’re a very emotional and anxious person? Or she might be hormonal if it’s only a couple of times a month rather than every day. Maybe get her off hormonal contraception. I was unbearable when I was on the pill - anxious and crying. I was even suicidal at one point. My mood improved within a week of stopping!! Does she eat well? Poor nutrition can cause mood swings too.

Thsts interesting about the pill. I thought people used pill to calm hormones down?

I understand what you're saying saying but maybe just have a frank conversation with her when she is in a better frame of mind. You don't have to tell her how awful it makes you feel, just be honest about how worried you are when she says that. Also be honest about the fact that you don't want her to stop telling you how she feels. She may not be aware of the distress it causes you. Handle the conversation with care and be super observant to how she reacts especially if she gets at all defensive. Lots of reassurance.

Re the pill...I was also awful on the pill. I've tried a few and some made my anxiety horrendous. Different for different people but could you trace back to when these episodes started and see if it could be linked?

I assumed that all teenagers regularly have meltdowns and are intermittently “suicidal”

This is so alien to me. My kids aren’t quite at teen stage yet so I’m likely talking out my arse, but none of my circle at that age were depressed or suicidal. We would never have used the “I’m gonna kill myself” as casually as young people do today.

That’s not to negate what’s going on, but I really think that a frank conversation when @Pileonsally‘s daughter is not having an emotional meltdown, about how there’s nothing wrong with being emotional but that maybe she needs to take a moment, and really think about why she’s so upset. Part of growing up is learning how to work through emotions in a healthy way.

^^and everything that @Cuddlemuffin says up there, my post comes off very unsympathetic which I really didn’t mean!

OP I volunteer for the Samaritans and one of the things we were told in training is that people often Don't talk to their loved ones about feelings like that as the loved ones do the 'it makes me feel so sad' or 'oh you have everything to live for' etc and they just want someone to listen. I've lost people to suicide too and honestly, try your level best to just listen to her. Acknowledge what she says '(that sounds tough' sort of thing) and just listen. Maybe also ask her what she would like from you, if she says advice then give it but if she doesn't, just listen. And please tell her she can call us at anytime to talk to someone impartial, 116 123

@Pileonsally

Thsts interesting about the pill. I thought people used pill to calm hormones down?

Hahahaha no. Some women are fine on hormonal contraception, but many many women end up an emotional wreck (or even suicidal).