How do bullies have friends/loved ones?

[Highlanders372]

I worked with a woman for 20 years, in a very small team. Bully probably isn't the right word for her as she could be very nice to me at times but I was genuinely scared of her. She could be very intimidating and aggressive. She was a racist (said some truly vile stuff over the years), incredibly vain, jealous and nasty about anyone prettier than her. She kept me in my place for many many years. She's thankfully now left, it was only when she went that I realised just how much she affected me. Going into work each day with a horrible pit in my stomach.

I don't know why I've done it but I've just had a nose at her Facebook profile. I always knew she had a lot of friends but seeing the photos has twisted me up inside. Lots of photos of her with her 3 adult daughters, grandchildren, friends. Surrounded with love.

How can someone so nasty be so loved? I dont understand it. I'm a quiet person, I try and be kind to others, I think of people, I treat people with respect and offer support whenever I can. I have such a tiny circle of family/friends. It doesn't add up to me and it hurts. It makes me feel bitter that someone like her can treat people so badly and have no consequences. It doesn't seem fair.

Most people who do nasty things don’t do those nasty things to everyone; just as abusers aren’t abusive 100% of the time, and don’t abuse everyone in their life. Many people are completely different at home to how they behave at work, and vice versa.

I’d stop trying to look for any rhyme or reason in it and just be glad she’s gone and out of your life.

Hi op, I would try not to think about her, she's out of your life now. I would suggest a course in cbt therapy, it helps to stop negative thoughts which helped me at a stressful time in my life.

Yes I've also wondered the same, it might be because they pick on the quiet people who don't stand up to them but are nice to other people?? I've been in a similar experience with nasty people at work, but you've only seen a photo so you never know what the other people think of them.

Just as long as you know that you're a nice person that's all that matters. Oh and if it happens again i would suggest to say something to the person in private, it might help x

Thankyou both. She definitely saw me as an easy target, I was very young when I started working with her, although I did find my voice in the end, took me 20 years but I finally stood up to her, it was an awful experience but it gave me a degree of closure (for want of a better word). I won't look at her profile again, I don't know why i did, it brought everything back up last night. She was so awful, she's be lovely to me for a few weeks and then completely switch, I never knew which version of her I'd be getting. I stuck it out because I absolutely love my job (it's it's very niche role). I just wanted her to hurt, to be left sad and lonely and to feel some of what she inflicted on me but she's out of my life which is the most important thing.

Facebook is a momentary snapshot.
My brother’s cover pic is one of him, I and our siblings. All our partners and all our kids.

Couple of days after that pic he beat the crap out of his wife. She has, sadly forgiven him, but it destroyed our relationship and culminated in smashing my front door and getting arrested. His eldest son has lived with me since and hasn’t spoken to him. None of us siblings talk to each other any more.

He also has lots of “friends” who are actually just acquaintances who know that life is much less trouble when they just humour him. If you actually speak to people the guys he has a pint with think he’s a knob, the folks he work with go on nights out he organised because it’s expected etc etc.

It can take a lot to stand up to family. And that’s only after you’ve realised that your normal isn’t actually normal.

Well because bullies don't necessarily bully everyone, or they reduce their bullying to a level by which they can maintain family relationships. Mind you, Facebook can be very deceiving.

Anyway comparison is the thief of joy, block this women and get on with your life. Well done for finding your voice.

Some people can put on different faces to different people. My mum was a bully behind closed doors, but sweetness and light to the outside. I can well imagine her having been a bully at school or work though. After I moved out I only saw the sweet side as obviously if she was how she used to be I wouldn't see her so the dynamic changed. I haven't forgotten though

Covert Narcissists in particular only show their real side to a select few, and mask their behaviour in a way that shows a false version

In my experience, they mix with similar people or they have a hierarchy in their head, who’s above who, who they’re nice to, who they treat like shit, who they make an effort with and who they don’t. And the photos don’t tell the real story. All very fake, being nasty behind each other’s backs.

Sorry she had such an impact on you for so long. I’m glad she’s out of your life.

People don’t love her.

They’re scared of her.

You only have to read posts on here about people being abused by their relatives and should they go no contact to realise that many people lack the confidence to stand up to bullying and nasty relatives. People will put up with all kinds of crap because it's from a parent or whatever. Bullies are often very good at holding court as well because they have a way of manipulating people and controlling the narrative.

Social media is a massive lie though isn't it? I know the 'back story' to loads of my friends on FB. Photo of her and her husband in the hot tub? I know they ordered it just before lockdown, they couldn't afford it and the company refused to accept it back.
Living the dream in France? I know they thought they would get £400k for their house here when in fact they only got £240k but pushed on with the France project anyway to avoid losing face. To keep the roof over their heads the DH has to return to Britain to do building jobs.

I can state the truth about most situations that are presented on FB as something out of Country Living. They are poles apart. It's all smoke and mirrors OP.

I worked with a nasty bully like you describe. Seven years. Her husband took early retirement and they moved to the northern county they are both from......except that within a month he was back working at his job local to me and 300 miles from their 'idyllic new life'. I know he stays on campus and goes 'home' once every eight weeks only. I believe he did this just to get away from her as she is one nasty bastard and this way he gets to keep all the assets of the marriage but the lifestyle he likes away from her.

Smoke and mirrors OP. Smoke and mirrors.

Sometimes being too nice is not a good thing as people walk all over you. I have been guilty of that. I have a colleague who demands ..very strongly..things and behaviour from her dh that l think sounds very harsh but he is happy to wait on her every need and is very supportive and generous to her. Also have an acquaintance who flatly refused to do any cooking or cleaning and has announced that to her dh who happily does it all and clearly adores her. Looking at those situations l realised l am too nice for my own good and loud demanding people who are happy to state thir needs loud and clear get on better.

Ah op, change your thoughts on how you view this. Congratulate yourself on standing up to her, being free if her and your own lovely friends and family you love, who you know love you. I'd much rather have a small group of loved ones who were genuine than loads of Facebook friends/acquaintances who didn't really give a shit!

You know Facebook is a shite snapshot of how someone wants to come across rather than the truth as pp have pointed out.

If you were scared of her, chances are others are too. What's scary is how many people are like this and people don't call them out/standup to their behaviour.

You did that op, that's something to very proud of!! Don't waste another thought on her

Thankyou everyone for your kind replies. I definitely ended up with the upper hand, as the years progressed I became more confident in my role and needed her less and the reverse happened to her. The more she needed me the better she treated me but I could never forget the early years. Her mask slipped in her 2nd to last year and she reverted to her old ways, instead of backing down I stood up to her and gave her a piece of my mind, I had HR as back up (useless really but put the wind up her) and then she scuttled off on sick leave and took early retirement. Not one person in the whole organisation wished her well when she left, not even a card. Seeing the FB stuff last night though just brought it all back. I'm sure her personal relationships must be pretty dysfunctional though and as you've all said, SM isn't real.

I also think that many comments on Facebook are from random aunties / third cousins once removed who don’t know the person that that well.

Also IMO people who are bullies often have very bitchy groups of friends that might dish out Facebook likes but actually slag each other off all the time

Not representative of real life

I worked with someone who acted similarly. In the end I left the job because it was making me so miserable - it wasn’t something that I’d experienced before despite working in a few different places, and there wasn’t much that I could do because she was good friends with our boss and it was a small company.

She ultimately did me a favour because the job was very local to me and so convenient with young children but related to rather than what I’m actually qualified for and it pushed me to travel further for another job doing what I’m qualified for, earning more/progressing my career. However, despite that, the experience has stayed with me years later - almost an incredulity that someone could act in that way - and made me pretty miserable for a couple of years of my life when my children were small, which makes me a bit sad.

Don't take Facebook at face value. You don't know what these family members and friends actually think about her or what they say behind her back !