Give me a shake, feeling self pity about small family at Christmas

[5thnonblonde]

I don’t feel like this all year but recently I’ve found myself feeling my immediate family is very small, and worrying about what will happen as our kids grow up at Christmas particularly.

I grew up with 4 siblings and remember christmases with grandparents and siblings everywhere (Poss v rose tinted!)

We’re a blended family, DH and I both had one child before we met and now have a baby together. This was meant to be the first xmas we all spent with all 3 kids together but DH’s ex changed the plan in November and we were advised nothing we could do in time for xmas (I imagine this might have prompted some of this) I’m sad I don’t get every xmas with my older DC. Both mine and DH’s parents are dead. My DBs don’t travel or host at Christmas and my lovely DSis is a nurse so rarely about.

I guess writing it down I see I’ve got loads of people but i guess all the ads and whatever are making it feel small Tell me I’m not alone!

I’ve got friends struggling with infertility and one of my DBs has lost a child.. I know I’m not particularly unfortunate but I guess that’s why I’m so puzzled. Oh and DH is lovely, all the kids, step kids, all great. It’s like the bloody Waltons when we’re all together it just feels quite scarce and unreliable.

It's ok to feel wobbly. We've all had nearly two years of things being wierd, and today things are uncertain again.

To me you have a big family - my parents are both only children, so no aunts or cousins, and neither my sister nor I have children. Christmas will be just me and oh. But if your family
feels small to you then it does. I think you should just acknowledge the feeling, allow it. Enjoy what you have though. I hope you feel brighter soon.

Be kind to yourself 💜 and don’t tell yourself that you “shouldn’t feel like this”.

Some things are just thrown into sharp relief at times and it feels painful in a way that can seem disproportionate (I’m feeling a bit like this due to planning my wedding even though I am so lucky I’m so many ways).

Acknowledge what you’re feeling, to yourself, and if you’re having difficulty moving on from these feelings, then maybe consider talking it through with a friend or even a counsellor.

Thankyou @tinselvestsparklepants (although I’m picturing you writing that message in a tinsel vest!) You’re very kind. I think I’m missing my mum- it’s sad she can’t meet my youngest, and maybe gone into a bit of a misery hole. I’m sure your Christmas will be lovely- it’s reminded me that some of my loveliest ones were just me and a boyfriend (once in Amsterdam!) which does show me this isn’t really about the ‘amount’ of people but maybe more how stable/secure it feels.

@BackAway congratulations on your wedding! I think similar to a wedding it’s feeling like my family doesn’t fit this cookie cutter template, which of course I’m sure not many do. Think I’ll let myself have a little wallow and plan a run tomorrow morning to clear my head a bit

I agree those bloody Christmas adverts make you feel like crap! Huge happy families in beautifully decorated houses! Oh and the cooking shows make you feel like crap too...oh, here's how you prep a turkey that will feed 25 people and here are some canapes you can whip up when your hordes of friends drop by for an impromptu get together!

@Comedycook DH has supportively observed ‘half those people probably hate eachother’ at one of those ads 😂 which is probably true! I do remember my mum hiding in the kitchen to avoid having to talk to an uncle once and thinking it was a fun secret between us but I suppose he was driving her mad!

Op I know what you mean.
My ideal Xmas wouid be with lots of lovely people but sadly I've never had that. It's always been quite small.

Oh I really expected to get my arse handed to me- thank you you’ve all been so kind.

I've also lost my dp and my mum would have made Xmas wonderful even without a single present!

It's just me and dd each year and we enjoy that so much. I also feel that when I tell people when they ask what my plans are, they're secretly so jealous. In fact many aren't secret about how envious they are ! Low stress, eat whatever we want . Bliss

Yep I hate feeling inadequate because Xmas is when I see the people I see and eat with every other bloody day of the year- no large extended family, no grandparents to dote on my children, no dining room to host in (just the table in the lounge). Roll on Spring!

I used to feel like you, but then I realised it was fine really, the images aren't always reality. Adverts are annoying though!

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas yep- my mum had dementia and even her back in her final year a bit confused would be such a treat! She used to be a cake decorater and taught me a little (I’m nowhere near a pro!) DC talk proudly about how my mummy used to make cakes whenever we go past a wedding cake shop so I feel like she’s living on a bit

I lost my dh in July and it’s me and my girls first Xmas without him.

I absolutely hate all the hype surrounding Christmas at the best of times but this year it’s unbearable.

So many people are alone, grieving, dealing with domestic abuse situations, have money worries and the jolly holidays, the happy families and the wonderful joyous Christmas really does not exist for us/them and I wish the media and shops and society would stop all this nonsense and just see Christmas for how it is and do everything much more low key.

I’ve had to endure non stop Christmas songs on radio 2 on the works overhead radio and I just want to cry and cry

@tootyfruitypickle Thankyou- your Christmas does sound lovely! It’s also reassuring you got past this, maybe I’m just in a bit of a funk

There's only me and my husband and our two kids. That's it.

Kids don't even like Christmas dinner so we don't make the whole thing.

Only got my mum/dad and my brother but they're 3 hours away so we don't see them at Christmas. No other relatives at all.

I do sometimes wish we had lots of family. I'm hoping my two kids have plenty of kids between them!

@ghostmouse that sounds incredibly tough, I’m sorry for your loss. I hope once you’ve done the first one it might get easier, or at least be more of a known quantity.

You’re right though- there will be so many people in the midst of trauma seeing this picture perfect crap, must be really rubbing salt into those wounds.

@CoastalWave yeah we’re veggie so it’s basically the only roast dinner we have all year!

Thats a beautiful conduit to remember her by op ❤️.

We have a family tradition of raising a glass at 9pm on Christmas night to 'absent friends'. I'll be thinking if you all, too!

I came from a large family and our house was full of people at Christmas. It was a completely toxic atmosphere, but to people on the outside it looked like The Walton's. I am now no contact and unfortunately my husband is from a small family who are also toxic. I felt sorry for myself for a long time every Christmas looking at all those stupid adverts. I kept wishing for all of what I didn't have instead of realising how lucky I was with what I did have. I have a husband that would do anything for me and a wonderful daughter. We are a happy small family instead of a large toxic family. I wouldn't change my small Christmas now for all the money in the World. I do get it that you feel down and Christmas can be a difficult time. I think a lot of people feel like this around Christmas. Definitely talk to friends and certainly there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling.

I totally get this and agree it's about how secure you feel generally.

This Christmas it's me and ds at home, I don't know yet whether we should visit DM in her nursing home or try and bring her home to mine for the day. She's only just got there this week, and is extremely confused - I know she would like to be with us but I'm terrified of trying to get her back there in the evening!

Im quite looking forward to some of the things about a small household - Christmas isn't very expensive for us, which does reduce the stress. But I totally see why you feel that way

Thanks @Theblacksheepandme my F was a pretty awful alcoholic so I’m pretty sure I’m blotting our elements of childhood Christmases.

@PermanentTemporary that’s a tough call! You can always do a festive day with her later maybe? My mum was in a home and it did take time to settle. DH has been seeking legal advice about seeing his DC which I think has sort of triggered memories of my own legal wrangling post split with ExH. We all get along fine now but I think it’s just made me insecure about how much I see our kids.

I know I’m late to this but just wanted to say I hope you had a lovely Xmas. I have a small family, my Mum passed away 19 years ago, my Dad has dementia. My brother lives 3 hours away, very rarely see him. Me and DH have one DS, and DH has small family too. I envy people with large families, parents, grandparents, siblings etc., and it saddens me every year, not just at Xmas. We can only make the most of what we do have I guess. X