My head is a mess, just have to let this out. I've been noticing for a while now on here, in the news, in real life, people everywhere saying they've been diagnosed for ADHD or Autism. I thought it was a bit of a 'trend'. I read and hear the symptoms people have, and I get annoyed because most of them describe me to a T, yet I've NEVER had any excuse, always thought it was me being 'broken' and that I didn't learn the right skills and I'm incredibly lazy, stupid and forgetful.
But it has hit me. All the struggles I've had in life...they fit these labels and descriptions that I see on mumsnet all the time. I think they are completely me. I have been struggling and masking my whole life. But if you knew me, you wouldn't think so...
I look and act (I think/hope) like a functioning adult.
I have learnt to converse with people.
I got straight As/A*s at school and first class at uni so everyone thinks I'm clever and organised.
I have got my own house and a professional job.
I'm quiet, sensible and well-behaved.
No one has ever suggested to me that I might have a disorder beyond anxiety and depression.
The thought of even suggesting I might have these disorders(?) to people makes me cringe, because they'd think I'm having a laugh, and also want to cry, because I've been SO focused on masking everything my whole life. I'm so EXHAUSTED with the masking and trying to survive, trying to be normal, trying to get good grades and a good job despite of it all.
So just some my symptoms, ADHD first [or ADD?]
-shocking memory, especially short term. I really struggle to remember conversations or instructions. Things have to be written down for me. I got good grades by learning all my answers using muscle memory. The only way for me to learn things is to write them out. I can't retain things in my head.
-little concentration. My mind just wanders. I lose my mind halfway through doing or saying things - I'll begin a sentence then completely forget what I was saying. Same with tasks. And thoughts. I just cannot follow my thoughts.. This happens several times a day.
-no attention span - constantly daydreaming and zoning out, very often in the middle of conversations with people or important meetings. Same when reading books, I'll think I've read a page then realise I wasn't paying attention to any of it. And tbh even if I was paying attention, I wouldn't remember any of what I read due to my awful memory.
-awful procrastination, always leave things to the last minute and never get stuff done. Always considered myself the laziest person ever.
-brain fog - I just can't think, it's like trying to grab ropes of information in my brain but they are swinging out of reach.
-very easily distracted by noises or movement. If I am interrupted mid sentence, I lose it. If I'm talking to someone and then someone else talks, I have to stop abruptly because my brain can't cope with both.
-jump between tasks - I'll start one then move onto the next before it's finished. Hardly ever finish things.
-so many thoughts in my head, I'm jumping between them, forgetting others, remembering others, they're all whizzing around all the time.
-poor listening skills - even when I feel like I'm listening, I often couldn't tell you many details of what you said.
-lateness. Now I'm never late for anything that I MUST NOT be late for. But when nothing terrible will happen, I am always late. I get up the same time every day for work, yet I arrive later and later each time. I do the same tasks every morning. It's like, because nothing bad is happening when I'm a bit late, my body makes no effort to hurry up.
-always losing things. I'll know that I saw it recently, but just cannot find the thread in my brain to tell me where.
-extremely impatient. People tell me this all the time. I become twitchy and very frustrated when having to wait even small amounts of time, especially if it's something I'm interested in. Feels like my brain is melting in on itself with frustration.
-can't cope doing multiple things at once. To the point where, if I cook dinner and my boyfriend starts trying to hug me, I snap at him to get off because my mind can't cope with doing the dinner and touching at the same time. This applies to so many things.
I could go on and on. Trying to keep this short now. My reasons for suspecting Autism are...
-lifelong struggle to make friends [I always saw friends as people I just walked around with at school]
-never could do eye contact, couldn't even look at my mother's eyes for longer than 2 seconds. I had to train myself to do it, and now I can, but it is a huge effort and have to look away a lot to compose myself again.
-never known how to converse with people or express myself. What on earth do people say to each other. I spent school as a mute, only answering in one-word replies to people. After I left school, I spent a lot of time listening to people talk, in real life and on tv, to pick up 'set phrases' and expressions/mannerisms that people have.
-hate social situations unless they are with my immediate family or boyfriend. I become so stressed by the thought of conversing with people. I panic during conversations when I've run out of my set phrases. And if someone says something to which I don't have a phrase - argh.
-I hyperfocus and obsess - I have always had such obsessive thoughts. They will go around and around in my head. Then I have obsessions with things, and it's all I can think about and talk about for weeks on end, sometimes months or years. It takes a lot of effort to control this in front of people.
-I'm VERY literal - always believe things people say. I'm always the last to get a joke, and often don't get sarcasm. People will say something stupid and I'll believe them straightaway.
-sensory issues. I had HUGE sensory issues with food especially as a child, but also with textures and smells etc. There were hardly any foods I'd eat and I couldn't cope with certain clothes, textures on my body, the weight of them, the feel. Things would just feel WEIRD.
-also sensory issues with touch - despite a very loving family, I haven't touch them since I was about 8, never let them hug me or anything. I hate being hugged or touched by strangers. In fact, I had to teach myself how to let people hug me, as I used to just stand there with my arms by my sides.
-can't process information quickly at all. I'm very slow.
Again, I could go on and on.
OK I just had to let that all out. I've been masking my whole life and I am so exhausted. I imagine I seem entirely functional to people, if just a bit awkward and shy. But I had to teach myself how to mask these things and how to get by. I realise that now. And these are just SOME of the things I've been dealing with.