Has anyone else never been part of a group of friends?

Highlanders372 · 2021-12-06T11:45:25+00:00

I would dearly love to have a group of girlfriends. I see it all the time, in the press and social media. A group of 5 or 6 female friends enjoying nights out, walks, meals, weekends away. I experienced it very briefly when DS started school and the mums would meet up at soft play or for a meal without the kids. It gave me such a kick to walk into a venue and for a group of women to be sat around a table waiting and wave me over and then to be part of all the chit chat. It didn't last long though, they all drifted away as the kids got older. I've made 2 friends out of it but individually. I also have 3 school/college friends but again, I see them individually. I'm actually terrible at 1 to 1 conversation. I find it too intense and struggle thinking about what to say next to the point that I don't really enjoy it. I dont get that anxiety in a big group though. I'm mid 40's now so I'm resigned to the fact it's never going to happen for me.

IncompleteSenten · 06/12/2021 11:59

No.
I don't cope well in groups. I don't like it.
Do you have groups you could join? Book club? Craft group? Even things like evening classes?

Original poster

Highlanders372 · 06/12/2021 12:09

I live in a small town so there's not many groups like that locally for my age. I think once I retire there might be more opportunities if I really work hard at it. I've lived here for 20 years and people seem to have very tight social circles that they don't let others join. When I made friends with the mums from school they all already had their groups established so I don't think any of them were bothered about maintaining this particular circle.

OP posts:

MedusasBadHairDay · 06/12/2021 12:13

I had something like that at school, but not since. Kind of resigned to it now.

JustLikea · 06/12/2021 12:17

Just make it happen

I've always been part of groups of friends, still am, and have been part of many groups throughout my life due to work, travel etc

I think there are always people in the group who love to be the main organisers. Then the rest, like me, organise a couple of things in between to keep the flow going.

Tessellation · 06/12/2021 12:19

I used to go to an exercise class every Saturday morning. Always the same people there. We went for years - we all got to know eachother and it was very much a part of my weekend routine. I'm also part of a gardening group - we are lots of different ages, very much a part of eachother's lives but what binds us are common interests. Sometimes we'll stop and chat and drink tea, once in a while someone will organise a group outing. We're all different ages, it's a very supportive, easygoing group.

These are groups that I enjoy being part of.

I understand what you're longing for but I think the picture perfect image of a group of girlfriends who support eachother and go through the ups and downs of life together is flawed. Behind the FB photos of the girls in matching pyjamas on their weekends away and the "Find your tribe, love them hard" slogans, you'll often see that one person has been ostracised, or is invited along slightly less often than the rest. You'll find simmering tensions between at least two members. You'll find that the DC of at least two of them actually hate eachother and resent being pushed together to get on. In groups like this it doesn't take much for the dynamic to change completely - sometimes just the passage of time.

I mean, I'm sure there are some lovely, supportive girl groups out there, but I've yet to hear of one that is universally and consistently so...

dumdedumpop · 06/12/2021 12:21

I feel the same as you OP with 1:1. Even with some friends I've known for years, I'm awful at chat. I'm better in groups of three or four where the pressure is off.
Actively pursuing a hobby of some kind will be your best bet. I'm lucky that the mum friends I've made have stayed as a (albeit a bit disjointed and quirky) group so we do things together. But I can't take any credit for that, I'm not the "glue" but because I'm now v close with a couple of them the wider group has become part of my life.

PermanentLockdown · 06/12/2021 12:23

I've never been in a group. I have a lot of close standalone friendships.

Sometimes the groups look fun and other times they strike me as looking exhausting

Fl0w3ry · 06/12/2021 12:26

I like the idea of a big group of friends, but I don’t cope well in groups at all. I completely lose my voice.
Mid 40s is still young enough that it could happen for you again. Although I know what you mean, some people seem to decide they have enough friends by certain ages.
Hobbies, evening classes, volunteering or joining some sort of club might bring more people into your life. Things can change.

Echobelly · 06/12/2021 12:26

I definitely had one in school, but not since then. The nearest I have is the school friends I am still in touch with, but I the rest of my friends are quite a disparate bunch. I do wish I had a reliable person or group to call on, but all the people I like most are a bit flakey or live miles away, so I can't just call them up informally and meet up when I feel like it or have a moment.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 12:39

I’m the opposite, I’ve been part of a few groups but prefer one to one friendships.

SirVixofVixHall · 06/12/2021 12:41

I have never been part of a group of female friends. I did used to spend time occasionally (eg meet up in the pub) with a mixed sex group , but that was a long time ago. I have always preferred to spend one on one time with each friend.

CounsellorTroi · 06/12/2021 12:43

Not since I was at school. Prefer one on one friendships. There seems to be so much drama involved in groups.

Original poster

Highlanders372 · 06/12/2021 12:47

Thanks for all the replies, I think after 20 years of trying I've just run out of steam for it. Its exhausting having to constantly put yourself out there especially when it doesn't happen naturally, feels like flogging a dead horse. I think I'll stick to my individual friendships for now and then throw myself back into it when I've got more time and energy. I've got a lot of caring responsibilities at the moment. As much as I'd love a solid group of friends I haven't got the energy needed to build it especially as all my previous attempts have failed.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 06/12/2021 12:51

'Sometimes the groups look fun and other times they strike me as looking exhausting'

I agree. Always wise to be a bit cynical about the picture perfect FB or IG photos of 'girls night out' or 'girls weekend'. In reality, there would probably be at least one person who gets on your nerves and you feel you have to tolerate for the sake of the group

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 06/12/2021 12:59

Is there a branch of the Women's Institute near you, or more than one so you could try a few out for size? A friend of mine (early 40s) became part of a friendship group there.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 06/12/2021 13:00

People on MN can be very cynical about friendship but my friendship group really enhances my life.

Theunamedcat · 06/12/2021 13:03

I get you I feel ostracised from groups there is a group going out today for a Christmas lunch I actually introduced half of them to each other an I've not been invited

Its a bit of a kick in the teeth to be honest

thamesriviera · 06/12/2021 13:03

No, never.

Been swept along in other friend groups for odd occasions, but mostly have stand alone friends.

I agree with a PP who pointed out that most groups have hidden tensions and cliques within, I'm happier without all that.

onemouseplace · 06/12/2021 13:06

@Lottapianos

'Sometimes the groups look fun and other times they strike me as looking exhausting'

I agree. Always wise to be a bit cynical about the picture perfect FB or IG photos of 'girls night out' or 'girls weekend'. In reality, there would probably be at least one person who gets on your nerves and you feel you have to tolerate for the sake of the group

I totally agree.

Interestingly, I have a have a couple of groups of female friends. One is much more relaxed and I really enjoy it. The other one has completely run its course for me mainly due to one person, but I can't really extricate myself without looking like I am flouncing, so I grit my teeth and bear it (the curse of WhatsApp - I'm sure this group would havd just drifted apart naturally if it weren't for a WhatsApp group).

Sparticle · 06/12/2021 13:09

Most of the friends' groups I know (and am not part of) are those who grew up together so pretty much school friends. I've kept in touch with two friends from secondary school and both live hundreds of miles from me.

We moved to a new city six months ago so while I've made some individual friends, the mums groups are all established. Ithere are some lovely people in our new church and the choir I've joined but everyone has their friendships and families and now we're all in our 40s and 50s I think my time for finding a friends group for meet ups etc has passed, which is a shame.

ghostmouse · 06/12/2021 13:11

Stand alone friends for me
None of my friends know each other and I prefer it that way.

I have about 3 close people

I also lose my voice in groups

JMAngel1 · 06/12/2021 16:12

Now I love to bring my friends together into a group - I like tge dynamics of it and it also means I can see everyone in one fell swoop - 1 night out instead of 5 - win win

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 06/12/2021 16:26

@Tessellation

I used to go to an exercise class every Saturday morning. Always the same people there. We went for years - we all got to know eachother and it was very much a part of my weekend routine. I'm also part of a gardening group - we are lots of different ages, very much a part of eachother's lives but what binds us are common interests. Sometimes we'll stop and chat and drink tea, once in a while someone will organise a group outing. We're all different ages, it's a very supportive, easygoing group.

These are groups that I enjoy being part of.

I understand what you're longing for but I think the picture perfect image of a group of girlfriends who support eachother and go through the ups and downs of life together is flawed. Behind the FB photos of the girls in matching pyjamas on their weekends away and the "Find your tribe, love them hard" slogans, you'll often see that one person has been ostracised, or is invited along slightly less often than the rest. You'll find simmering tensions between at least two members. You'll find that the DC of at least two of them actually hate eachother and resent being pushed together to get on. In groups like this it doesn't take much for the dynamic to change completely - sometimes just the passage of time.

I mean, I'm sure there are some lovely, supportive girl groups out there, but I've yet to hear of one that is universally and consistently so...

Agree with this and having spent years yearning for similar I've learned it's a rare thing.

I blame Sex and the City

WaterAndTheWild · 06/12/2021 16:42

I feel the same about wishing I had a big supportive group of friends but I can't help wondering if they actually exist (perhaps that's just my jealousy speaking!)

DH was on the fringes of a big group that was like something out of a Richard Curtis film. It was pretty incestuous and there were lots of simmering tensions - and yet, everyone did stick together - in a similar way to a family, I suppose (not the incest), loving each other despite flaws and disagreements.. One thing I didn't like was that the group as a whole would welcome in new people and get bored of them after a while - then they'd be eased back out of the group and not seen again

Negligee · 06/12/2021 16:50

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

People on MN can be very cynical about friendship but my friendship group really enhances my life.

Agreed. I don't recognise any of the drama, exclusions, subsidiary WhatsApp groups etc that are so often documented on here. My friendships absolutely add to my enjoyment of my life. I've had time-and-space specific groups of friends, but once we've moved on (I've moved around a lot between countries), I've tended to retain only the strongest of the individual friendships from those groups.

Having said that, I've found a remarkably lovely new female friendship group, despite being 49 and despite lockdown, and having moved countries just before the first lockdown, in DS's friends' mothers (and actually the fathers too, in some cases), and a couple of other women from their class. They are interesting, creative, do fascinating stuff for a living, and are enormous fun to be around. We went out last week on a Tuesday and came home at 2 am.