I’ve got into the habit of hitting my head or occasionally bash it into the wall. It’s been going on and off for some time, probably a few years. I do this when I do something wrong or when I’m criticised or when I feel like that the only person who cares for me and I suppose loves me is upset with me. It just feels like that I deserve it and sometimes I feel better after.
No one knows that I do this. I’ve got a lot of hair so if there would be any marks it would be covered. I rarely ever cry. I stopped crying as I was judged for it and as long as I remember no one really knew what to do with me when I cried. I remember from very young age that I used to just stand there like a total dick and whoever was there would look at me like ‘what a fuck’
I don’t have family or friends. Not a single one… I can’t make relationships. I do have a boyfriend who is very social and outgoing. People like him. He is easy to like. But I’m the opposite. No one likes me. No one ever wants to be with me. I understand why to be honest. I’m quite a difficult one. I do an awful lot of bad and often think bad things of others.
It’s just been tough tho… I know that others have much bigger problems than me… in all fairness my only problem is me. My behaviour. The things I say and do and think… but it’s just been tough and I just have no way out of it. I’ve lived like this always. 30 years gone and I don’t think I’ve ever been happy… not as a child. Not as a teenager. Not as an adult.