How can I improve my confidence when talking to people?

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I grew up in a chaotic and sometimes abusive household and am naturally quite anxious and sensitive to raised voices.

I mask it really well and have a good control over my voice and expressions in day to day life and friends have told me I come across as unflappable.

However, when I get into a serious conversation with someone, I just find it so hard.
I seem to get overwhelmed reading their expressions and being affected by their emotions and then trying to stop myself rubbing my arms and looking obviously uncomfortable. I can’t seem to control it and it often affects how much technical information I can take in.
I struggle with eye contact and knowing how much to give.

I want a career change soon, but I can’t imagine how to present the competent professional front that I need to. Does anyone have any book or course recommendations that have helped them?
I am trying mindfulness meditation already to try calm the racing thoughts.
I don’t want to be this highly strung.

Bump

Hi there, I didn't want to read and leave. I'm not surprised you feel like this because of your childhood experiences and lifelong anxiety is often the result in these circumstances. First of all I think you are doing well to be able to mask this for much of the time. However I don't think that this is doing you any favours in the long term. Have you ever had any counselling as this may help you understand your feelings a little better. A counsellor may also be able to provide advice regarding appropriate support strategies. If you are able to find something that works for you when you are beginning to feel overwhelmed then I think that this would help. The obvious things like regular meditation, mindfulness, exercise all help. Do you have a close person you can discuss this with in real life as that may also help OP. All the best.

Masking is exhausting, are you taking that into account?

I think you need to work on this in a deeper level. Work through the trauma with a counsellor so that youre reactions are to the present not to your past. Make sure you see a trauma counsellor not just a general one.

Thank you both. I am having counselling at the minute and I have been able to work out where this all comes from, but I am no closer to coping strategies yet. I will ask him when I see him this week.
It feels debilitating because I care a lot and want to help people, but find communicating so full-on.

It sounds like you already have coping strategies though. Ideally you want to get to a place where you don't need to rely on in the moment coping strategies because you're reactions will be different so there will be no need.

You sound as if your sense of self is weak, so that you over-identify with other people, rather than the conversation serving the purpose it needs to, an exchange of information you need to do your job..? What field are you in and what field are you moving into?

@MeltedButter
How do I get there? It seems ingrained?

@Strawing Growing up I had to be hyper vigilant and this seems to have become my default when I’m stressed.
I definitely had a weak self of self throughout my twenties, but I feel that I have got past that now.
I am moving from an admin role to a minor clinical role.

Trauma treatment (either by an experienced therapist, or learning and applying strategies on your own) can help with this, but it is a long road, not a quick fix.

Have you tried grounding strategies during these conversations, like deep breathing, feeling the ground through the soles of your feet?

Another technique is to visualise their energy, and a barrier to stop it entering you, or a pathway to ground it into the earth if it does. I know it's just a metaphor, but the imagery helps me to stop taking on others' emotions.

If it reaches the level of a flashback (i.e. feeling as if this is the situation from the past), I find the STOPP technique helpful, though it's not something you can do mid-conversation. www.dis-sos.com/stopp-flashbacks/

Have you tried EMDR?

Thank you @MMMarmite, those are some helpful ideas.
@MeltedButter I have looked at it briefly but wasn’t sure I would be a good candidate