ADHD - anyone got any hints and tips for coping with life

[Gingernaut]

I have a magic marker in the kitchen, which I use to write the use by or best before dates on jars and packages

I use clear containers and jars so I can see what's in them and what state they're in

I don't have one cupboard for all the cleaning gear. I keep things I use to clean, close to where I use them - bathroom and toilet cleaners in the bathroom, laundry detergents close to the washing machine and shoe care stuff close to my shoes.

I have magnetic boards, lots of magnets and clips and even have magnetic sheets which I can cut and stick to items so that they can go on the boards - phone, frequently used screwdrivers and pen pots are all stuck up on IKEA metal boards

I keep a letter opener handy so that when mail come in, it's opened straight away. I decide whether it needs to be filed or whether something needs to be done and clip it up, ready to be dealt with.

I have lots of mirrors and dry wipe pens - If I need to remember something, I write it on one or more mirrors, so that when I look in the mirror, I'll see the note.

If I need to remember to post a letter or bring something out with me, I place it on the floor, in front of a door I have to pass through to leave the house.

I have magnetic note pads stuck about the place, so that I can write notes to myself wherever I am.

II have a whiteboard in my bedroom - the first and last thing I see when I wake up is what I've written on the board.

New job uses Microsoft Teams - I have my shifts to hand whenever I open the app.

Anyone got anything else?

Apps? Practices?

I wrote a reply to this yesterday, mn logged me out when the page crashed loading one of their shitty adverts and I then got distracted and forgot!

I find a physical diary and a wall planner work better than technology. They're both duplicates of each other and I can see everything at a glance, wherever I am. And everything goes on them, from insurance renewals to pet vaccinations. Not just appointments and term dates.

Habit, routine and planning. Obviously they go to shit sometimes when something else takes my interest, but they do help. Eg I meal plan a week ahead, then go round the house and write a shopping list at a specific time for a weeks shop. My purse and keys will be exactly where I left them because I always put them in the same place before I even take my coat off. I also live rurally so generally do a massive shop every so often and bulk stock everything, meaning it doesn't matter if I forget to check everything, or meal plans change.

I write comprehensive, and achievable lists. They contain tasks I love, those I don't mind and jobs I loathe. I tend to do them depending what mood I'm in. Eg I clipped the horses on a day I was procrastinating about cleaning the oven because I can always motivate myself for yard jobs. I then cleaned the oven when I was having a hyper day.

The biggest tip I have for anyone with adhd is to stop judging yourself as a faulty nt person. We aren't.

@missbunnyrabbit I'm sorry you feel we aren't being inclusive to nt people, scatterbrained or otherwise. Must be hard for them, living in a world geared towards nuerodiversity and struggling to find coping mechanisms and life tips that work when you're nt.
And fwiw I don't think I've ever met someone with adhd that is genuinely forgetful. Granted we don't all always remember everything at the right moment, but given the huge amount of info we take in, every waking moment because we can't naturally filter like nts, I think it's a bloody miracle we can recall anything at the appropriate time.

I do body doubling with a friend via video call once a week or so. We do a 15-20 min chat where we catch up on news and say what we want to get done then we agree a time to call back (usually after an hour) where we have a five mins chat to say how we did. I always get something done so I have a success to share when we check in. It’s not always everything on the list last week it was sometimes it ends up being different jobs.

I am a feminist and I have to say that we are often unable to see the fact that some of our problems are not only ADHD problems they are Woman problems. We should be pushing back against the unspoken and unexamined given that women do all the family thinking, organisation, and general shitwork. I know NAMALT but I've literally never met a couple where the emotional load of family life was genuinely evenly split. Several women on this thread mention that their other halves are unusually not-wanker-ish.

I work from home as much as I can so I don't have to deal with other people's noises and get distracted by side conversations. I can also put on washing and get through tasks at the same time.

When doing a work task I use the pomodoro method (4 blocks of 25 minutes work with no distractions followed by a 5 minute break, then a longer break after each session). I pair this with listening to white noise on massive noise cancelling headphones. I also am in a silent zoom with total strangers, we work with our cameras on and sound off, seeing other people work helps me to concentrate

Can I ask if any of you have a problem with remembering dates/ the chronology of events? I find it genuinely impossible to answer questions like how long have you worked here? Even when did you get married?
I remember all the events really clearly but just cannot sequence them.

@ToooOldForThis same.

I am currently awaiting formal diagnosis. I am terrified that professionals will tell me that I am wasting their time and I am lazy and unfocused, and that I just need to get my shit together and adult like everyone else does.

So thank you for this thread. I recognise myself in so much here, and the methods I employ to keep life ticking over. Plus some brilliant tips. Am now in danger of hyperfocus re: how to adhd on YouTube though!

I have always felt that I just can't explain to the people in my life that in order for me to do what they seemingly do so easily, it takes me huge amounts more effort, energy and focus. I simply thought I was a shit adult.

It contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, is giving me huge problems at work and being a single mum is challenging to say the least. I think that although my dearest friends love me, they see me as flaky and unreliable. When if they saw what goes on in my head they would probably be amazed that anything happens at all 🤣

So thank you, this thread has made me realise that maybe I'm not a crap person after all, and that there are lots of us. x 1000 OP for starting it.

Can I just ask if anyone else 'rehearses' a task before doing it?
I do this all the time, imagine myself doing each step of the task. Sometimes it works and I get the task done.
Sometimes, however, it exhausts me as much as the actual task and then it doesn't get done!

@RobertClementHughes the best thing about my diagnosis, which I got about 4 years ago in my late 30s has been the ability to forgive myself for struggling, make allowances for my difficulties and stop seeing myself as flaky and lazy.

@JeffVaderneedsatray I do this, particularly for difficult conversations, don’t think it helps, but I go over and over stuff in my head.

@nodogz

Clothes rail in the bedroom where I used to chuck my clothes. Prescription meds next to coffee pot. Teeth brushed as soon as I get up.

When trying to accomplish a task. Do it in a place where there is another human or watch body double vid on YouTube.

I'm very sensitive to rejection so I have to check in and be nice to myself when it happens.

I have a routine for coming in the house and my kid knows not to chat or be silly during this time (less sinister than it sound)

If you want to get shit done whilst working from home put your shoes on and listen to a classical music playlist

If your house looks like shit and you have no motivation invite people round for drinks/playdate/party. It will be sparkling in record time

If you have space, have see through boxes in the loft for stuff like kids memories. Christmas, camping, halloween etc

As motivating as shame and guilt are they are not nice to live with and not sustainable.

Im waiting for an adhd assessment but it's so clear I have many of the traits. I do think it's about 'hacking' your brain and that in the right circumstances adhd is a superpower!

These suggestions are brilliant. Will definitely try the wearing shoes if working from home.

I've found using the Moleskine apps - Timeline and Actions really helpful. But I take paper notes in meetings in one book so I know they're all in the same place.

Most of your tips would help me OP but I assume you don't live with anyone?

I leave out anything I need to reply to/ pay/ post but my DH "tidies it away" and I forget it. I keep pens in various places and he "borrows" them. I have tried all sorts of systems and checks but he destroys them all. I have given up and we live in a midden. I have completely lost interest.

Thank you for your thread OP, I'm going use the dry wipe pen one for DD1.

I'm certain she had ADHD (she presents very much like my brother who has a diagnosis). I was thinking to delay it as she already has a diagnosis of dyslexia, but this thread has made me see it might help her be easier on herself. She's coming up to her teens so at a tricky age.

I'm also going to try the velcro one for DD1's phone. She lost it for a few weeks, then found it in a hat, in her bedroom.

Her phone has parental controls on it so I can see where it is. It's not so I can check up on her, but it alleviates a lot of worry when she can't find it. We were able to establish it was at home this time so it was only a matter of time before it was found.

I also helped her put her fortnightly timetable on there for school at the beginning of term.

I don't have adhd but my son does.
So its a Mums perspective.

Alexa... i leave him reminders on her and alarms..

I do lists for him with limited results.

Declutteing.. and having a specific place for things

I will be borrowing some of these tips

My husband has ADHD and he's so easily overwhelmed that it overwhelms me trying to organise his life so that he's not overwhelmed!

@thelegohooverer
I switched my fridge around and put condiments in the salad drawers and veg that goes off at eye level.

I read this brilliant tip, instantly thought “I need to do this”, and kept reading. By the time I reached the end of the thread I remembered I’d seen an amazing tip but could not remember what it was. I scrolled back to find it.

[quote thelegohooverer]@ToooOldForThis same.[/quote]
Thank you, that's so interesting to know. I just can't sort things out somehow and it gets embarrassing. Like remembering friends' life events, or even my own, and it makes me look uninterested when I'm really not!
I tried to refer back to something that happened at the start of covid the other day, and I just couldn't work out when that had been!

One thing that I find really helpful is to phone someone when I've got housework to do that I just can't seem to get started. It's like the part of my brain that deals with that works better when it's not got direct focus. So cleaning the kitchen and folding the laundry is very easy and almost automatic if I'm distracted from it, and having a reciprocal conversation works way better for me than music, because I have to participate. I don't know- it just works for my brain. The more I focus on something I don't really want to do, the harder it is for me to do it.

@OberthursGrizzledSkipper

Most of your tips would help me OP but I assume you don't live with anyone?

I leave out anything I need to reply to/ pay/ post but my DH "tidies it away" and I forget it. I keep pens in various places and he "borrows" them. I have tried all sorts of systems and checks but he destroys them all. I have given up and we live in a midden. I have completely lost interest.

I live in a midden too but due to the opposite problem. I live with an adhd man (or rather he lives with me). I have ADHD diagnosed mid forties, now 60. I've given up trying to keep this house clean and tidy as I was always working around his bloody mess - never cleared up after his little projects. Now my mess is equal to his and I've lost interest in my home and him. I wasn't perfect when I was married to an NT man but our house certainly wasn't a midden. My untidiness then was restricted to a single room of doom. I know there's depression currently running alongside my ADHD too, which doesn't help. I wish he'd hurry up and leave. I feel I could keep things more under control if I didn't have the stress of having him around. It's things like having to cook a meal when I really can't be bothered. He gets home at 4.30 has plenty of time to get started with meal prep but does naff all towards it. Then asks what are we having for dinner? It feels like torture as I get in at 6.30 or nearer 8.00 on my late nights and I don't have any spoons remaining to cope with it after a day at work.

Anyway... that's enough negativity!!

In happier times I still used to find getting dressed on work days the hardest thing to do.

If I couldn't quickly put my hands on a pair of knickers or socks or a tena lady, or even all three, a meltdown was likely. I got into the habit of folding a pair of knickers around a pad and a pair of socks and putting them in a drawer. 14 neat parcels resembling a Marie Kondo job - enough to allow for me forgetting to unload the washing machine. It was a game-changer for me

@ToooOldForThis

Can I ask if any of you have a problem with remembering dates/ the chronology of events? I find it genuinely impossible to answer questions like how long have you worked here? Even when did you get married? I remember all the events really clearly but just cannot sequence them.

You know those really annoying people, who warble on, trying to describe an event by relating it to other things that are happening? That's me.

Well, I know it was a Thursday, because that's the half day I get my hair done, I had just walked out of the salon and I could feel the little cut hairs under my shirt and needed to get them off?

Well anyway, that day, I saw Mrs So-And-So and I ended up talking to her for about half an hour and by the time we had finished, I was itching like I had fleas!

Well anyway, I got home later than I would have done.....

I'm like that.

@ToooOldForThis no, but I don't remember things in the way nt people do. It's through detail and seemingly unconnected circumstances. I remember things as part of a bigger picture and connect them, rather than through isolation.

@CaputApriDefero I have a similar system but I think of it as 'allowed' distractions. So for any task I know I won't hyper focus on I give myself distractions that won't interfere with what I need to get done. Rather than waiting until I have drifted away entirely from what I should be doing.

I am placemarming to come back. I prob have some

WRT timings my son often would mix up tomorrow and yesterday as in ‘are we going to do x yesterday?’ Until he was about 10, and i think he really sees time as now and not now, no sense of a timeline at all. I’m not quite like that, but I do find lengths of time are quite challenging, an hour can whizz by and 5 minutes can take forever I don’t have the same sense of passing time as NT people. I also am quick to do some tasks and really slow at others I don’t process in the same way I guess.

*You know those really annoying people, who warble on, trying to describe an event by relating it to other things that are happening? That's me.

Well, I know it was a Thursday, because that's the half day I get my hair done, I had just walked out of the salon and I could feel the little cut hairs under my shirt and needed to get them off?

Well anyway, that day, I saw Mrs So-And-So and I ended up talking to her for about half an hour and by the time we had finished, I was itching like I had fleas!

Well anyway, I got home later than I would have done.....

I'm like that*

Omg @Gingernaut we sound very similar! I do this except I also "lose the thread" when I'm talking and forget what the original point of what I was saying. So I would mean to tell DH about the haircut, get distracted with the Mrs S part and forget to tell him about the actual haircut.

I spend my life saying "what was I saying?" Luckily DH is kind about it and will patiently say "haircut".

The problem is, I will then forget I have told DH about the haircut and try and tell him again later. I also spend my life saying "have I told you this?"

As I said before my diagnosis isn't actually ADHD but my memory/concentration issues are very similar. Apart from the "practical impact" of memory problems on everyday life, one of the worst aspects for me is that I know I must be boring/irritating sometimes. Luckily DH is patient and kind and will either politely listen again or say something kind eg "you told me about the haircut before, it's very nice".

I really must be annoying sometimes though.