Do I need this time off or am I being lazy?

[Gearedtoyou]

DH died several months ago after a grueling illness for all of us. At the time I felt like I'd done my grieving while he was still alive (he wasn't "him" for 12 months before he died) and was glad to get back to "normal".

I went back to work after a few weeks and have been doing "well". Surprisingly well. Maybe too well.

This last few weeks the wheels have come off. All of a sudden it's not a relief anymore, it's not the very sick man who died, it's the lovely husband and father.

I feel exhausted from the weight of everything being down to me, all the decision making and thinking, as much as the doing.

At the same time my boss, who has always been a bit dizzy, but good and fair and I managed her effectively, has become incredibly irritating to me. Her "charm" just annoys me when she changes her mind about what she wants etc . I've become snappy with her and really don't see the point of my job any more. This is a job I previously enjoyed, the job hasn't changed, it's definitely me.

Also, DS1 who seemed to cope well to begin with too is now not coping at all, so I feel the weight of supporting him too.

Anyway, I've asked the doctor for some time off, but at the back of my mind I think maybe I've just seen an opportunity for some extra leave. So far I'm using the time to get on top of some of the things that were getting to me, to rest and to exercise outdoors. I've also arranged some counselling.

In my 35 year working life I've never had a medical certificate before and usually no sick leave from one year to the next, I'm not generally a shirker, but I do wonder if this is just me getting close to retirement and not caring anymore. Or maybe it is grief that is bringing out these feelings?

Either way is there anything to do to get back to where I was?

You need to be kind to yourself. Grief isn't linear and if things are getting to much for you then it's absolutely reasonable to take some time out, especially if work isn't an escape for you.
You don't need to explain yourself or justify your need for sick leave, it honestly speaks for itself.
Maybe this is an opportunity for you to take a step back and reevaluate your life and what your plans are now.
But most importantly look after yourself and your DC

Either way the time off will give you time to re-assess things and get more on top of everything. Nobody would blame you at all, after what you've been through.

Allow yourself to take time out, and do some relaxing calm things which bring you peace, even if it's just walks or reading, to switch off.

I don’t think you’re being lazy at all, you’ve been through a huge amount and it sounds like you’re experiencing a bit of burnout now.

@Gearedtoyou, my personal experience was with my Mums death. I was so busy doing the practical things after her death and keeping my eye on DD, sis and niece and nephew, plus I knew Mum had had enough, that I didn't really grieve. One year later, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's not that unusual.

And, of course, I'm sorry for your loss, and echo pp, be kind to yourself.

You don't say how old you are, but it's an interesting question about whether you don't really care much anymore because you are getting closer to retirement. I was much the same . When I was 59 and had a major operation to save my life. I just knew I couldn't go back to work, although like you, I really liked my job. I knew I wouldn't have the same level of commitment, so I took early retirement.

In your case, though, I remember being advised after Mum died not to make any big decisions for quite a while after a bereavement. So I'd say, take your sick leave, try to relax and treat yourself, and let tomorrow take care of itself

Definitely not lazy! Often these things do hit harder later and you need to have the time

I am only 11 weeks into my grief at losing my DH and haven’t gone back to work yet (because the shifts are going to be virtually impossible as the only parent), so I am no expert, but I expect it is grief. Grief is exhausting and I imagine that caring for your DH before he died was too, and maybe facing the first Christmas without your DH hit you too. Perhaps you just don’t have the capacity to care about work as much as before because grief takes up a lot of headspace and you also have to care about how DC are dealing with it. That’s ok. Take some time off work to look after yourself. I also hardly had a day off sick in 20 years of work, so I reason that I am now taking 20 years worth of sick days in one go.