Hi Mumsnetters - I have namechanged but have been a member for a long time...
I am struggling today with a build up of lots and lots of things that have built up over my adult life, and I'm starting to wonder if I need to go to the GP to see if something is going on, or if this is just how I am. I thought I could put these struggles down below and perhaps someone might be able to help me work out what might be going on, is it just down to my mental health, or could something be going on which is more neurodiverse. Thanks in advance for reading because this will be long...
- Work: I seem to be unable to stick with a job for longer than a year or so. The longest I've ever stayed in a job is about 18 months, and I am in my late 30s. I have always worked in a similar field, but in different roles. I seem to get to a certain point, and think it's 'not right' for me, so go and do something else. I regret almost every one of these decisions, but still do it. I have recently started a new job and am already getting feelings that I need to leave and do something else. I have had CBT and counselling to try and address this, but it hasn't really helped. I seem to just sabotage any job I have - I have worked in some really great organisations in some really interesting roles, but I never seem to be able to stick with it. I recently made the huge decision to change career completely, and move into a different field, because I just felt like I couldn't do the previous role long term. This is almost wholly based on me feeling too rubbish and suffering from 'imposter syndrome' and just feeling generally inadequate. I don't seem to be able to just stay in a job for a long enough period of time to actually get anywhere/make any progress.
- I feel things very strongly and often feel ashamed of myself, have very low self esteem, think no one likes me etc etc. I struggle in group social situations and find it either impossible to join in with the conversation, or I just totally monopolise the conversation and don't let anyone else get a word in. I don't really know how to 'be' any other way in group situations.
- As a child I would go red very easily, someone could just say 'hello' to me and I would go red, completely out of the blue. I hated speaking in front of the class etc for this reason. I have overcome this mostly now, however there are still times where I just go bright red for no apparent reason.
- I am very forgetful and have forgotten quite a few important events recently - if I don't write something down and send myself multiple reminders, I will forget. I forgot to get my child's friend a present recently even though I knew the party was coming up, I have often just completely forgotten about appointments etc. I forgot to turn up to a concert I was supposed to be performing in once...
- I HATE small talk, it makes me feel physically uncomfortable and I always feel like I'm just being sooo awkward and people just want to get away from me. I can often see people looking really bored when I am talking to them, like they clearly want to just get away from me.
- People have commented on my tone of voice and the way I speak - they have said that it is very monotonous and lacks pitch/tone. I have to consciously alter the tone of my voice to hopefully make it more interesting/engaging.
- I like to be prepared for new situations as much as possible - what it looks like, where to park, who will be there etc etc. This might just be what everyone's like, but it makes me anxious if I can't picture somewhere I am going to before hand.
Those are just a few of the things that are getting me down, my MH goes up and down but I am feeling particularly low at the moment. I do have a couple of things in mind that might be going on, but won't mention those here as I want to see what your thoughts are based on those few things.
Sorry that was so long and I really really appreciate any insight anyone can give me! Thank you