NC even though I don't really see the point. Warning may have triggers.
I really don't think I can cope any more. I'm not really seeing the point of anything and am just so very very tired of everything. Probably no point this post either. I feel I'm in a hole I can no longer dig myself out of.
It's neither one thing nor another but an enormous insurmountable mountain of small things piling up on top of each other. Today, the proverbial straw which broke the camel's back was the fact that my children have failed yet again to receive the flu vaccine at school. Rather like the covid vaccine debacle there wasn't enough time to vaccinate everybody.
Being immune suppressed and having children with asthma is quite important that my children were vaccinated. Because of the school programme they weren't eligible at the local GP surgery. The thought of having to phone the GP again tomorrow is just horrific. I have spent many hours tracking down a second Covid vaccine for them which they are supposed to have because I'm immune suppressed. After 4 weeks of chasing this still hasn't happened. Nobody is returning my calls. ( this follows me having to chase for six weeks being passed between my consultant, the GP and the CGP to get my own third vaccine which the consultant stipulated I had to have before I could start a new treatment. That treatment has also failed, leaving me in a position where I am struggling to look after myself let alone have to fight for the children.)
I live on my own. I rarely see real life human beings other than my children. I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times I have been into a shop since 2019. My ExH does have the children a lot but has other issues at the moment that mean that he can't help with sorting this out and I still have to do a lot of the child taxi service type stuff even though I am exhausted due to my illness. he is also more than happy to send the children to me without LFT testing and when they're ill.
With the impending winter and the delightful Omicron, I just don't see the point in me carrying on. In some respects I am quite fit with low blood pressure, low cholesterol, low resting heart rate, normal BMI etc. 6 months ago I was the fittest I had ever been but now the disease has flared up so badly I really have significantly reduced quality-of-life.
I nearly lost a child due to their poor mental health. Not a cry for help, a genuine resuscitation situation. Since then my ExH and DC and I have been through all forms of suffering. One DC went completely off the rails, another has severe social difficulties. There have been no positives I can think of - nobody has had holiday, nobody has achieved anything, nobody is happy.
Every day is stressful for everybody. And really hate watching the DC suffer. If they get really ill with something that could have been prevented by vaccination would be cruel and my fault. but right now I don't think I can fight. I just want it all to end. I'm so physically and mentally exhausted I just can't keep going.
I've been on antidepressants for some years a low dose. Can't get off them but at the same time when the dose was increased it made things worse. It took over a year to find one that worked and I think several classes were ruled out in the interim. It's not something that my GP will change as a it's prescribed by psychiatrist as it was an unusual depression. CBT, counselling and therapy all failed.