Anodyne questions and topics of conversation

[RunOutOfChat]

I’m struggling to make friends at my daughter’s school. Very insular church school tiny catchment community and everyone knew each other before arriving. We’re new, not religious, and I need to make an effort as DD is an only child and too little to do playdates by herself.

I have no chat. Before Covid life was good but now we never go anywhere, never do anything, don’t see anyone, so I have nothing to say. I have a chronic illness so am a SAHM, which means no work convos either.

I just can’t get beyond small talk. People are friendly and smiley but I just struggle to keep the chat going.

Worst of all, I can’t keep conversations going with my husband. I love him to bits and I think and hope he’s that way about me, but we lie in bed on our phones.

What is there to talk about now? I want to keep well away from Covid, BLM, trans rights and all those types of hot topics as I don’t know enough and don’t want the inevitable debate. Yet I don’t want to discuss Bake Off either.

What do the interesting people you know ask you or tell you?

Oh the irony of no replies to my post 😢

Oh OP I feel for you. I'm rubbish at making chat too. I've found asking questions and getting people to talk about themselves is always a good way to go.

You can always talk about TV you've watched, books you've read or easy of all the children. Or about how CBBC is driving you mad. Of Ben and Holly made you laugh...

Maybe ask them for advice as you're new to the area?

And maybe put your phone down when you're in bed with your DH and practise on him!

Ask your DH what he did during the day... what made him laugh. What wound him up. How was his commute... anything! Just ask him questions.

And tell him about your day too. What did you do with DC? What funny radio programme did you listen too? What new podcasts did you fund? (Is fully recommend Drunk women solving crime- it always makes me laugh!)

As it's getting closer to Christmas this is a good time to get close to the other mums at the school. Are there Christmas activities at school or in the church you can help with?

Sorry for all the typos! I really need to read my posts before I publish them! Hope you get the gist!

Thank you for your reply. I think I have developed social anxiety. If ever I do have a longer conversation with someone then afterwards I find myself constantly analysing what I said and kicking myself for saying it.

The topics you mentioned are the ones in my repertoire but I don’t have the ability to riff on afterwards as other people seem to have.

I do need to get off my phone!

You're not alone! Since covid I have lost the ability to make aimless small talk. Asking questions is a good start though, and focusing on things you know you have in common - school stuff, kid frustrations etc. Find out who your daughter likes to hang out with at school and then just take the plunge and ask the parents if the kid would like to come over for a play date. It's tough though! Is there anything locally you can join to broaden your interests?

Oog it's hard isn't it. I am so out of practice at socialising. It's so lovely when you get in with someone really chatty and they do the legwork for you!

I think you should always leave the conversation knowing more about the other person than they know about you - so if they ask you something ask it back to them, listen to what they say and ask another question off the back. I think really listening to what people say makes it easier.
And altho starters like the weather, or the kids, or Christmas etc don't feel that special, if the other person is game, they'll read it as an opener and hopefully give you something back.

Do you have hobbies and interests? Silly things you've done recently. Definitely agree with pp about asking for recommendations about your new area (even if you don't really care).

Reading lots helps me - non fiction so you can discuss ideas and news from good sources (eg the economist) so you can bring up current affairs and sound smart. The main thing to remember though is that people love talking about themselves so just ask them questions.

But I also 100% feel you, I feel very dull since covid and also struggle to chat!

One trick I had in my dating days was to write a few pointers down of subjects to discuss as I thought about the during the day or read about them in the news, then on the date I would surreptitiously check my phone notes and bring up the topics in convo.

For your husband, I have found something from the School of Life called “conversation menus” these are really great! Me and DH have had some great chats following these - maybe something to buy for his stocking! :)

Most church communities will welcome anyone who is prepared to volunteer for things. Our local church welcomes believers, religious but also attenders non religious and friends who tend to be interested in the historical role and fabric of the church. There will also be bell ringers and volunteers for all sorts of things.

Try asking how you can help. They are bound to bite your hand off.

I sympathise. I've really run out of things to say. Life it pretty quiet right now still, post Covid.

You could always try getting involved in PTA of another community group so you have that focus for chat. You could suggest a class mums' night out or invite a couple of DD's friends for tea and if the mothers are SAHMs, invite them to stay for a cup of tea and just chat generally about school, Christmas plans, whether people are riskimg going abroad next year etc. The basic stuff.

With DH could you make plans? Discuss where you next want to go on holiday or some fun days out as a family for Christmas or next year, some nights out for the pair of you. See if a band you like are playing or there's a show on you'd both like to see or a sports event you'd both like to sign up for etc.

From reading Dale Carnegie book on how to make friends and influence people, usually i discusse the person's intrests, then try to talk about common topics, or shared similar intrests, but mainly I try to find out more about the person's personality, their perspectives, their hobbies, weekend adventures, and go from there.

I don’t think you need to dazzle people with your chat. Is it you thinking that talking about TV isn’t interesting, or is that what you expect them to think?

I think loosing the drawstring on your brain a bit really helps, you might feel initially that you’re rattling on about something in the paper/the difficulties of buying Christmas presents for your mother/how lovely someone’s coat is - and that it’s a bit dull - but it’s about getting through the difficult first 5 minutes isn’t it. Do you feel that you used to have more to say?

Thank you for the replies.

I think I’m suffering from a loss of confidence. I was never a great wit and raconteur before, but I think back and always had some interesting conversations and some good ‘casual’ friendships in the past.

No longer being in work and being new here has meant I’m not entirely sure who I might fit in with.

There is one very smiley and chatty mum who is in a similar boat but has dived straight in and her friendliness actually makes me feel worse, although I can’t describe why.

I have accepted all the PTA and church invitations, but it’s keeping conversations going, and following up or meeting up afterwards, that I can’t seem to do any more.

I think in social chit chat situations the majority of people respond well to honesty and even a little bit of human vulnerability.

For example, you just started a chat here which has offered up a number of topics. It's one you could repeat next time you are in the situation.

So you exhaust the small usual topics, how you're doing, weather, whatever, and you could easy say something along the lines of "it's so good to get out and socialise/see people, although I feel out of practice! What do we talk about when we've all been indoors for months?"

See what people respond with. Do they agree? Do you start discussing potential subjects as part of the conversation itself. Laugh at the funny ones, pick up one that has legs.

Sometimes you've just got to get the momentum of the conversation going. I think you'd be surprised how many share your lack of confidence, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

Sounds like that smiley chatty mum is someone you need to get to know!

What else do you at home? Any hobbies or even former hobbies?

Could you ask things like "hi we are quite new. Have you been here for a few years? Do you know if they do cards for the teachers at Xmas / a different PE class in the lent term, a particular school trip next term" or " do you know do the parents ever get involved in school community stuff. Who organizes it" (be careful there as it sucks time but is a great way to meet people). Also just stuff like ask the person with a dog if there are walks they'd recommend nearby if you're into that sort of thing. It is hard but practice will help. And definitely don't analyse it. If you get a friendly parent they won't think twice about making a new friend. Try to find the one that's always chatting and go ask the question. Lean on being new and needing help.

Remember it’s not just you that needs to keep the conversation going - it’s also your conversational partner. And silences are ok too.

I used to be very shy and would write down things to talk about. Now I can have a conversation about anything. What helps is to be curious and ask questions as pp have said.