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Am I being unreasonable?

15 replies

Crazymum2009 · 29/11/2021 20:52

So having a few problems with the in-laws and to top is all off we’ve been asked to a family birthday meal. Unfortunately we’re away so suggested alternative dates and agreement was reached so thought all was well. However just discovered from DH tonight we’re expected to contribute 50% of the meal in exchange for a present. (Meal will be 4 times what I spend on a present) To be fair our kids will probably be more expensive than their cousins so will get more value for money and feeling sorry for them, but still feel aggrieved that I’ve been invited to something and asked to pay for the privilege! In the past we’ve taken them for meals or hosted and not expected a single penny including my 40th birthday where we paid for their food and drinks! In contrast to my parents and sister who always insist on paying for everything I find this quite strange. This was also the case with my in-laws when we first married and normally they’re quite generous. Is this now the norm where you invite someone and ask them to pay?

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 29/11/2021 20:56

When you say pay for half the meal how many meals aside from your own family will you be expected to pay for?

Crinkle77 · 29/11/2021 21:03

With my family and friends we pay for ourselves so totally normal. If I was asked out for a meal I wouldn't assumed they were paying.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/11/2021 21:05

I wouldn’t expect someone to fork out for an entire birthday meal- as long as costs are laid out upfront I have no issue

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WorraLiberty · 29/11/2021 21:07

It's the norm for some people - yes.

I would never expect anyone to pay for my meal. As long as it's sorted beforehand I don't see the problem.

Crazymum2009 · 29/11/2021 21:10

So there will be 2 families of 4 plus the in-laws and it’s my understanding that it will be split 50/50 between the us and the other family. Its more that it’s quite a pricey restaurant so somewhere I’d choose for a special occasion and that the drinks bill will be quite pricey. To top this I threw a restaurant standard meal for their golden wedding in lockdown (not breaking any rules under the rule of 6) and this seems to have been long forgotten as per usual!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/11/2021 21:13

Fair enough to ask for the drinks bill to be separate, don’t think it’s fair to put for someone else’s expensive tastes there.

Crazymum2009 · 29/11/2021 21:13

We do normally split the bill equally when out with friends and always happy to pay our way, just annoying how the in-laws suddenly expect us to be always available to see them and then splash a load of cash. If we’re paying for the meal I like to be aware of our costs and budgets not have this spring on us without any choice.

OP posts:
Crazymum2009 · 29/11/2021 21:15

Onlyfoolsnmothers yes they have very expensive taste where as I will opt for the budget wine they go for a premium one

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/11/2021 21:23

Honestly I would just say let’s pay for what we have rather than split 50/50
I get the frustration when you feel other people spend your money- I do think your general dislike/ previous issues are making this seem worse, or more offensive than it is. To spring it on you would be to do it at the restaurant.

Cobiemakesmesmulder · 29/11/2021 21:47

I always expect to pay my own way, regardless of who invited or what the occasion is.

Yes it's nice if other people foot the bill, but not everyone can afford £200-300 in one go.

Crazymum2009 · 29/11/2021 22:46

We always expect to pay our way and I don’t have a problem with this. I’m well known for hosting large family events with food and drink that probably costs way in excess of this meal. I just don’t like being told I’m going to have to foot a £200 + bill on top of hosting Xmas for a dinner I’m expected to attend and would rather not. In addition I would have picked a slightly cheaper restaurant since DH keeps refusing to take me to similar priced restaurants due to cost!

OP posts:
Blahdyblahbla · 30/11/2021 11:53

So you've been invited to MILs birthday meal, and instead of a present she's asked if you'll cover her meal, with DHs sibling covering fathers meal?
If it's a restaurant you'll enjoy and you can afford it I really don't see an issue, am I missing something?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 30/11/2021 11:56

Never have I been invited out anywhere and not expected to pay. I have been paid for on occasion and it's been a nice surprise but I'd never expect it

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2021 12:13

I think it’s fine, she wants a birthday mean instead of a gift and you and the other family pay for youtselves and her. I think it’s a lovely idea

Clearly you don’t so you do you.

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2021 12:18

@Blahdyblahbla

So you've been invited to MILs birthday meal, and instead of a present she's asked if you'll cover her meal, with DHs sibling covering fathers meal? If it's a restaurant you'll enjoy and you can afford it I really don't see an issue, am I missing something?
I think we are all missing something…😂
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