Husband allergic to sorry

[CaputApriDefero]

Anyone else with a husband allergic to the word "sorry" and incredibly failure intolerant? Drives me mad!!!

Mine is currently putting up some wallpaper and couldn't get the bit to fit properly over the stairs. I was painting the bannisters. He tried semi patiently for about ten minutes and then all of a sudden he tore the strip off the wall shouting "bollocks!!!!", crumpled it up and flung it down the stairs, scraping all my paintwork, smearing bits in wallpaper paste and also me! He can't possibly say sorry though, so he's just vocalised a detailed rant/explanation as to why the paper is what's at fault and he can't possibly be blamed for his tantrum. He only ever seems to do this if he feels humiliated in some way, but no matter when he does something he should apologise for, if it involves his poor behaviour or someone else's feelings, he just cannot do it! It's like he chokes on the word. His dad is the same. Never ever apologises for what he should, but no trouble apologising for knocking over a drink etc.

I am sure there will be people who can say "oh no, I married a man, not a teenager, and he's never ever displayed the emotional immaturity yours does." And "what do you get out of this relationship?" folk too.... the answer is "loads" and I am literally just asking about what I've asked about.

So, anyone else with a husband who can't say sorry when he should?

Yep, skips it and moves on as if nothing happened! Tra la la la , but I need my chat!

Haha. I've been him. It's so frustrating when you can't get it quite right. And I think you'll find it's 100% the wallpaper and wall's fault. I'd just agree and ignore till all the wallpapers up. Might remind him when you're debating who's going to make tea.

DH is exactly the bloody same.

I thought wallpaper was meant to be put up by a minimum of two people, at least that's what all the online guides say. One reason I've always steered clear (well that and I find most of it ghastly).

My dad never apologises, he just acts like it never happened.

My ex was exactly like this, never apologised for anything, and not just to me. I’ll never forget the year we were on holiday, and he was in the pool quite late, people were walking past ready to go out for the evening and he ran and divebombed into the pool soaking them through. He just laughed at them. I was mortified.

Did he clean it up? Make good your paintwork? Did he at least show in actions that he's sorry, if not in words?

@Aposterhasnoname

My ex was exactly like this, never apologised for anything, and not just to me. I’ll never forget the year we were on holiday, and he was in the pool quite late, people were walking past ready to go out for the evening and he ran and divebombed into the pool soaking them through. He just laughed at them. I was mortified.

I don't think the two situations are in any way alike. Doing something that is deliberately nasty towards other people is different from someone over-reacting out of tiredness and frustration.

@GrumpyPanda

I thought wallpaper was meant to be put up by a minimum of two people, at least that's what all the online guides say. One reason I've always steered clear (well that and I find most of it ghastly).

Try telling my DH that! He won't have it.

Wallpapering is a two person job really.

It doesn't mitigate his tantrum though.

Wtf he threw the paper?

He sounds unhinged and dangerous OP.

What else has he thrown?

I doubt he'd throw stuff at work, nope he's saving that for you. Hope you never have DC with him

Wallpaper can be done by one person im a single parent emphasis on the single I do it alone my daughter helped me once by talking to me keeping me awake because I needed to get it done by the morning but that's all

Unless it's a long drop, you only need one person to wallpaper!

@Wotsitsits. Your comment is ridiculous. He threw some wallpaper down the stairs. Get some perspective.

My ex was like this. Didn’t say sorry and flew into embarrassing rages at inanimate objects. Awful. Life is better without him.

Yes I'm married to one of these - I actually make him say it now like I would my children - I blame his parents for the way they raised him by the way. I make sure my children are raised to apologise

Omg I am like this. Lose my rag, calm myself down, move on - and then DH claims I'm acting like it never happened. I feel like I'm acting as if I've calmed myself down and moved on. I even usually say sorry, but he seems to want a full in-depth debrief.

My tantrums don't get as far as throwing stuff - just to the verbal rant bit. I'd feel pretty out-of-control if I was throwing stuff.

Oh and I've done all the wall papering on my own in my house and I'm a foot shorter than my husband

I've got the opposite. Ketchupman says sorry to everything, almost as if "just in case" so I can never work out what is a genuine apology. Drives me nuts.

@Wotsitsits

Wtf he threw the paper?

He sounds unhinged and dangerous OP.

What else has he thrown?

I doubt he'd throw stuff at work, nope he's saving that for you. Hope you never have DC with him

Calm down a bit.

We have three children. He's never thrown anything AT anyone. And he absolutely does get stressed and frustrated at work. He's not unhinged, he's being a twat and seems to have a permanent block on saying the word "sorry" if he's feeling humiliated. Almost as if it's even more humiliating to do so. Which winds me up.

he tore the strip off the wall shouting "bollocks!!!!", crumpled it up and flung it down the stairs, scraping all my paintwork, smearing bits in wallpaper paste and also me!

So your work was wasted then.

I don't think anybody here can tell you how to make your man say sorry. Stubborn people are like impenetrable walls on that score.

I find stubborn people who can't apologise to be too much hard work so I avoid, but maybe your thing could be finding ways to stay calm about it instead of getting wound up.

After all you tpld another poster to calm down so maybe have a chat tell your husband to calm down and explain why he should.

Tearing the wallpaper isnt very useful is it, hopefully there's enough left to finish the job.

@LtGreggs

Omg I am like this. Lose my rag, calm myself down, move on - and then DH claims I'm acting like it never happened. I feel like I'm acting as if I've calmed myself down and moved on. I even usually say sorry, but he seems to want a full in-depth debrief.

My tantrums don't get as far as throwing stuff - just to the verbal rant bit. I'd feel pretty out-of-control if I was throwing stuff.

Does your verbal rant include name calling, being insulting etc? Could it look to someone else like you are out of control? If so, you may have moved on but it's not all about you. If he was there to witness it he may well need a full debrief and some reassurances that you're trying to control it? Other people manage to not do that.

I have a sibling who is like that. Flies into a rage and throws things at me. Never a sorry afterwards. They have a "condition" so I am just supposed to be understanding about the bruises they caused me, even after they have calmed down.

@mewkins no, nothing so dramatic/horrible as that. Last time I remember (a good few months back) I snapped & shouted at the 'bloody cooker'. I think that (to me) it feels obvious why I've lost my temper - it's usually a build up of difficult day at work plus lots to do at home plus kids/DH/whoever all asking me a million trivial questions at once whilst also asking where their dinner is etc etc - and the obvious answer is that I should not have lost my temper, so what else is there to talk about other than to move on and do better next time.

I do realise I'm probably wrong on this (or at least have only one side of the story) - DH obviously feels that the snap is more unreasonable and out of the blue.

My magic wish for myself is to be cool, calm and collected 100% of the time.