How do you know if you're well enough to go back to work ? (MH)

[AndMatt]

DH died in the summer. After a few weeks leave, I went back to work and seemed to be coping OK.

Lately I keep having blips and having a few days off (yes I have exposed before).

I spoke to my doctor a while back and he basically offered me a certificate for whatever I wanted, he didn't even try to suggest or find out what I need. I didn't take it because at that time I didn't feel a long period of time at home to brood would be good for me.

Lately though I am just finding work so stressful. It is a challenging job but "before" I was pretty good at it. It's as if now, just getting through the day takes all my strength and I can't cope with even small set backs at work.

At the end of my days off I felt much better and keen to get back, but I've just had a minor strop with DS1 (about housework the kind of row I "should" be having with DH) and feel broken again.

When I'm not working life is OK, even good in parts, but the prospect of going to work seems to undo all the improvement.

It's not that I don't like my job, I do, but it seems to be one thing too much for me now. It's one of those jobs that involves juggling lots of priorities and being pulled in different directions, which is something I used to thrive on, but now I can only deal with things that are very clear cut, one thing at a time. I can't handle people being difficult over little things at all and ingave a lot of that work.

I can't keep with this pattern of going back, lasting a week or two and then being off again, but I don't now how else to manage.

There's something happening tomorrow that I really do need to be there for but at the same time it's something that's highly likely to be too much for me.

I can't keep running away though and I do need a job.

I also seem to have lost the ability to think through any problems small or large. What do I do?

Have you tried to find some counselling? Either to talk or for CBT or similar to give you strategies to cope?
Approach work about flexible working or reduced responsibilities temporarily? Time off isn’t the only option, and for many people being alone at home isn’t the best option

Could a part time return be the answer? Maybe the routine of working two or three days a week could be helpful but would allow you more time to be at home too?

I'm not sure where "exposed" came from....posted before

I think the new Covid uncertainty hasn't help my change of mood from OK on Friday to I want to stay in bed forever today.

I was proud of myself on Friday because I'd made the effort to book some things and arrange some social things to look forward to, but now I feel like they could be cancelled, if they're not we'll have to wear masks (which I'm happy to do as needed, but does change social interactions to the point I'd often rather not bother) and will start wondering if I "should" go even if it's allowed. But I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

Have you approached your employer about a phased return? They can and should have referred you to OH. Alternatively could you afford a period of flexible working where you drop to 3 days for a year?

I had a phased return when I returned in Sept, although after the first week it was easing myself back by wfh about 50%, which at the time was fine. TBH I have been coming and going as I please anyway.

It's much harder now than it was then. Partly because it's only now starting to sink in and partly, I think, because of all the Christmas planning that's going on. Everyone's looking forward to family Christmases, understandably, but that's not quite how it is for us and it's really hard. I never realised how much Christmas is "everywhere".

I could probably look at flexible working but feel like I need some proper time away first. If I drop to 3 days now, I'll just end up trying to do the same job in 3 days. Actually I think they're unlikely to agree 3 days for anything more than very short term but they might go for 4

OP Christmas will be invariably awful, I speak with experience and am already having to block out the twinkly lights. It's such a cruel time when you're raw. It does get better, I promise, as you chart a new normal.

Talk to your employer. In these days they are likely to be far more empathetic than you think.

There are all sorts of options: parental leave, sabbatical. If you're good they'll want to keep you.

This is my second Christmas. We are getting there chez TSS. You will too.

Take up the doctor on the offer of a certificate for whatever - have a month off, all of December and get through this period. Then during that time have a think about how you can adapt your coping strategies, and perhaps how you can delegate or restructure things at work to get back on track.

Bereavement is hard. Grief is unpredictable. This pandemic makes it all so much more challenging. Don’t feel bad about needing to make things be different. It’s still early days for you.