Is anyone's kid a 'nerd'

[RoyKentsHairyBack]

Dd2 - v competitive, hates being wrong and pretty bright.

Dd1 informed me that her whole class dislike her (they are twins with overlapping friendship groups) and say she's a massive swot and know it all - they are yr 7.

Ideally I wouldn't give a shit but Dd2 has always struggled to settle socially and was really looking forward to secondary as a chance to meet her 'tribe'. Now I find out she's taken to sitting in the library by herself of a lunchtime and doesn't talk to many kids in class.

She does have one or two friends and I'm so proud of her for being herself. But I get sad for her when she gets bewildered at why she isn't more popular. Interestingly her sister says it's because she wants everyone to do things her way all the time and is inflexible. She's been like this for years and no matter of coaching or guidance seems to help.

No point to this btw, just a 'can't sleep' worry. I hate it when I can't just make things ok.

But it’s not because she is a nerd as you say. It’s because she is difficult to like, always wanting things her own way. I’m not sue what the answer is though if nothing helps with this.

You are right - I was just reading it back and it's not the swot/nerd thing is it. It's the lack of flexibility. She is genuinely a lovely kind girl. She's not at all selfish or mean or spiteful. She just doesnt flex.

Ironically her sister can be a right madam but fits in much better so is much more popular.

I should have stuck to hamsters! Much less worry.

My DD is exactly the same. She is autistic though and is having occupational and psychotherapy to give her the skills to work with others.

Is your DD self aware? Could you talk to her to give her some strategies to work with others a bit more flexibly?

It must be hard where one twin is struggling. Does her sister talk to her about it?

I think being an nerd (presuming that means being a bright button and into academics) is one thing but being very competitive and hating being wrong sounds like she might be difficult with her friends.

Could she maybe join a club of something like coding/chess/debate/quiz? You meet lots of more nerdy type kids in those often! And possibly you could have a chat with her about how she reacts if someone disagrees with her - you can’t be right all the time!

Her sister gets frustrated with her and they fight over it which is obviously not helpful. Dd2 has a perception that her sister 'steals' her friends so it's a bit fraught.

May suggest another after school club to her though, that's a good idea. She plays a team sport which does help a bit and gives her space from her sister.

I can't help but feel I failed her a bit telling her she should be her own person but actually if she'd have been less rigid she'd be happier

Are there any other signs that she may be autistic? It presents very differently in girls than boys.

I think it’s probably the inflexibility. You can be a nerd and take turns in playing the way you want. I wonder if there’s professional help out there to role play with her to help her be more flexible?

I don't think so particularly @Fadette.

I just looked up some bits on autism in girls and the only real boxes she ticks are the ones around wanting things done her way.

I suspect leant behaviours from dh to an extent - he's a terror for ever admitting he's wrong.

Have the two of them always shared a class? Do they have more time apart now in different lessons/clubs etc now that in secondary school? Being apart more and trying to make friends separately might be one solution, since they argue a lot and the perception (right or wrong) of 'friend stealing'. Comparison is the theif of joy as they say but with twins it's inevitable, especially if they spend too much time together with the same groups of people, and then at home the comparisons continue. It just happens and impossible to completely iradicate. Maybe she needs her own set of friends that are just hers.

Rigid thought and issues socially are 2 of the main areas for diagnosis for autism.

It is hugely underdiagnosed in bright nerdy girls.

You do say that she has struggled with rigidity of thought and had social issues "for years". She sounds like my child, wants to be friends with people but completely unaware of the things she does to annoy them, she is autistic though.

What you have described is typical of the presentation in girls. I would take her to the GP and ask for her to be referred for assessment. Although it can be hard to think about, if she does have developmental differences she needs the right support.

My DD has a friend who sounds similar, and can get quite frustrated that the friend is so inflexible, though DD is fairly laid back she does need to distance herself occasionally (which then causes the friend to act out, I could tell some stories!).

I've long suspected friend is autistic. Other signs too. Both girls bright and 'geeky' interests.

Coming at it from another perspective is how to discuss this sort of behaviour with my DD, ensure she's kind yet maintains her own boundaries within the friendship. I often think if I was able to say to my DD that her friend can't help it, it would help? I hope no one takes offence at that but I thought it may give you some insight OP?

To those who say it's not because your child is a swot or nerd, it absolutely can be. DD had tremendous bullying g problems In Secondary school. She was quiet and wanted to do well. But she was a loyal and fun friend to the few who ventured past the 'don't talk to her' brigade. DD's bullying was orchestrated by the next cleverest girl in the year who was jealous. The dynamic was plain to see.
So by all means help give your child the tools to make friends. But don't ignore the signs if it spills over into something g else.

Have you tried one of the online autism tests? They aren't a diagnosis but can give you a pretty good idea. psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient
She sounds like me and I'm diagnosed.

For my dd, a change to a selective school at Y7 helped a lot as there were just more girls with similar interests. She struggled over Covid (friendship drama galore, online) but now back at in person school, with lots of clubs to fill the break times with structured activity and some good pastoral support, she’s slowly forming some new friendships and building on some existing ones, and is happy and busy.

I think the early teen years are really hard for some kids, she will mature and she will find her tribe, but for some it’s more sixth form or university, and this period is more about survival while they learn to navigate the world. It’s hard but encourage her to work through it.

I think it’s worth getting her assessed. Simply because if it gets worse, or she gets very unhappy, you will need to call in extra help - even if she is not Asd, a child therapist could help her interpersonal skills should she get to the stage of needing help.

She sounds just like my DD, and she's autistic.

You are describing my DD, she's almost 9, bright, very competitive and pretty intransigent. It doesn't make friendships easy when she won't admit being wrong!

My DD was only diagnosed with autism at age 14. Mostly because of rigid behaviour triggering meltdowns. It's not an easy diagnostic pathway - 9 months of multiple assessments.

I think an assessment might be worthwhile op.

Multistorey its not qs straightforward as that. If you're autistic and something is correct in your mind it would be like "flexing " on 2 plus 2 = 6 or something similar and completely illogical.

Being competitive and being bright or a ‘nerd’ often go together as those traits often lead to academic success! Are they in sets yet? Some children definitely find it more difficult to find their people- there are less high achievers for a start. They generally do though, it just takes longer. In some schools being a ‘nerd’ is more acceptable than in others. Unfortunately I think she’s probably up against it with her sister too, and it’s making it harder for her. Is it a big school? Are they in classes together?

Sounds just like me as a kid and I was diagnosed autistic aged 40. Worth looking into seriously as growing up undiagnosed can have devastating effects on mental health