How would you get married in this situation?

[downtonshabbey]

NC'd for various reasons... apologies if it gets long!

I'm English, resident in Spain and with DP (who's Spanish) for 5 years.

For various reasons (studying, potential internships, a declining parent on his side) we're likely to need to spend time both in the UK, Spain, and maybe Sweden in the coming years.

So we're thinking about getting married –to ease the complications caused by Brexit and allow us to spend extended periods of time in both countries and me in Europe. (At the moment, unmarried, my situation means if I'm out of the country for more than 6 months at a time I lose my residency)

Having a proper wedding for this feels silly –but I know both sets of family would be a bit sad not to be invited to SOMETHING, and I'd be a little sad not to celebrate at all.

Here's the thing: his family are split between Spain and Sweden. My family are mostly in the UK, except for my mother, who I haven't seen in years and with whom I'm very low contact.

Some key members of his Swedish family can't travel due to illness, things with his Spanish family are pretty distant, and many of my closest friends still live in the UK with very young children, so understandably aren't traveling much at the moment but I know would love to be there with me if I were to take a step in my life like this.

I don't want a big fancy wedding –that wouldn't be my style under any circumstances, but especially given the 'practical' nature of this marriage. And yet I also don't want to just sign some papers and not have it feel special in any way; both for me and DP AND for people like my father, who I know would really love to celebrate something like this with his daughter.

Can anyone see a way to do this that isn't just us quietly doing the paperwork on our own, but won't cause too much chaos or difficulty trying to bring people together?

I'd do a quiet ceremony on our own but video it and send it round. Then follow up with a party with each bit of the family next time I see them. How big a party or how low key depends on how much everyone was up for it.

Agree with Spinach. I don't think you can expect people to travel abroad for a wedding esp atm when you're doing it for practical reasons

Paperwork in Spain.
Party or fancy dinner in Spain if you wish.
Party or fancy dinner in Sweden when you're next there.
Party in the UK when you're next there.
Get yourself a nice dress and wear it for all four occasions.

On a purely practical level a Spanish marriage certificate will be the most practical for when you need it for bureaucracy in Spain, to extend your visa or move to a different cTegory, without needing to get an official translation of a Swedish or English one.

I really would only marry him if you want to, not just for a free pass to Europe. Forever is a very long time.
And I’d have your wedding wherever you live, relatives can travel if they want.

Wedding just the 2 of you, and 3 receptions (one per country).

@GoodnightGrandma only get married if I want to... what, exactly?

If I want to be able to share my life with my partner in both our respective countries for extended periods of time?

Not be separated for months at a time while we pursue our respective careers and passions because of international legislation that's out of our hands?

If we want to be able to be physically present to support one another through the decline and eventual deaths of our loved ones?

'Free pass to Europe'.... please.

'Europe' isn't an Alton Towers ride - it's 75% of everything in my life –and the other 25% is my closest family and friends.

@SpinachIsAGatewayDrug @InTheLabyrinth a few little celebrations sounds like the way forward, you're right.

And @BaronessBomburst I like the idea of wearing the same dress for all of it –at least that's something to tie it all together.

I guess there's a little old-fashioned romantic part of me that was hoping to have all our people together in one place (it's not likely ever to happen at any other time), but you can't have it all!

Your posts are somewhat contradictory: because you feel you are getting married for "practical reasons" you don't want a big wedding then you've taken umbridge at Goodnight Grandma's post...when you've stressed it's for convenience/practicality.

Are you really saying you wish your partner were viewing marrying more romantically? You clearly regret that you aren't likely to have a big family wedding with everyone together.

But you know that you're not going to get everyone together if you invite them all to a wedding in one location so you'll need to compromise and find a solution that keeps most happy. Marrying in Spain and having parties in the UK and Sweden sounds like the best solution.

@WeAreTheHeroes, I was annoyed by the 'free pass to Europe' phrasing of Goodnight Grandma's post, like I'm using him for a holiday or something.

We're not parasites on one another, we're partners to one another. Yes, we're marrying primarily for practical reasons and also feel it would be nice for our families to be able to share in it.

It's both-and, not either-or.

As for Are you really saying you wish your partner were viewing marrying more romantically?, no, I haven't said that anywhere.

I had multiple wedding ceremonies for similar reasons. I also never wanted a single big wedding. Our most treasured wedding memory is the legal wedding, us in jeans and t shirts, no big hoopla. The magnitude of what we did wasn’t lost in arrangements and formalities.

I’d have your Spanish legal wedding, then YOU travel to all the people who are meaningful to you and take them out for dinner/lunch to celebrate with champagne. You can have as many and as few people as you want. I would have loved that.

Our most treasured wedding memory is the legal wedding, us in jeans and t shirts, no big hoopla. The magnitude of what we did wasn’t lost in arrangements and formalities

This is really lovely to read, @givethatbabyaname –thank you. Did you have witnesses for the ceremony? Was anyone from your family put out by it?

There is nothing wrong with getting married for practical reasons, friends did it, perfectly happy, 2 children and together a long time but a marriage certificate would save them tons of individual legal contracts.

I would marry in Spain for ease of paperwork, see if someone can attend and then go and visit and have a small party in the UK and Sweden.

Doing it in the UK will be the most expensive option.

Our witnesses were two couples, friends, who lived nearby and were free at the time. We took them out for lunch (which ended up being longer and boozier than any of us had anticipated!) afterwards.

It was thousands of miles away from my family, so no offence taken by them. They knew we had to do what needed to be done. It was about a hundred miles from my in laws, and they were upset. But they did see that it wouldn’t have been right for all of them to be present but none of my family.

Weddings can be fraught with tension as they have different meanings and importance to vested parties. It’s helpful to focus on what’s absolutely necessary and let the rest wash over you, good and bad really. It’s just a moment in time. Weddings themselves are mundane in the extreme, but it’s nice to mark a hopefully once-in-a-lifetime occasion somehow or another.

No one suggested either of you was a parasite on the other. What an odd thing to say.

Im getting married to my partner next year. We're just going to the register office with witnesses to legally marry, but then we've rented an airbnb and will have a party/get together weekend with friends and family. For those that can't make that we'll have a dinner/night out afterwards. Sounds like you'd struggle to get everyone in one place so maybe a few different celebrations will be an enjoyable way to do it!