Is anyone else just not coping with their child going to university?

[ItsDisneyBitch]

DS has gone to university. Im missing him so much. I didn’t think it would affect me this much.

Im a single mum. I have other children still at home.

I cry in bed most nights. I feel like I did when his father left me.

Please don’t judge me, please don’t call me hysterical. I speak to him on FaceTime maybe twice a week, I don’t want to be overbearing.

This weekend I’m putting up the tree. He usually builds it for me then I do the decorations with the other kids. He said you’ll have to build the tree by yourself this year. I got off the phone and blubbed like a baby.

When will this get easier?

How many weeks has it been?

Oh bless you. Does it help to try to think about it positively, in terms of all the exciting experiences he will be having?

Argh I'm with you, same feelings, it's hard

Only six weeks!

So sorry to hear this OP. It is hard. I am a divorced Mum and I felt very sad when my DD went to university - she is such a sunny, silly, fun friend to me and I missed her terribly. But at the same time I wanted her to be independent, free and live her best life. She has (with plenty of dramas and urgent Mum calls) lived that life and had her adventures.

Now 2.5 years on her brother has also gone to uni and I'm on my own during term time. I love them being home, I love to chat on the phone, but honestly - sometimes she drives me nuts. Not up out of bed till 1.30pm, leaves cups and plates around, clothes all over the floor.

I've got used to doing what I want, planning my own life, being busy and independent. Its a transition. We both have to learn to find our freedom, but don't be fooled they still need you and enjoy you. Just differently. you will be fine. But you need to do you too.

I was like this when my second left. He didn't go to Uni but got an apprenticeship. Moved into a house share 200 miles away, worked all day, studied all night.

It was a real shock as I'd expected a much easier transition.

We started a meditation group of friends. It may not be so easy with other children to look after, but it will get better.

No advice but I totally understand. Also a lone parent and dd1 is still only 11 but I already dread this day. If you're anything like me you've probably relied on your eldest so much over the years in a way I think those in couples maybe don't realise, even if it's just simple things like building the tree. All I can say is well done for raising a boy smart and independent enough to go off to uni all on your own and of course it will get easier with time, like all other life changes do.

My son went to full boarding school at 13. It was a year after I split up with my very long term husband.

My heart broke in pieces when he left. I thought I would never recover. I lost masses of weight, stayed in bed for days at a time. However, time healed and there became a new way that we lived and we both eventually got used to it.
You will too, I promise.❤️

I feel exactly like this. My poor dh doesn’t know what to do with me and is really hurt, he thinks I don’t want to spend time with him and feels like if I feel like this now (when we still have one other younger child still at home) how awful are things going to be when it’s just us?! It’s been really awful I’ve tried really hard to pull myself out of it but dd and I were so close and I really, really miss her. We’d go shopping together, out for lunch, chat on and off all day (especially because of covid she was around a lot more during sixth form etc). Ds is 9 and has autism and special needs and I love him to pieces of course I do but dd was like a ray of youthful sunshine in an otherwise stressful life and I am a bit broken.

I don’t tell her this of course. At all. Just how proud I am of her. I half expected her to be very homesick and want to come home but she’s taken to it all amazingly and is out clubbing very night and has loads of friends. We text most days but I feel so cut off from her life. She chose a house to rent with her new friends for next year today (currently in halls) and I feel upset again because it’s another sign she isn’t coming back. I don’t know what I’ll do if she decides to settle in her university town permanently- 300 miles away.

Sorry for my very self indulgent post. I just wanted to say I do understand and it absolutely sucks. No one is supportive when you say you’re struggling because everyone just says it’s normal and part of life but it really hurts and if you’re very close to your child it is a real wrench.

Yes it will get easier but it may take a year. Be happy for him living his life despite covid. Missing him is natural, give in to your grief. It is all good and part of a healthy life.

Yeah, I wasn't expecting to feel the way I did when my eldest went off to uni in October. Nobody tells you how awful it feels. I cried every day for weeks. Without wanting to sound like a drama queen it felt like a bereavement.

Thankfully I feel fine now. He's thriving and having an amazing time and I just feel happy and excited for him now.

I don’t like it either. I drove him up to where he is at university (about 200 miles away) on a Saturday in September, and drove back home on the Sunday. On Monday I was in shock that he was no longer at home.

He’s been home for reading week and is now coming home for Xmas and will be staying about 3 weeks so I try to think about that.

I have two dds still at home but one is 17 and the other 15 so it’s not like they are going to be be here for ages. I am also single so the future is looking a bit lonely if I am honest.

We have just one girl who is now in her 2nd year at a university 2 hours drive away.
I think I miss her more than DH, luckily we have a dog to take my mind off it.
She is living her best life. Her first year was miserable, she was in halls with hostile people and was bullied. She had COVID three times and got run over.
This year she is living in a hovel with 7 other people, has a job she loved and is moving in with her boyfriend next year.
I am so proud of how far she has come but still really miss her

@Mydogisagentleman

We have just one girl who is now in her 2nd year at a university 2 hours drive away. I think I miss her more than DH, luckily we have a dog to take my mind off it. She is living her best life. Her first year was miserable, she was in halls with hostile people and was bullied. She had COVID three times and got run over. This year she is living in a hovel with 7 other people, has a job she loved and is moving in with her boyfriend next year. I am so proud of how far she has come but still really miss her

Wow what an awful first year! 💐❤️

Oh bless you. I know exactly how you feel. DD1 away went to university this year and I was shocked at how upset I was. I was all smiles and jokes as we moved her into halls, but then cried on the drive home. I avoided going into her bedroom because it just looked too neat, too empty, too wrong. I felt very flat and grey inside. It wasn't just the thought that she wasn't coming home until Christmas, it was the thought that she would never really, properly ever come home ever again. It floored me.

We've always enjoyed a really good relationship, but these last few years it's just got better and better. We both have the same sense of humour, both interested in anything arty, like the same authors and films. She's just really good company. And I miss that.

DH didn't know what to do with me those first few weeks, he used to me always being very upbeat and blithe. In the end he took me away for a romantic weekend which helped

But it is getting better. We WhatsApp each other most days, just daft chatty stuff, and she's loving her new life. Seeing her so happy makes me really happy. I can even see the benefits to her being away as my laundry pile has halved!

My son left at the start of this year to do an apprenticeship (he lives on site). He came home quite often at first but now pops in about once a month. He’s not great at communicating his plans so sometimes I’m not even here when he comes back briefly!

It is a bit bleak at times (one child left at home now, divorced many years ago).

I was lucky in a way that he was away at times before (various trips then 3 months volunteering abroad). I think this made it less of a shock.

I feel for you, OP🤔 I haven't had experience of this, as my two went to local colleges after leaving school, so they were home most evenings.

From what I've heard from friends though, the portion of the year that their children are away at Uni, is actually quite small, with Reading Weeks, approx a month at home for Xmas Hols, and home for Summer Hols from June to end of September, as end of year exams happen quite early!

Best thing is to break it into chunks - as the year goes on you should find you'll see more of your son than you're expecting! xx

Oh I'm sorry op! He's your son, it's okay to kiss him!

Thank you. I’m glad I’m not alone. I just feel so sad. Three weeks and he will be back for a bit. I
Spoke to him this evening and he showed me his room it’s really messy. I don’t miss that but.

DS went off to uni this year. He's my eldest and I miss him so much. He's just facetimed and and is absolutely thriving. After a year studying at home in front of a screen I couldn't be happier for him, and indeed all his generation. Gone from weeks and weeks of lockdown at home to living independantly with complete strangers in an unfamiliar city.
Their resilience amazes me. Back for his birthday next weekend and I can't wait.

Perhaps think about this from a different perspective?

Feel proud that you’ve all raised children who are confident to go off into the world and forge their own independent lives 😊

I know exactly how you feel. I sat in my ds’s bedroom and cried most days at first. It felt like grief to me. I couldn’t imagine it getting easier and I worried about him too.
He’s now in his final year and it’s flown by. It got easier after a year I’d say. It did help that he was only an hour away though!

All my children went to universities 200-300 miles away but luckily it was staggered over a few years so it is only since September that I now literally have no children at home. They all came back for a year or so post grad so it kind of helped. When my youngest went back to Uni in September i literally sobbed round Sainsbury’s because it was the first time in 28 years I didn’t have a child at home!!
Am feeling ok now and chat to them on the phone a couple of days a week and Instagram.
I did used to go and visit and stay overnight at all their Uni cities which helped OP . Seeing where they live really helped.💐

Yes I felt huge grief too, when my first one to university (second time, i was more prepared for it, tho still hard). I wonder if this is also connecting you to the feelings of grief you had when your ex-partner left.

Be kind to yourself. It will get easier, but it will take time. Do the tree with your other children, maybe send your son an advent calendar, and imagine how nice it will be to have him home to see the tree.

I don't mind ds being at uni, it's only 10 weeks. However, he is very much out of sight out of mind, so I just get the odd message.

I think as a pp said it's the fact that you know they are never coming home properly again (well maybe not, I have a friend who's about 33 and she still live at home with both her grown up siblings - she did move out for a bit but broke up with the boyfriend concerned) and it's not as bad for those of you with daughters as they will probably remain close to you (in spirit if not geographically). Apparently any mum who wants to stay close to her son is a nightmare MIL...