Overwhelmed with everything

[hidinginmyscarf]

Not sure what to say really- kids, work, family, Christmas, a house move, relationship- everything that you can think of.

I'm stressed at work due to a new person starting, us no jelling then finding out that I'm being bad mouthed by them - so much so I've discovered that I'm allergic to the scent they wear and being too afraid to mention it to them as they've made me feel so awkward and on edge in a job that I loved. So uncomfortable that I've taken all my holidays on the days they are in leaving me nothing, then taking unpaid leave to avoid them - leaving me with little income to put aside for the move.

Adult DS having relationships issues and bouncing back and forth back home, and then being rude and difficult when they are at home.

Teenage DD being massively rude and difficult at home and trying to get to the bottom of that and why she is and resolve any issues because she's an absolute delight at school or at friends.

The house move I'm meant to be making is going backwards and forwards and not seeming to get anywhere and knowing it's going to drop in my lap right on top of Christmas.

My DP being massively supportive with everything but seeing that he's struggling with all the shit being lumped on me at the moment. Plus my DC being really rude to him and him putting up and shutting up all the time.
I can see he's reaching the point of saying it's too hard for him to deal with as he's being so hurt and leaving.

Then there are bills, Christmas and trying to be everything to everyone else. I'm struggling.

I'm so sorry I'm working late tonight because of a stressful work situation that I was called in for a dressing down by someone yesterday. Finding it really hard not to spiral and catastrophise.

Can you go run a bath, listen to a mindfulness podcast or something totally distracting (I am well stuck into the Chasing Charlie podcast) and get to bed early? Tomorrow is another day and everything feels brighter after a good night's sleep.

Just don't hit the booze. That makes everything 100% worse, anxiety wise.

(All of that was to myself as much as to you OP)

@Xiaoxiong thank you for responding. I'm sorry you're having a time of it too.

No drinking here tonight. I'm just feeling at an absolute loss. I can't seem to get a step further than I am. It's like 2 forwards and 3 back.

I just want a quiet, calm drama free life.

for you too.

God that sounds hard.

Have you told your DC to stop speaking to you like crap, or is that for another day? It's a converstion many of us have to have eventually.

I have - I get sorry - then a week later it happens again. Then sorry. Then fine for a week. Then sorry. And so on.

I've just had a text from DS - he's having a row with his girlfriend and apparently I haven't responded correctly and now he's cross with me over it.

I have spent years being peoples door mats and my kids are continuing it.

I just don't know how to make them stop treating me like this.

It's breaking my relationship as he's so upset seeing me being trodden on and he can't do anything to stop it. It brings so much stress to our lives as we're always talking about it and how I can deal with it.
On top of them being rude to him. I don't blame him for having enough.

I've been in a very similar place, and it's still simmering tbh.

May I ask, for whose benefit is the house move? Are you upsizing, downsizing? What's the advantage to you?

I benefit in the house move, finally buying we've been in rented - the house is too large as the eldest have moved out - but they seem to think they should have a room still - when they're not here.
It's a lot cheaper and will be mine.

So the house move is a positive thing - just frustrating added to the mix as well as clearing out years of kids detritus- no longer wanted or needed - but left to me to deal with.
If I leave it to them they'd keep everything or not even bother sorting.

I'm exhausted and dreading work tomorrow as I'll be with this new person.
Work actually used to be somewhere I enjoyed being, but I'm now considering leaving- which adds a whole new layer of stress in its self.

Don't leave your job. You need a plan. I love a good plan (or few).

Is your place of work big enough to have HR? Do you get on with a trusted senior person? I think you might benefit from having a private and informal chat while you think through your options. Stress it's confidential at this stage, and that you want positive solutions.

And get some sleep!

(I'll be around tomorrow. I've got a house full of crap belonging to adult DC too ... I'm looking up skip prices.)

It's the trying to be everything to everyone that's the problem. The over riding theme here is that everyone is walking all over you.

I'd start with DS. Tell him he's only welcome to stay if he can behave in a polite manner to others in the home and chip in with chores and bills. If he refuses, or agrees but doesn't do it, kick him out. It's not mean. You don't have to be walked all over. He can sofa surf or end his on/off relationship for good and move into is own place permanently. That's totally fair.

Take time to tell DP how much it means to you that he's helping with everything, that you're sorry for DC behaviour towards him and you're sorting it out because its unreasonable for him to have to accept it.

Speak to DD. Tell her that you're there for her I she has troubles but that no way does she get to go around being rude to everyone. It stops now and there's xyz consequences if she doesn't start being polite and helping with chores. Make sure you follow through on the consequences. If she's troubled, either see if you can farm that out to someone more qualified to help eg college counsellor? Or phone w helpline for some support yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Start looking for a new job. Anything. It's the easiest option so just crack on and do it.

Use your current workplace. Do they offer training? Ask for assertiveness training course. You need it, in general, not necessarily work related. Do they have any private healthcare counselling service etc you can refer yourself to?

Go see your pharmacist. Sort out allergy tables for work. If you still aren't coping, go see GP and ask to be screened for depression or anxiety, maybe they'll give you meds which will help you cope until you've moved house and got a new job. Then you can come off them when life's settled down.

I've just had a text from DS - he's having a row with his girlfriend and apparently I haven't responded correctly and now he's cross with me over it.

Try "Fuck off! How dare you speak to me like that! I'm not responsible for your relationship problems. You're X age, it's time for you to grow up."

Tell him at some point that he isn't getting a bedroom in the new house because he's moved out. If there's a guest room he can stay there (if polite and helpful with chores and pays bills) when he needs to, but he doesn't get to store any stuff there long term and it's not "his" room.

@EllieLucy thank you. I really really wish I had the gumption to say exactly that!!

But I have just booked myself onto an assertiveness and also a parenting of teenagers course.

I do tell my DP how grateful I am for all his support, which i truly am. It must be so frustrating for him. I am very lucky to have him.

I just wish I didn't feel so damned guilty all the time. It's like if I told my friends or family that I told DS to duck off for his behaviour - they would tell me how out of order I am. Because it's 'just kids' and 'you know how they are'.

But I do know it's my fault I've pussyfooted around for too long now! I need to grow a back bone.

If your house moving around Christmas, don't put up a tree or buy in lots of food. If money is tight buy token gifts for immediate family only and explain you're skint.

Get a book about assertiveness. Or Google.

Black bag DC stuff that you want rid. Take to the skip/charity shop but don't spend ages sorting it or cleaning it. Just do whatever is easiest. If you can quickly and easily bag up a load of similar stuff and know it's ok condition, take a photo of the pile and advertise on Facebook marketplace for £5 - £20 for the pile, pick whatever price you think it'll sell at quickly. That gets you some money towards utility bills. The more stuff you sell the easier moving will be too. Don't bother with the inane questions, just sell to someone who straight up asks when they can collect, then give them a day/time you was already planning on being home, so it's no bother to you if they don't turn up.

just wish I didn't feel so damned guilty all the time. It's like if I told my friends or family that I told DS to duck off for his behaviour - they would tell me how out of order I am. Because it's 'just kids' and 'you know how they are'.

1. Don't tell them

1. Get new friends

I'll bet almost everyone you're in contact with walks all over you and would dearly love for you to stay mousy. When you start to roar those types don't like it.

OP I have been where you are with children who seem to think it is OK to use mum as a whipping boy when things go wrong in their lives.

You have to draw a line when they are rude. Tell them until they start showing respect you don't want to speak to them at all.

You are the cement that holds the bricks together. You juggle a job and a home and all the rest of it. Being rude to mum comes easily and is a bad habit.
My children are still rude to me but I come down on them like a ton of bricks and have blanked them so they know when to behave these days and they apologise if they have spoken out of order.

As for the rest of it I can't help but when your children are rude and expect the family home to be there on tap, they need a wake up call which has to come from you.