Feeling so sad for my DD

[Sadsadsituation]

I think I need to vent/cry. Just feeling so sad for my DD. She is 20 and on Friday I'm going to drop her off at a supported living place. I fully recognise this might be the best thing that ever happens to her in some ways (it looks like they do some amazing work) , but feel I have failed her (and that my wider family have also, massively).

From a background perspective I come from a very broken home, I left at 16 and had DD when I was 17. Since then I've been in a stable marriage, my DH and I have provided a home that is loving, stable and predictable to the point of being boring as on reflection this is what I was missing as a child, growing up for me was chaotic with lots of different boyfriends, booze etc.

But it hasn't been enough, and I feel so sad. I can only hope and pray that it's the right thing to do in the knowledge that my wider family is a toxic influence on her and she needs to get away.

Why hasn't it been enough?

Is she moving because if your wider family?

It hasn't been enough because no matter what I've done I've always been battling against outside influences - my mum is a functioning alcoholic and has caused more damage than she will ever realise through things she has said/done. You can see the damage in me and my sisters, we are all dysfunctional in some way and that's filtering down another generation now despite trying to protect DD from it.

I don't really understand this,

Why does she have to go into supported living?

I should have made that bit clearer - she doesn't want to live here and we won't let her either due to her drinking and smoking weed. This has been heavily influenced by wider family (my mum gave her her first joint, age 14. Sisters all drink and one is a fairly heavy drug user) and she has definitely seen this as "the norm" despite me and DH never ever smoking and barely drinking. I've tried to set a good example and keep her away but failed. She has now fallen out with wider family and essentially has nowhere to go, and recognises she needs to change.

Why are you living in such a terrible environment?

Why did you allow them around her

Sorry OP, it sounds very hard.

I'm not sure why she is in supported living if she's 20 - is there a reason she can't have her own place / work? Is it a rehab type facility?

I hope she's able to find her way through this soon.

There are of course social elements to addiction and alcoholism, but there are also genetic factors. Even if she had never met this wider family, she may have ended up having a different reaction to other people without the genetic predisposition to alcohol and drug addiction and addictive behaviour. This is not your failure, it is just who she is. It is your job now to guide her through adulthood, and when she is ready hopefully to recover from drugs and alcohol which your other family have not managed. To always be a sober, sympathetic non judgemental guide to a more whole and happy life some day. That doesn't mean she needs to live with you, but always have your heart open to her even if your door is not.

It is a bit rehabby I guess yes, sort of a place for lost souls. I keep as far away from having any dealings with family as I can, DD however of her own volition has gravitated to them over the years I guess lured by the "fun times" which are not actually that fun and cause mental health issues and resentment. I guess because family wise they're all that there has been to offer that's all she's seen! As I've got older I've distanced myself more and more as I can see the damage on my mental wellbeing when there's lots of contact. I've told DD to run not walk.

I've never heard of supported living for a 20 year old who drinks and smokes weed. Does she have special needs, or a diagnosed mental health condition?

Yes she suffers from anxiety and depression (no doubt exacerbated by the weed and alcohol) but also has an autism diagnosis. The place she is going to can help with all sorts (a friend used to work there and said she'd seen some incredible results) and I'm hopeful it will change her life, just so upset its come to it

Well. Perhaps this is the start of her getting herself sorted and opening the door to a great future.

How long is the placement in this accommodation?

This is the opposite of failure as a parent, you have ensured she is accessing the best support at the perfect age for long term recovery. Well done OP

@NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy

This is the opposite of failure as a parent, you have ensured she is accessing the best support at the perfect age for long term recovery. Well done OP

I agree. You done you're very best by her, you can't protect children from every outside influence, unfortunately, and sometimes you need to let them go a bit to do bear by them.

@NinetyNineRedBalloonsGoBy

This is the opposite of failure as a parent, you have ensured she is accessing the best support at the perfect age for long term recovery. Well done OP

This, plus if dd will be in a good supported housing scheme the help & support could really benefit her, I worked in supported housing for nearly thirty years, myself & the staff were truly dedicated we did everything possible to try & enable clients make choices that could/did transform lives, please don’t feel guilty. Support you dd if she will let you at the unit far far better that she is accessing professional help with her issues in a safe space with staff who really will help/facilitate options/treatment for long term recovery. I wish you well💐

You’ve done the best for her and well done on not being drawn yourself into a cycle of drinking and drug abuse. You sound like a good mum. She will come back into your life in a big way I’m sure. She’s had stability from you