My little boy is 20mo, my first year of motherhood was ace, difficult at times of course especially the newborn stage, but I had little to no anxieties as such and was really totally getting into the swing of things and loving motherhood.
Then he joined nursery and started getting ill for the first time, prior to that he had just had a few minor colds. Since April we’ve had an onslaught of nursery illnesses. Ear infections, tonsillitis, chest infections, HFM, croup, sickness bugs. It has been relentless. Of course on top of that a few head bangs and general accidents that have needed medical advice.
It’s thrown me into some sort of late onset postpartum anxiety. I live in a near constant fear of something serious being wrong with either me or my little boy. When he’s well I constantly over analyse every part of his behaviour - is he walking right? has he fallen over a lot today - why? is he drinking too much? is he sleepier than usual? Etc. When he’s actually ill I worry there’s something seriously seriously wrong with him, when he had a sickness bug recently and he slept a lot I cried and cried, I stop eating and function on autopilot basically, I stop being able to enjoy anything, not even hot baths or showers or tv programmes, all I think about is him.
It’s basically taken over my life. I’d say I worry 80% of my waking hours, I worry so much when he’s not with me as I think whoever he’s with (grandparents/nursery) will miss something is wrong with him and think that when he is with me it’ll be okay as I’ll be able watch him closely, but when he is with me I feel totally anxious and almost sick every time he does something I class as not totally 100% himself.
I’m driving myself to distraction. I’ve lost weight and I’m ill myself (I catch every illness he brings home especially since my anxiety got worse). What I don’t understand is how I could’ve been so rational and so reasonable for 12 full months for me to now be this. I so want to be the mum I was 12 months ago, but I can’t see to shake this horrendous anxiety off.
I have booked to see a private therapist next month. Has anyone been through similar and had any success from therapy? I’m at my wits end.