Mull this over with me please

[ToAskOrNot]

Name changed so this isn’t connected to my other posts.

Although I was never married to my Ex I will refer to his mum as MIL for ease on this thread.

Ex has been absent from DC lives for over 4 years. They don’t want to see him. The one time they did see him accidentally they were very upset, insisted on leaving immediately, MIL & family witnessed it all and were all very upset. When we visit her now she ensures ex will not be there. MIL is now terminally ill. Ex has other children with another woman he is no longer with. My DC have never met their siblings. And there are other grandchildren via MIL’s daughters. I know it would mean a great deal to MIL to be able to have all her grandchildren together even once, they’ve never been all together. I’ve been considering contacting SIL (MILs daughter) and asking if we should arrange a day to get all the children together so that MIL can see them all and have some photos of them together and with her. I briefly knew the mother of my children’s siblings (before they were born) and I know she is still in contact with MIL in much the same way I am- I think she would be okay with this. The only issue is that if ex were to be there my children would get upset and leave, which would be awful for everyone. I would have to ask that SIL ensure he agreed not to come. But this feels like an unreasonable request, it’s his mother’s home. As much as I would love to make this happen for her, I don’t want to cause bad feeling by making that request.

What do you think? Is it worth asking or should I just forget about the whole thing? My DC definitely won’t go if there is any chance he will be there.

I'd ask and take it from there
It's a lovely thought

Totally do it, if SIL is in agreement.

MIL is willing to make sure her son isn't there when her grandchildren visit, so it's not you being unreasonable.

You're a kind hearted soul ❤
I think you should ask, see if SIL is willing to arrange it.

Given Gran is unwell I think I'd arrange it as a short 1 hr visit and time for photos. The children won't really know what to say to each other or depending on ages could just start acting daft with someone to play with. So 1hr / 90 mins at a push.

If it works well you could do it again. But it would be lovely for them to have a photo altogether with Granny.

Thank you everyone. I thought I’d be told be try firmly I couldn’t ask this of them.

It would be a short visit, not least because of MILs health. Just enough so they could have some lovely photos and hugs.

Personally I think I’d be introducing the siblings before they meet for photo’s.

I would do this.

Do your dc know about their siblings?

@GoodnightGrandma

Personally I think I’d be introducing the siblings before they meet for photo’s.

There is a large age gap between them, mine are teens and the siblings are very small and I’m not sure would have any concept of my DC being their siblings. One definitely wouldn’t as they are pre verbal. My DC, as sad as it sounds, aren’t interested in a relationship with them right now, there was a huge amount of trauma caused by ex and I think they feel it would be too much to see his other children in the context of a sibling meet. They would be fine with a “all the cousins” meeting. Who knows though, maybe this will start that ball rolling for further contact.

@Santaischeckinglists

Do your dc know about their siblings?

Oh yes they do, I’ve kept them up to date with anything MiL has told me about them and we get them Christmas presents.

I think if you don't ask you'll always wonder about it and wish you had (and think it would have been wonderful later on), so I think ask but with the expectation that it might not happen and that's ok too. It's a lovely gesture, so ask but don't take it to heart if it doesn't happen for whatever reason.

Yes you’re right, I would regret never asking.