DH always late home from work, would this annoy you?

[RobertaFlack]

DH is always late home from work. We have a 14 month old. We have an agreement that he should be home at 7 and then we can eat together. Every day without fail he’ll be about 30 minutes late meaning I start the meal without him, or I try and wait with a hungry toddler. He never tells messages to say he’ll be late. Would this annoy you?

If I lived with someone who told me what time to be home from work I would leave.

Really? Wow.

Anyway, I’m hardly dictating to my husband. This is something we have agreed so he can see his son before he goes to bed.

Kick him out of the house half an hour earlier? Or he picks a couple of night where he works as late as he needs. He also needs an alarm on his phone to tell him he has 20mins left before he has to leave.

"This is something we have agreed"
Agreed or demanded? Why do so many people think it's to give an adult a time to be home ☹

Okay ignoring the weirdo who thinks it's weird to have a set eating time with your partner.

Yes, this would piss me off.

Actually, DH and I had a "make or break" conversation the other week and I cited this type of behaviour as one of the reasons I felt so disrespected.

Since then, he either gets home at an expected tone (between say 5.30 and 6) or he at least texts me to let me know.

After All, there are 3 other humans in this house and I also work full time.

This one act has now slipped into other areas - e.g. telling me as soon as he knows he'll be away, instead of the night before, him doing more of the chores at home, without me asking or saying they need doing etc. Etc. It's funny isn't it, once one area of disprect is highlighted, if they truly care, they can suddenly see other areas?

You need to have another conversation, and discuss a plan that works.

(If it helps,DH has a job that is high pressure and he's management, so it can be done if they prioritise right.)

My late Husband was always always late home, from work, and so were some of his colleagues, His type of job necessitated this. it didn't bother me at all, as I got organised with all things at home. as in having two small childrens things,and doing meals etc. You just have to work around things,instead of getting annoyed,

It's fairly clear he's not in a rush home too see his baby.
That said I tend to eat earlier in the evening and dh reheats his Dinner as I can't stand waiting around.

@RobertaFlack

I'm on mat leave now but when I was at work I'd always end up leaving a bit later than finishing time - finishing off the doc I was working on, saying bye to colleagues etc etc.

I think this is sort of what goes on. DH doesn’t have a fixed finishing time per se. (For background he works 15 minutes away). Rather than noticing it’s 6pm and starting to wind things down, so let’s say he can leave work at 6.45, he is always just finishing off a report/email at half past seven, or having a word with a colleague about something.

He might have agreed in principle to be home at that time, but he obviously doesn't regard it as important enough to actually knuckle down and do it.

I don't understand why he doesn't manage his time better to stick to his hours? Perpetually late finishing work would annoy me.

Michelle Obama talked about this in her book. In the end she told Barack 'Dinner is at x time. If you're home you can eat with us, if not we' ll eat without you.'

If it worked for Mrs Obama, I'd give it a try!

Maybe he could start work an hour earlier in the morning so he could finish on time.

Anyway he will need to improve his timekeeping once you go back to work and your child goes to childcare. A nursery or childminder will not tolerate him being late every day.

So think of it as a chance for him to learn some new time management skills .

anyway he will need to improve his timekeeping once you go back to work and your child goes to childcare. A nursery or childminder will not tolerate him being late every day.

That’s the thing. I am back at work and we have a nanny, I have to finish my work at a fixed time, then cook dinner, then we’re waiting for Daddy to come home.

To respond to others points, I don’t think it is a question of my husband needing to stay late (he’s not a surgeon and he has to finish the operation). He has a poor internal gauge for time and he doesn’t work backwards logically. He is often late for a lot of things.

Ps agree with the idea of dinner being at a fixed time

He’s sniffing around mournfully from about 6pm looking for tidbits

🤣 Brilliant!

I couldn't get annoyed about this, he's working to provide for his family and by what you're saying I'm assuming he shares the load at home? I'd be cross if he was down the pub with mates, but not working.

I wouldn't be impressed, it shows a clear lack of respect for your home life together and shows his real priority (if you and child were it, he would be home on time and given you an update if he was going to be late).

If someone shows who they are or what you are worth to them, believe them.

I would be discussing his priorities.

@RobertaFlack

anyway he will need to improve his timekeeping once you go back to work and your child goes to childcare. A nursery or childminder will not tolerate him being late every day.

That’s the thing. I am back at work and we have a nanny, I have to finish my work at a fixed time, then cook dinner, then we’re waiting for Daddy to come home.

To respond to others points, I don’t think it is a question of my husband needing to stay late (he’s not a surgeon and he has to finish the operation). He has a poor internal gauge for time and he doesn’t work backwards logically. He is often late for a lot of things.

So you have to finish at a set time to get home so nanny can leave ? Yes, I can see why it suits him to hang about at work and let you deal with making dinner and dealing with a tired child.

One solution would be for him to start earlier each morning and then it’s his job to come home to let the nanny away. Or split the days so that he does this on certain days and you do it other days .

Maybe once he’s had a few weeks of hanging around waiting for for YOU come home he will understand the issue. Many men seem to respond only to actions and not words.

Or to put it another way - they don’t care when it’s your problem. So you need to make it their problem.

I used to be married to a man who was always late for things. It took me years to work out that he was only late for things he didn’t care about or things he actually wanted to miss ( like being home to deal with witching hour ).

Funnily enough he was on time for every single thing that mattered to him.

Don’t be a slow learner like me 😬

Funnily enough he was on time for every single thing that mattered to him.

^ good point!

He doesn't want to come home on time because its easier to be at work than dealing with a toddler and household chores. Personally, I'd be insisting that oe day a week he is home to relieve the nanny and cook dinner.

Yes, it would annoy me.

'Work' is not a get out of jail free card. He's managing his time badly and choosing to prioritise having a leisurely, sociable wind-down to his working day, over you and his child.

Does he manage to get to work on time? Get to work meetings on time? Get to events and activities he really cares about on time?

The thing is, many of us can switch between 'letting time flow away from us' and 'sticking to a timetable' modes. The latter is more effortful but usually necessary in working life.

I have a male colleague who stays at work after everyone else most nights. We all leave at 5.30 so there is no culture of overtime. He also has the longest commute (about an hour) and has 2 very young DC. We all suspect that he is avoiding having to go home and relieve his wife who is soon to return to work after maternity leave. He has even told someone else in the office that it was her that wanted the children, not him. We also hear about how his wife is struggling to cope with the 2 children alone. Plus she earns more than him (yes, he's an oversharer).

We all judge him massively!

Could he be under pressure at work to do more? Just seems odd it is always half an hour late. My dh is often late but because of train running late which makes him miss connecting train where he has to change trains, or occasionally train cancelled then has to wait for next one. I don't take much notice tbh. I would feed toddler on time then eat later with DH.

If he's always half an hour late why don't you just give the toddler a snack and eat at 19:30?

If he's always half an hour late he's not really late is he - that's the time he gets home. That's his routine.

Is he ever rlate to arrive at work or for meetings?

Often these habitually late people can actually show up on time - if they seem it important to them. Which demonstrates how high up you and your son are in his priorities.

I'd amigo back and ask him to choose 3 nights a week he can guarantee he will be in by 7pm, and what steps he will put in place to achieve it.