Diagnosing ADHD in women?

[RobertClementHughes]

I think I may have the inattentive type. But am scared about going to the Dr as to all intents and purposes on the outside I have never struggled.

But my ability to grind my shit and focus has always been utterly awful, and the amount of energy it takes me to accomplish what others seem to do so bloody easily has got to breaking point.

I'm 45- where do I start?

I dont have any advice on professional diagnosis, but can I ask when did if start for you? Or when did you feel there was an issue?

I ask because recently I have also felt how you describe. I look at my to do list and dont know where / how to start? Like now, I'm looking at the Livingroom and cant see the floor for toys, I'd spent an hour today whilst the children were napping tidying, now looking, I don't know where to start.

For me, this started when my 3rd was born. My days consist of constantly tidying or being screamed at by the children and the constant-ness of it makes me feel like my brain doesn't work as it used to.

My friend told me it is because a woman's brain is 'rewired' during pregnancy?

I wonder if ADHD is a development for women after pregnancy? We loose the ability to 'mask' it?

I contacted my GP and said I was wondering about this. She emailed me the referral so I could fill it in rather than her going through it with me. It felt very exposing, confessing to all my most shameful character traits. But she was very kind and just forwarded it onto the assessment team. However, I’ve been told to expect a 2 year wait….

Daisydolly1986
I have become increasingly conscious of my own struggles over the past 5 or 6 years (my DS is 11). Maybe it is connected with dashing around being a full-time working single parent. Or maybe it is connected with repeated episodes of depression (or vice versa). Or maybe my smartphone addiction has simply rotted my brain. However, when I think back to my school years, I can see a lot of difficulties I worked hard to mask, and strategies I have used over the years to keep my head above water.

place marking and watching this thread with interest, sorry I've no advice to give but I am like this too. I'm mid 40s now and used to be super organised and tidy, kept on top of things and felt I could cope. now my house is a complete mess I honestly do not know where to start I'd have to clean up before I could clean up! if you get what I mean. I am forgetful and scatty brained, leave everything until the last minute, cannot focus on anything even watching a film or tv I find impossible as my mind is wondering elsewhere. I've been like this for 5/6 years now. infact I've never been able to focus my mind to watch a film often wondered if I have some form of ADD or ADHD. x

I have always struggled with personal organisation but have learned strategies to deal with it. Which normally involves estimating how much time I will need for a task based on "normal" people and then tripling it to cope with distractions, (this is how I got through school and uni- my estimations are always hopelessly wrong though) and knowing that having a busy family weekend (i.e. all of them) will need three evenings of absolutely nothing in it to feel human again, because my stress levels will peak dealing with lots of time driven demands or things crammed into a short space of time. Mondays and Tuesdays at work are so hard because I feel absolutely frazzled. Nothing particularly demanding of my weekends either, just regular kids sports clubs etc.

I suppose the issue is that I have been dealing with these things for so long and seemingly coping that it is only recently I have twigged that other people do not need these strategies.

Work is particularly demanding at the moment too and I'm being asked to deliver stuff which means scheduling specific activities for much of the day to be able to achieve my targets, and without more white space on my calendar to act as a buffer I'm not performing up to par. This means that I feel pressurised all the time, in work and out, and I'm close to tipping point I think. The thing is my employers really aren't expecting the moon on a stick- my colleagues are managing fine.

But I am not, I can't focus properly and whilst I am brilliant at coming up with ideas the delivery of them is letting me down.

With DS1 and ASD, I took him to the GP armed with a mind map of all his quirks. When I started working on that, lots of links began to form and lots of little traits through his life came to mind and built up a big picture.

He has a diagnosis of dyspraxia and I suspect that I know exactly where that came from... that had crossed my mind for a long time. But reading up more about neuro-diversity, when I come across descriptions of inattentive ADHD in women, I wonder how the author knows me so intimately.

I always was a day dreamer. I was an early enthusiastic reader always buried in a book, now replaced by my phone, but it's the same trait. I answered questions at school like Hermione Granger, and did written work like Ron Weasley. I struggled with transition points on courses but caught up in the end. End of course assessment when you have the big picture suited me. I got hyper-focused on revision. I've always needed a quiet transition before I get out of the car (if I'm not running late). I estimate time badly. I procrastinate like hell (I remember wishing back at school that I could freeze time so I could fit everything in). The one time I planned my lessons ahead rather than with in 24 hours, it was a disaster as it had left my head! I survived secondary school by lugging a heavy bag containing everything every day. I live in an open plan filing system mess; out of sight, out of mind. The hundreds of micro-decisions and distractions in tidying is overwhelming (I'm fine with actual cleaning) and my kind of process to get anything done drives logical DH mad.

I think the extra organisational gear of motherhood does expose a lot of traits and exceed existing coping strategies, especially if children are neuro-diverse and traits do tend to follow in families. I know why organising DS1 is hard... DS2 is suspicuously like me though... he's the child that managed to miss the school photo while in the room it happened in... I'm the one who set fire to the desk while thinking I must really concentrate and be good...

I'm not sure how useful diagnosis would be at this point. The main benefit would be understanding why I so often feel like a car with a flat battery... all ready to start the journey, turn the ignition and all you get is a whimper and a shudder. A trip to the GP is a thing I can procrastinate on for years...

My DS has ADHD (inattentive) and we've gone private for him since moving from overseas as the wait here is so long. We use a company called ADHD 360 and I think they work with adults as well. It's about £900 or thereabouts for the assessment and treatment plan.

Haha "he's the child that managed to miss the school photo while in the room it happened in..."

This has reminded the time I missed a train I had arrived early to catch. It came and went without me noticing because I was engrossed in my book. The joys of hyperfocus

I spoke to a locum at me doctors surgery and she referred me to one of those private places online that do NHS referrals, it probably 'helped' that I rambled over her because I couldn't hear her talking to me because of the background noise I think my appointment is in January and I had some forms to fill in and to ask others to fill in.

I realised earlier this year when a colleague suggested that I look into it for my eldest. I was reading through the way it often presents in young girls and thinking "that was me, that was me, that was me..." so I looked at adult women too and realised that I have adhd too. It's been a revelation to be honest, the more I learn about it the more makes sense from my childhood and the way I am, it's been life affirming to have that knowledge.

There is a thing online that I see occasionally that is a quote of somebody saying something like "I was in my 20s when I realised that when a friend said that they were feeling lazy, that they meant that they could do it but couldn't be bothered, not that they physically couldn't bring themselves to do it." and that really rings a bell with me!

Thank you @BogRollBOGOF
I can totally relate to pretty much all you have written. Have shown it to dh who doesn't understand , and I find it too hard to find the words to explain, so I have borrowed yours, hope you don't mind, thank you!!

@BogRollBOGOF is what you have described not normal ? If not maybe i should be looking into it too...and i have a family member that is adhd and they keep telling me to keep an eye on one of my children

OMG I have found my people! I've been told to investigate my daughter for ADHD - blooming obvious where she gets it from.

@BogRollBOGOF
I always was a day dreamer. I was an early enthusiastic reader always buried in a book, now replaced by my phone, but it's the same trait. I answered questions at school like Hermione Granger, and did written work like Ron Weasley.

This is the best description of me when I was young and now describes my daughter, my Head of Department said he couldn't understand why I could debate really well against him (way better than most in the room) but my essays were pants.

For reference I manage large projects, am very organised because I have to be. I can't rely on memory or just getting it done like others. No one understands how much it takes.

Watching with interest about how to help my wee one.

Omg are you me?
I am lying on my sofa repeatedly scrolling
I have so much to do but can't even
I am also struggling with ?depression ? Overweight? Menopause ? All of the above
And wonder if it is adhd

I have been diagnosed with combined type ADHD (both privately and through the NHS - long story!) and if you are seeking diagnosis, start thinking about how your difficulties have impacted your life. I was warned "traits don't get a diagnosis, impact does", i.e. it can only be considered a disorder if it's making your life significantly worse in several areas. Have a look at the DSM-5 diagnostic criteria.

For example, I spoke about the fact that I have a really short attention span and quickly get bored in a job - that is a trait. The impact is that I've consistently got in trouble with bosses for chatting, not finishing complex or boring tasks, being caught on the internet during the work day, etc and I've had 10 jobs in the last 15 years.

The signs were all there for me since childhood but they need solid examples to meet each of the 9 criteria in either column of the DSM-5 so get them all down on paper and it's less likely you will be fobbed off.

I am currently taking a course on ADHD and there is something called adult-onset ADHD. It's when people with no previous signs or symptoms start displaying them. Obviously it is more complicated than that, but I had never heard of it and find it quite fascinating.
Unfortunately in the UK, it can take years to get a diagnosis. If you can afford to go private, it might be worth it.

@amusedbush
This is very helpful thank you!

I am in my 60s and have only recently realised, within the last year, that I'm not a dreadful person! Everything PPs are describing is me!

I'm not sure if getting a diagnosis, at my age, would help but it's nice to know I'm not alone with the chaos going on in my head!

@RobertClementHughes

I have always struggled with personal organisation but have learned strategies to deal with it. Which normally involves estimating how much time I will need for a task based on "normal" people and then tripling it to cope with distractions, (this is how I got through school and uni- my estimations are always hopelessly wrong though) and knowing that having a busy family weekend (i.e. all of them) will need three evenings of absolutely nothing in it to feel human again, because my stress levels will peak dealing with lots of time driven demands or things crammed into a short space of time. Mondays and Tuesdays at work are so hard because I feel absolutely frazzled. Nothing particularly demanding of my weekends either, just regular kids sports clubs etc.

I suppose the issue is that I have been dealing with these things for so long and seemingly coping that it is only recently I have twigged that other people do not need these strategies.

Work is particularly demanding at the moment too and I'm being asked to deliver stuff which means scheduling specific activities for much of the day to be able to achieve my targets, and without more white space on my calendar to act as a buffer I'm not performing up to par. This means that I feel pressurised all the time, in work and out, and I'm close to tipping point I think. The thing is my employers really aren't expecting the moon on a stick- my colleagues are managing fine.

But I am not, I can't focus properly and whilst I am brilliant at coming up with ideas the delivery of them is letting me down.

Me too. What you've written mirrors my life to a tee.
I've always assumed I have adhd. I was even hyperactive when young but it's more the attention problems. I struggle in work and have to work much harder to get to the same levels as others. I have thought about applying for diagnosis and am fairly certain I would it, I just haven't got round to it.
For me, I would question what a difference a diagnosis would make? Like you, I have established strategies to cope and whilst not perfect, most of the time I cope. I get a bit of piss taking at times but I can 99%shrug it off.

I would say, go for applying for diagnosis though if only so you know ! (And perhaps I will take my own advice too)

I can't tell you how amazing it is to read this thread

This has made me feel emotional. It's prompted me to book a private assessment. I always feel like Im winging being an adult I feel like I don't actually know what I'm doing. I have a professional career but holding on by the skin of my teeth. The only thing I feel I'm good at is parenting but then my oldest daughter always says "are you on standby again mum" this makes me feel awful! So thanks for the thread.

Sorry to hear that there are a few of us struggling with this. @Karatema the bit you mention about feeling you're a terrible person- I so understand this! I feel so guilty about not being able to do x y or z with ease like all my colleagues/friends/family, I feel like there is something broken in me/perhaps I am just lazy after all when I know that inside I am not.

And @rainbowdashsneeze YES- the feeling of winging it with everything and just holding on to a thin veneer of being an adult- I really recognise this too. And have always felt this way, it's not a new thing. I know I have got away with a lot in the past because I am excellent with people and verbal communication/forging relationships is my absolute strength, so people can see that it's all going on under the surface and my intentions and intellect are good. But the delivery of them always, always lets me down.

Example- I have a couple of groups of close friends and there are secret santa gift exchanges each year. These people mean so much to me but actually organising myself to choose a gift, buy the gift, wrap the gift, post the gift has never, ever happened on time and this year I have opted out because I am ashamed of myself as a friend. I can't even get this right for people I love and respect :(

@amusedbush (love your user name!) the DSM5 Diagnostic Criteria for ADHD is incredibly helpful, thank you. I ticked every single one of the inattentive criteria and can provide examples of exactly how this impacts me so now I need to push myself to get to my GP to discuss with her. A diagnosis would help me in a couple of ways I think, I wouldn't feel so rubbish about myself if I knew that actually there was a reason for my inability to do easy stuff easily (else why would it be called easy!) and also to see if there is any medication I can try which would help me focus.

I can't go on like this, I am worried that my children will prefer living with my exhusband in the future. I have three and the eldest has already made this choice as our home is too haphazard for him- all the stuff they need gets done, it's not like they miss out on opportunities because of my lack of organisation or that their needs aren't being met and it is far from chaos but he has a personality a million miles away from mine- he is a lot more ordered and needs that in his home too. I can't blame him. I want that . We get on like a house on fire and our relationship is great other than the fact he has chosen to live with his dad instead and this breaks my heart.