What makes a really good Christmas host?

[Christmassy833]

We’re hosting Christmas this year. The last time we hosted, I didn’t enjoy it - I was tired, had spent the whole morning in front of the oven, the conversation was falling a bit flat. It just didn’t quite work somehow. (DH thinks I’m remembering it wrong and it was fine.) Last time, the group consisted of DH and I, our DC, and DH’s parents - one of whom has dementia. Our DC played in their bedroom with their Christmas toys and didn’t interact with their grandparents at all!

We are hosting a lot more people this year. Over half the group (including myself) won’t be drinking. How can I make it a really fun and lovely day for everyone?

Apart from delicious food, what makes a good host?

And what makes a really lovely Christmas?!

See I don't think you should feel the need to entertain, it is really up to all the adults to make conversation. You're busy enough as the one cooking and making drinks. Keep it relaxed, low-key.

Also there's nothing wrong with peace and quiet if people want to chill out, watch tv, read or whatever.

Choosing a good combination of people to invite

Keeping things simple

No forced jollity.

What makes a good host is difficult to define I think because for however many people you have sat round the table on the day you’ll have the same number of opinions on the subject.

It’s probably easier to start with what is a terrible host/ what makes an awful Christmas and work inwards from the two extremes to a balance of what is right for you.

In my opinion what would be awful is a host who has put so much pressure on themselves to make everything perfect and ‘magical’ [eye-roll] that you hardly ever see them, and when you do they are a sweaty, frazzled, snappy mess, with that sort of forced manic stare of ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELVES? YES? YES?
At the other end of the spectrum is someone who has done sweet fuck all. Greets you at the door in their pyjamas, not wrapped the presents, turkey still in the freezer, house a total shit pit etc etc

I think you also need to be honest with yourself that you will not make it perfect for everyone. People seem to lose all sense of perspective and a grip on normal behaviour and manners at Christmas. I’ve been on mumsnet long enough now to have read just about every sort of incredulous and shocking behaviour (from posters and relatives-of alike) to realise that people justify almost any sort of scenario ‘because it’s Christmas’. At any other time of year this sort of shenanigans would be greeted with the contempt it deserves, but in December it feels like a 31 day long scene from Fight Club, but with horrible jumpers and baileys.
What I’m getting at is I suppose is decide yourself where your middle ground of what the perfect day is, which will involve a whole lot of compromise, and then stick to it. Don’t turn yourself inside out to hit everyone’s Christmas sweet spot, you’ll turn yourself into the aforementioned beetroot-faced shrill mess if you do.

An unstressed host is the best. Hours in front of the oven is grim and not fun for you or guests. I get lots prepared in advance so I'm not stuck in the kitchen and cuts lots of corners - frozen veg, ready made yorkshires and gravy. Potatoes made the day before. Table laid the night before. Then it's just a case of getting the meat cooked and heating everything else. If conversation is a bit strained put on a Christmas movie. Most people are happiest just slumped in front of the TV

We often bring out a game of some sort after dinner, something easy you can talk through.

Keeping drinks going or point people in the right place to help themselves to drinks makes a good host. As does having some nibbles out to snack on, often Christmas lunch is delayed if the turkey isn’t cooked through or you end up eating at a different time than usual meals and hungry guests is never good.
Having some good family types games can help with a lull in the day. Or even a jigsaw everyone can pitch in with once the dinner table is cleared.

Do as much as you can ahead so you're not stressed on the day. Don't fret about whether the food etc is perfect. You can also get away without having everything piping hot so long as the gravy is hot.

Go with the flow and don't try to create a "perfect" day. Your DC playing in their room is an example- this is fine.

If you have a spare table, put something like a Christmassy jigsaw out so that people can sit and have a quiet few minutes (I read this in a Mary Berry article about Christmas and it really is a good tip. You'll be amazed how keen people are to do a jigsaw for a few minutes when they see it.)

If possible, some time outdoors always helps.

I do a lot of prep before the day, we don't eat until 4 so I can spend time with the children without rushing. Everyone mucks in to clear up , I fill big ice buckets with wine, fizz , beers and tonic , dish of sliced lemons and just tell everyone to help themselves.

There was an epic live thread one year about a pp who was a guest - 'lunch' was about ten hours late, everyone got stinking drunk because they were starving, and she ended up begging a visiting baby for his chocolate selection pack. Will try to find it.

Don't drink too much especially your DH

Couldn't find the epic thread bit it was very funny. My tips would be:

Drinks/bar area with plenty of snacks so guests don't feel shy about helping themselves.
Seating arrangements - ideally both comfy and enabling everyone to be included in the conversation. Not just around the table but in the living room as well.
Jigsaw upthread is a lovely idea.
If there are kids, then a separate room reserved for toys etc where they can go feral. It's not excluding them; they'll have a glorious time.

First off are you a planner or a "go with the flow" person? I'm the former so I need a plan or I'm more stressed! And secondly, delegate - honestly you're the host not the slave find a couple of trusted people who can help.

So for me, in advance I'd plan
Music in background - loud enough to fill gaps, but not so loud people need to shout.
Drinks table/trolley - mix of alcohol and nice non-alcoholic drinks (splash out on some of latter especially if so many aren't drinking)
What happens after dinner - game, movie, sitting round chatting? Decide before and get it organised so there's no "oh I don't mind, no you choose, I don't know what would you like to do"

Most importantly make DH 100% in charge of these three things - be really clear on this point, he finds Spotify lists, organises and tops up drinks plus extras like ice and lemons etc and on the day makes sure it's all flowing.

Cooking
Simplify - pick a starter and dessert that needs minimal prep or forgo starter and just do nibbles as aperitif then the table is just set for mains
Main course what can you do in advance - can anyone join or help? Someone you like, trust and are happy to have in the kitchen? If not DH is also responsible for keeping folk out of your way

Clearing up - everyone dives in - unless you're obsessive about your dishwasher stacking, then everyone clears, scraps and rinses and you stack.

Dressing - layers, layers, layers. Personally I feel stressed when I'm hot, I get hot when I'm stressed 🥵

Kids in their room, no big deal. Depending on age and what you do post dinner ask them to stay for a bit then they can head off. Grandparent with dementia can someone help out keeping an eye on them?

And if you're not a planner, ignore all of that and go with the flow!

You must have music on in the background.

You need to make sure that everyone can sit somewhere not at the table. And also that when they sit down they aren’t in a big circle expected to talk as a group, but instead can break into little groups to chat.

low level music in background, quiz, pictionary etc team games just to get people relaxed. Self service booze is a good idea

@JesusInTheCabbageVan ahh I'd love to read that thread! My friends parents once got invited to a dinner party at 7pm. There was still no sign of the husband. He ran in at half past nine with carrier bags full of food after getting caught up at work, then proceeded to start making homemade soup and filliting whole fish! they were all wankered!

I agree if there are small children going to put away or up high any glass or special tree ornaments as I was always on edge when my kids went to go and look at my aunt's beautifully decorated tree, as I was so scared they'd break something! Also the same with any new presents your kids have got that they want to keep to themselves like Lego sets or craft stuff (and you don't want to be clearing up paint and glitter etc if you're running behind.) Nibbles beforehand, drinks out to help themselves, as much prep before as you can, maybe a quiz after dinner.
A lot of people will offer to help tidy up I presume, let them help. It's so much quicker! Even if they wanted to make the tea and coffees etc.

These are such great ideas! I especially love the drinks trolley!

DH is a good host, but he isn’t a planner. I like to plan!

I think the last time we hosted it was disappointing as - when we have friends round - it always flows and is fun, whereas Christmas felt so flat.

Definitely going to do these tips (well, make DH do them!). The drinks and snacks cart, puzzle table, music playlist, a game possibly or movie possibility too!

Thank you! Keep em coming!

No tips but following for some more as I’m also hosting this year and it’s always very festive when my siblings host and I feel like mine is the less organised, Aldi version of their Waitrose Xmas! Have just ordered in some extra Xmas lights to string about the kitchen and dining room to make it feel festive, making lots of lists and finding my online recipes so that I can make sure I have everything ready in advance, and can get started on things like cranberry sauce or Xmas cake which can be made now and put aside until then.

@RaisedByPangolins if I were hosting id definitely decant ready bought cranberry sauce into a bowl or ramekin. It's one thing off your list and nobody is going to say 'this cranberry sauce is disgusting '. Who's going to be at your house, including kids, if there are any kids attending? I never do a starter because no-one ever eats the pudding! We still have last year's Xmas pud but my dad's bought another. I think you've got this, put your lights up, make it cosy with the lights and candles or tea-lights in any jar. I really like Tanya Ramsey lemon drizzle cake recipe, either for later on Xmas day or boxing day but I add more lemon. Is there anything else your worried about? Is it all of your in law's coming?

Don't charge your guests for eating at your house

It sounds like there is a variety of ages. I’d have an optional walk at some point during the day as a good way of giving everyone a bit of space, rest for the older people and then something new to talk about once the walkers return

I think the key thing is not to see yourself and not let them see you as the host. In our family, Christmas happens to take place at ours because we love most centrally and have enough space. Yes, DH cooks the main meal but we expect everyone else to muck in and lay the table, empty the dishwasher, not just help themselves to tea/coffee/alcohol but offer it around. It's perhaps a bit different as everyone will have arrived by lunchtime on 24th (and some on 23rd) and stay until 27th so DH and I would be run ragged if we had to do everything.
If conversation feels a bit flat, I tend to ask people something like what was their most magical present as a child or a Christmas meal that went wrong or a present they lost one year ... the sort of thing which happens to everyone. I will always remember my grandmother telling us about the knitted doll and clothes she received in the 1920s, my MIL telling us about the velvet dress she wore in the 1950s and some Christmas show she was in which went pear shaped. Also my surprise - and then gratitude - at discovering the shiny red bike I had when I was 8 was actually a second hand pile of rust which my dad had spent hours repairing as I really wanted a red bike and there was no way they could have afforded to go & buy one.
Also, with a guest with dementia it is never going to be an easy day.

@RampantIvy

Don't charge your guests for eating at your house

Brill!

Have enough guests that they can entertain themselves whilst you are cooking. Plenty of drinks/snacks set out that they can help themselves to. Relaxed atmosphere, no strict rules. Plenty of food and let guests serve themselves.