How to not try and 'rescue' this little child or over step the boundaries.

[Perrinexhales]

I have an extended family member who has taken on some siblings ( they are closely related to her) They would have all been taken in to care and split up because of the age differences. She is doing an amazing job but there is a lot of them so she is doing her best. The kids parents are complete fuck ups/drug addicts/domestic violence to each other and the kids.

One of the kids is very close in age to one of my dc and they get on great so I have started allowing step overs. They are under 10. I think they have metal alcohol syndrome and the have learning difficulties.

They are so lovely and sweet and are very very good at blending in the back ground so you forget half the time they are even here. They sit very close to me on the couch or touching me such as tapping my hand whilst watching tv, feet touching mine if they are sat near me they are not like a guest in this house, they act as if they live here - but very polite and well behaved.

I read to my youngest every night and tonight the child asked me to read them a story as they were going to bed with my older dc - so I did. Then they asked for a cuddle - so I gave them one. And it was a really long cuddle that they didn't pull away from for ages, they really snuggled in - like the ones I give my kids. it choked me up tbh.

I have a really strong urge to pull them in to my family but logistically it wouldn't work and I am scared I will end up letting them down as I feel that they are seeing me as a 'mummy' figure. When I pick them up, in the car driving back to mine they are literally arranging their next visit. Which is fine as they are no trouble at all but there will be times coming up they won't be able to stay, as we were discussing something tonight and I could actually see them trying to work out when we would be back and how long we would be away.

I also want to start to learn them how to read and write as they can't at the moment but again I feel like I am over stepping boundaries

I dont know what to do for the best tbh.

Foetal alcohol syndrome**

You have to take onboard that what may be sweet and loving behaviour now could turn when they reach puberty as things from their past cause changes in their attitude and mental health.

Welcoming regular play dates is lovely but anything more than that would have to be very carefully considered by you and your whole family as well as taking onboard Social Services who probably will be heavily involved and monitoring you. That is another factor to consider.

I think you’re doing a great job just being there for this child. I think you should carry on supporting and encouraging this child. the child obviously feels safe and secure with you and trusts you. It seems like you have built a strong bond. Communicate with the child let the child know you’re their to support and encourage them but remind them they have their home and family unit. Work with the sibling that is raising the child I’m sure they would appreciate you supporting and encouraging the child to read and help build up their confidence. As long as you are working in partnership and on the same page and the child knows your are there just as an extension of support they will become empowered, build up better resilient and thrive.

Oh the poor little mite

I got choked up just reading that.

I can see how hard this is. My instinct would be the same. I would want to mother them. And in an ideal world all would be rosy.

But I know in reality there are so many pitfalls. I fear that the more you give the more the little mite might begin to expect....and then they will be hurt / angry if you fall short of their expectations and could lash out. And that's no good for anybody, especially not them.

I don't know the answer. All I can suggest is keep doing what you are doing but with very clear boundaries (although how you do that, I don't know).

Other than that I guess keep in close contact with your family member, make sure she knows the situation, and try to also encourage their relationship as much as you can.

Oh the poor little soul. Thank you for caring about them XxX

Where to start? That's massive.

But, you can also do an awful lot of good just by being such a caring, loving and reliable adult in their life. It's a huge, huge jump from them loving their visits to them even considering moving away from their siblings and living with you.

Look at the positives you are bringing

Be able to show they are loved, you care for them, are reliable and are respectful towards them

They will at some likely point test you (not purposely) don’t be pushed away

What you are doing is wonderful don’t forget that. It’s ok to form an attachment that fees parental they are needing this and you care for them

All children need a village of loving adults around them. Sometimes we don't notice that we're being that village, sometimes the child's need is so obvious that we do and then we worry we're not doing it right.

I think you need to cut yourself - and the DC - some slack. Be clear and upfront about when they can and cannot visit, as you're doing. As long as you're consistent, they will be fine and will understand. So if they usually come weekly but what you're saying in the OP is that for some reason you can't do next week, that's fine - just commit clearly to the next visit.

Maybe buy them a calendar for Christmas - that way they can mark a visit on the calendar and look forward to it.

Good advice. Be a kind and loving and consistent “aunt” figure in their lives which may be easier to maintain long-term than a more intense mummy figure. Support the person who is officially parenting them - that was great advice from a pp. Offer to help with all the research and many patient homework and reading sessions that will be required to improve their reading.
The child won’t need so many cuddles when they are a teen - they will need something more steady and long-term so keep that in mind.

Some relatives of mine provide respite care for 2 siblings with additional needs who were adopted by close friends. They have slightly older children of their own who are fully on board with it. They have the siblings for a weekend once a month and sometimes in school holidays. It's all official and they receive training and support from social services. They have a kind of aunt/uncle relationship with these youngsters and it gives the parents a much needed break but everyone knows where they stand and its all monitored by social services. Like the child you mention OP, these youngsters had a very difficult start in life. It hasn't all been plain sailing, but my relatives have had good support.
I wonder whether it us worth you exploring something similar? Putting it on an official footing might help you avoid some of the issues that you are quite correctly concerned about.
I hope things work out. Well done for being willing to help, and to your family member for taking on the children's care.

How old is the child if they can’t read and write?

I would say (as you’ve said the relative caring for them is going a good job) try to be aware that you’re only getting a tiny piece of this child and not the daily reality. Maybe they can’t read and write yet because they’re working on other things.