Being Indian

[aniluap1]

Me and husband have been married 3 half years. We purchased our home 9months of being married in the same town of his parents who live 3 min away and his sisters!
I moved house from my parents to live with him and moved jobs.
Coming from an Indian house hold, he wanted live by his parents who are in their 70s so we did. We would go round every day after work as he was so unsettled of moving. 3 years on when ttc I do not want fo go round and spend my Friday nights and weekend evenings round his parents. I am struggling to talk to him about it and how recently found out we have unexplained infertility and have been given the go ahead for ivf. Am I being unreasonable to not want to go round to his parents? Am I being unfair? It is now just expected and when I don't go round it's all raised eyebrows. Husband is so oblivious about and when I say want to out Friday night- I get the response I told mom and dad we going round.

This isn't being Indian is it?

It’s quite normal in many South Asian families to live in each other’s pockets

It’s quite suffocating at times

This seems quite extreme though

I don't understand what you're asking. Your husband wants to see his elderly parents once a week? And that coincides with a day you want to go out and ttc?

Could you do things separately?

He goes to see his mum and dad, you go out with your friends?

I agree that going round every day and spending Friday nights in the same place can be suffocating. He needs to cut the apron strings.

@Pan2

This isn't being Indian is it?

Its completely usual in south asian families.

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Could you do things separately?

He goes to see his mum and dad, you go out with your friends?

I agree that going round every day and spending Friday nights in the same place can be suffocating. He needs to cut the apron strings.

I don't want to start that because then would be the norm. I just do not want to go round to his parents house after work for 3/4 hours every single night. I do not to just sit and be on my phone because I do not like the programmes they enjoy watching. I am trying to compromise but I also need think of me too. I understand it 'normal in south Asian families'. However, we have moved out and live 3 min away so no it is not normal for us to round all the time, if we lived In the same house that would be different. They married their kids and been married over 50 years. So my point is they have had their time and I want to have ours. Is that so unreasonable?

Of course it's unreasonable to want your own life and your own space.

I thought that if you start doing something about it now, bit by bit, it would be easier than having one big change.

Can you start by going home after work under the pretext of cooking something that needs longer?

But of course you should not have to do that, you should be trying to find excuses for spending time on your own with your husband. he has to be on the same page with you.

I don't know what the solution is, but I wish you luck in finding it.

should not be trying sorry!

@aniluap1

Me and husband have been married 3 half years. We purchased our home 9months of being married in the same town of his parents who live 3 min away and his sisters! I moved house from my parents to live with him and moved jobs. Coming from an Indian house hold, he wanted live by his parents who are in their 70s so we did. We would go round every day after work as he was so unsettled of moving. 3 years on when ttc I do not want fo go round and spend my Friday nights and weekend evenings round his parents. I am struggling to talk to him about it and how recently found out we have unexplained infertility and have been given the go ahead for ivf. Am I being unreasonable to not want to go round to his parents? Am I being unfair? It is now just expected and when I don't go round it's all raised eyebrows. Husband is so oblivious about and when I say want to out Friday night- I get the response I told mom and dad we going round.

He also has a brother who lives 3 hours away. The family dynamic is such that my husband feels he 'has to look' after them and not share the responsibility with his other siblings. My point is that 3 kids out of 4 live within 5 min and my husband has moved out and want to go round every evening after work. What is point in paying for mortgage or trying to build a home. 3 years on and now this is norm and if I say I don't want to go it's changed attitudes!

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

should not be trying sorry!

Thank you xx

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Of course it's unreasonable to want your own life and your own space.

I thought that if you start doing something about it now, bit by bit, it would be easier than having one big change.

Can you start by going home after work under the pretext of cooking something that needs longer?

But of course you should not have to do that, you should be trying to find excuses for spending time on your own with your husband. he has to be on the same page with you.

I don't know what the solution is, but I wish you luck in finding it.

Thank you xx Sometime you need to hear thoughts of others that your not mad x

Oh dear! Sorry, what I meant is of course it's not unreasonable.

My typing is all over the place this morning. Sorry!

Take out the fact he is Indian heritage for a moment.

This is about compromise.

Youre TTC...so what will happen when baby comes? And as child grows up? You'll ALL go round every evening?

My parents in their early 70s don't need any care....do they need care? Or is it just socialising?

Whatever his family customs, he needs to compromise.

Have you tried to negotiate and reach a compromise?

This isn’t normal, even for south Asian households. You have a DH problem. Have you explained to him how you feel and what you can both do to compromise? It’s not all about him in a relationship. So not have babies with this man yet- your ILs will take over your kids lives and you’ll lose your mother autonomy. I feel for you as this is really crap. Set your own boundaries and be strict about it