Loss of a sibling as an adult

[MrsPear]

My mother has unexpectedly lost her sister after a short illness. They were not estranged / they had a holiday together only the month before. They were part of each other’s lives especially since their parents deaths.
She is upset at her sister’s husbands behaviour since but she is not sure if she should be. So I’m asking for her - if you lost a sibling in adult hood were you included in the funeral? Were you mentioned at the funeral? Were you sat at the front as family or put at the back with the acquaintances?
There is no mention of mum or her parents - it’s like my aunt only came to be after she married. To be honest even I’m feeling awkward about attending. Should we even be there let alone go to the wake?

Of course you/ she should be there, and sat behind/ next to the husband etc. I've not been to a funeral where that has not been the case, also mentioned in the eulogy.

I'm so sorry to your mum for her loss. Her feelings are valid.

Siblings are usually at the front in my experience. Could it be that bil is showing his true colours / might have a new woman already & is so reducing contact with you all?

I haven't lost a sibling but when my mum died then my uncle was at the front with us all. He was mentioned in the eulogy and we had all spoken on the phone a few times before the funeral especially my dad and him as my uncle was an important part of her life.

Your poor mum

No mention of mum, parents or us in the eulogy.
No mention in order of service. No pictures of her parents or my mum.
Mum just wanted to say a few words not a long emotional speech just a few words.
She wanted to travel with her sister on her final journey to the crematorium and asked if it was possible and it was no.
Just sit at the back.
I don’t understand. I don’t know what to say to mum. My aunt and uncle were 2 peas in a pod. We are all in shock. No one is retirement age. One minute well the next not here.

At any of my parents, aunts or uncles funerals (large family and they are all getting older now so we have had a lot of funerals over the last decade) their spouse, children, grandchildren were seen as immediate family. Everyone else was extended family and friends.

Only immediate family would be in the funeral cars, shown to the front rows or mentioned in the order of service. Everyone else would then fill in behind. Friends should be sensitive enough to leave a couple of rows behind free for extended family.

The only person who can answer your questions is your uncle. Your uncle may still be in shock and was unable to cope with anything beyond basic arrangements for the funeral and not thinking straight if it was sudden death. Give him some time.

Sorry for you loss.

Thank you @Seemssounfair see this I can understand but he has included his siblings. I suppose that is why we are so lost. A dignified silence is probably required for now. I’m still in two minds over the wake. At least he allowed mum to say goodbye: which was bloody awful.

My mum died a couple of years ago. She was only 57. Her brother (her only sibling) didn't have a close relationship with myself and my siblings, or with my mum's husband, but he did have a close relationship with my mum. We included him in decisions about the order of service, wake venue, etc and he came to the meeting with the priest before the funeral. He also travelled in the funeral cars (along with his wife and kids too), sat at the front in the church and came to the private (immediate family only) burial after the church service. I don't think it would have been right to exclude her brother as he was an important person in her life and obviously he knew her for many years before her husband and children came along.

OP I really feel for your mum. This situation must be very hard for her on top of losing her sister so suddenly too If I was your mum, I would be careful not to cause an argument at this time, but I would definitely only attend the funeral and not the wake.

Thanks @OVO1410 see that’s what I would have hoped for with mum. Seriously I don’t get on with mum half the time - it just silly personality clashes - but mu heart breaks for her. She has lost both parents and her only sibling much too soon. She doesn’t want be centre just an acknowledgment.

Also @OVO1410 I’m sorry you lost your mum