quitting work for health and wellbeing so why am I so judged?

[purpleheart12]

Hi,
I’m new on here and I really need some support from fellow mum’s.
I’m a mum to two lovely boys. I struggled with ill health all my life, had lots of time off school and in and out of hospital all the time, I had to change jobs frequently as I kept getting so sick all the time (this caused me anxiety and depression) Last year I became very ill and got diagnosed with hypothyroidism, arthritis and depression. I also have anxiety. We decided that for me own health and wellbeing that its time I stopped working. My husband is so supportive and constantly reassures me every day that he’s happy for me to stay home for good now and be a housewife and deep down it’s what I’ve always wanted to do as I found working with my conditions very hard and detrimental to my mental health. I felt happy for the first time in my life until some family members said these horrible things; that my husband will resent me and will probably end up leaving me and what will I do then?; That they know lots of people with thyroid disease and anxiety who work so why can’t I, I’m being lazy and making my husband’s life harder oh and my kids will never respect me. Needless to say I didn’t sleep last night and have spent all day crying my eyes out terrified of the future. I don’t claim disability benefit because I believe there are people who need the money more than I do. We are not rich but we aren’t poor either just comfortable. Yes my husband works hard but he said he would have to anyway

My husband has been so kind and defended me. He said that I can always volunteer if I want to to give me something for me.

I guess what I'm saying is have I got anything to be ashamed about? Has anyone remained a housewife after your kids have left school or left home? Did it affect your relationship in anyway?

I would to hear from fellow mum’s. Thank you for listening to me.

Your family members sound like dicks, tbh. I'm sorry you're going through all that.

Simple answer: No

Do what works for you and your immediate family. Nothing else, no one else gets to judge, sneer or pass any comment that has any validity in your life.

As an aside, if you qualify for disability support please take it. It doesn’t deprive anyone of anything but a) gives you a small income that you are entitled to and b) helps with NI credits towards your pension.

Your life. Only you know if you are being fair to your DH. No one else.

It is a huge burden for one person to carry but if he is genuinely happy that's all who matter.

As for disability benefits (my professional area of expertise) you not claiming disability has no bearing on others entitlement. That's not how it works. You won't get anything for hypothyroidism. Arthritis will qualify for mobility if if you are unable to walk, or virtually unable to walk. Anxiety will qualify you for mobility if you are unable to follow simple directions.

You will qualify for the care component of personal Independence payment, if your arthritis or anxiety, prohibits you from performing certain day-to-day tasks related to your personal care such as cooking a meal, bathing, toileting, socialising etc

If this is you, OP, then you should apply.

Ofcourse you haven’t.

I’d practice some responses. Something like

“None of your fecking business”

“Isn’t it amazing we people aren’t all the same”

“That’s a horrible thing to say did you mean to be so rude ?”

“It’s our choice and has nothing to do with you”

Or simply

“Fuck off”

Why can't people mind their own business. It's hard looking after young kids and working as well, let alone with serious health problems.

It’s absolutely no one else’s business. It’s very clear you’ve suffered a lot in your life and held on for as long as possible. You and your dh have jointly decided this is the best option for your family. I agree with @Mercedes519 about checking your entitlement with regards to NI contributions but other than that if I were in your shoes I’d be making the same decision you have. I know it’s hard as these comments hurt a lot but it really is their problem not yours. You’re doing this for your family, the others have no say in this. I hope you start to feel better and enjoy your new life.

Jeez with relatives like these who needs enemies? I'd be distancing myself from these horrible people.
I was a sahm until my youngest was in y1. I did feel judged by certain people that I had that extra year to myself. It was also a bit lonely because all my friends were at work.
However, you should absolutely do what's best for yourself and your nuclear family. Also don't feel you need to do voluntary work either.

Decisions that you and your husband make together are none of anyone else’s business. Only you and he know your financial situation and whether he is able to cope with being the sole earner.

What steps are you taking to address your anxiety?

I’ve been a sahm since my 11 year old was born and I’m just looking at returning to work now that my youngest is 5. It’s not all been easy and now I’m returning to work I feel like I’m starting out from scratch. However, it was definitely the right decision for our family and I wouldn’t ever change that. Unfortunately many people believe they’re qualified to make ridiculous statements about the life choices of others. I’ve been told that I’m lazy ( I’ve barely had time to p for the last 11 years 😂) I’m an insult to feminism. My Husband’s brother repeatedly told him to “send your wife out to work” which made me feel a bit like livestock if I’m honest! I was once told that my children would never develop a work ethic. All a load of b frankly. You will get those comments, it comes with the territory! Ultimately though it’s your life and if it works for you and your family then what on earth does it have to do with anyone else ! Tell them to * off, or at least think it!

That's awful how they have spoken to you.

Being a Mother at home is a full time job in itself so if you are suffering from ill health then it's more than enough.

Your children will not disrespect you, your husband if he is a decent human will not either. Your health will be better.

It is just such a terrible deal for all society and especially children when both parents have to work due to the cost of living - and to deal with ill health on top is just too much. We must blame economic forces and the decisions of our Governments over the past 40 years.

Anyhow tell them you don't want to hear their thoughts about this again and to never be so rude!

l personally think alot of it is jealousy, as some people would never have that choice. Stick to you guns and do whats best for your familys needs.
My Mum never went out to work once she had children, her choice, yet my Dad thought the absolute world of her, she was the love of his life and my childhood homelife was very calm, l never saw her stressed or anxious, she loved being at home, and sometimes as a lone parent myself trying to keep up and do it all, l do kind of envy the smooth ride she had.

If you are entitled to disability you should get it. Some really wise answers above.

I read an interesting quote the other day

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

Your husband sounds lovely though

Your husband is happy for you to stay at home, he was probably worried sick about you when you were so unhappy at work - and it's nobody else's business! I agree with pps that you should claim the disability benefit though, it doesn't stop other people getting it and you may need it in the future if you can manage without now.

I was in exactly this position except the decision was taken out of my hands as my work didn't renew my contract due to the amount of time I'd had off due to ill health. I spent 3 years at home, then slowly started volunteering. When I managed that I added in part time study with open University. After that I started my own business. Now I own a business, work the hours that suit me and bring in more money than I did when I was employed!

Did I feel judged? Hell yes! DH and I heard everything from family and people we thought were friends. So many people said I was 'lucky' to be able to give up work - er 'lucky to have a chronic illness, be in pain, have to give up things I loved' I don't think so! In the end you just have to ignore them - they're idiots and don't know the reality of what you've been through.

Good luck. You're brave taking that decision to put your health first. It felt awful when it hapoened to me but it was the best thing I ever did! Hope it's the same for you.

Remember this, if people are judging you it means it is you with all the power to decide. Not them. They are just complaining about it, really.

You have made your decision. Stand by it. You can change your mind if you decide to, too.

It’s entirely a decision for you and your DH and absolutely none of anyone else’s business! There is nothing for you to feel ashamed about.

You're dealing with a lot I hope your health improves. I'm sorry you've had those rude comments. It's different circumstances to yours I know, but I had similar comments too. I always wanted to be SAHM and I was overjoyed when my DD was born when I was 40. I wanted to make the most of her and be with her all day. Luckily, I had savings and my OH was earning enough to pay the bills without me going out to work. He was perfectly happy with me being at home. Unfortunately, my SiL made my life miserable by constantly harping on about why I didn't go back to work, what I was going to do all day etc. She was almost angry that I chose to be at home with my own child! As other posters have said it is no one else's business and they are downright rude to comment on it. Try not to let them get to you, you are doing the right thing for your self and your family.

You are doing the right thing absolutely. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks so long as it suits your household. You have a wonderful supportive husband, something which is obviously lacking in their household.

I would expect that either they're bitter that they have no choice but to work or they enjoy belittling you and feeling superior. Neither or those sorts of people are ones that you need in your life. Take a big step back would be my advice.

Thank you all so much. I am feeling much better about this all now and I know it's the right choice for my physical and mental health.