Stress, peri or midlife crisis?

[LizLemonsGlasses]

I'm realising that I've been feeling 'off' for at least the past six months and it's really starting to wear me down - I feel like most days I'm in my head, overthinking, analysing my feelings, having to very consciously motivate myself to work (although often failing at this) or plan things, or do anything other than the usual mundane daily routine. Nothing feels very easy anymore.

I know there are others in a far worse position in terms of life circumstances or mental health, but I just need to post on here to get it out somewhere and find out if anyone has advice, or just feels the same. I feel like I'm always on MN complaining at the moment or looking for answers, but tbh I don't feel like there's anyone in RL I can or want to confide in at the moment. Don't have any really close friends and I need someone independent of family to talk to.

For background: pretty stressed/busy at work throughout the pandemic, plus our business went through a takeover so there's been a lot of change/low morale. I'd been feeling undervalued and like I'd outgrown my role there anyway so have been job hunting and managed to find a new role which I'll start mid-December. Working notice period now and it's a struggle.

Also in the middle of that we lost FIL to Covid at the start of this year, so family stuff has been sad/tough/laced with grief all throughout the year.

My mood has been up and down throughout all of this: I've gone from sadness and stressed out to being strong and practical for DH and MIL, to a state I would describe almost as dissociation - I lived in a bit of a fantasy state for a few weeks, daydreaming constantly and actually felt quite good, carefree - but then this all crashed down in the spring and I had a spell of feeling weepy and unusually anxious for 2-3 weeks. I've improved since then but my default mode at the moment is a fairly persistent low mood. I feel flat, irritable, just can't really find the joy in much these days. I probably worry more about more things but don't have the kind of anxiety that affects my daily life, I don't think so anyway. Is it anxiety if you have a really busy mind, it feels like it's constantly turning over things at the moment? Or does that just come with being a woman in mid life?

I feel frustrated because I'm doing all the right things - eating well, regular exercise, I sleep pretty well and I'm in the process of changing my job - but I can't seem to shake off this negativity. I'm especially worried that it's affecting my relationship with DH. I should be the one helping him at the moment, but I feel withdrawn and we're not communicating well. I feel really annoyed by him a lot of the time - the classic thing of hating the way he chews his breakfast, that sort of thing. We should be pulling together here and helping each other but I feel very distant from him and suspect he feels the same, but will never raise the conversation.

I'm wondering if this is to do with age/hormones - I'm 44 next month and have had some cycle length irregularities in the past year, but no skipped periods or anything that dramatic. Just these struggles with my mind and emotions and evaluating my life choices... I suppose I could be perimenopausal, but how can you tell if it's that or just stress, burnout or mid life?? Good grief, now I just sound overly melodramatic but this is all that goes through my head atm!

I've considered the GP but I suspect all blood tests they could do will be clear and they won't have any answers... I guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself and lonely in dealing with this internally but also trying to be 'normal' on the outside.

Thanks if you've read what's turned out to be a long post - any advice or solidarity will be gratefully received, but if not then at least it's been good for me to simply articulate this feeling.

Hi, this really resonates with me. I’m in exactly the same state of mind. I have been to the drs but my bloods aren’t definitive enough for menopausal help and I’m still 39 so no help there. My mum was post menopausal by 44 so I suspect it is all hormone related.

I have the same apathy interspersed with wild mood swings you described. I recently took myself to therapy but in reality it only helps if I go there whilst I’m in a swing.

I’ve found I’ve done things very out of character which has caused lots of anxiety.

I suspect it’s hormones and an age thing, we are mid life ish, is this as good as it gets??

Sorry for being depressing 😱

Solidarity coming your way though!
X

I had similar feelings in perimenopause. HRT really helped. But also it was just time of life - a lot of stuff with aged parents, job, husband's job all happened a the same time. I lost my bounce and ability to go with the flow and just couldn't bounce back from stuff.

I suspect I was a bit depressed - but for me sorting out hormones helped as it was primarily that.

It might be worth talking to your GP just generally about how you are feeling. It might be low iron, B12 - or just life.

Oh yes Op
I am very similar position
Struggling with deadlines
Constantly scrolling on here

I could have written this myself.

Solidarity, even if I can’t help with the answers.

This resonates with me too! I have to say you've been through a lot so it's not surprising you're feeling quite flat. I've had exactly the same feelings as you but don't really have any problems in my life (in fact everything's pretty good, if I'm honest). I'm 46 and I'm sure all my feelings are related to the perimenopause. My cycle is irregular and I just feel different - "off" is a good way to put it. Like you, things don't feel easy like they used to. I feel more sensitive, more anxious. I dwell on things too much. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I am rather miserable. As a PP said I've lost my bounce. I do all the right things too but exercise makes me feel worn out (whereas before I'd feel invigorated). I still exercise though because I know I'd feel worse without it. I'm not always down! I still have plenty of very happy times, laughter and fun etc. It's just that I've noticed this shift in the past couple of years. I've had all my bloods done and they're perfect. If things get really bad I'll go to the doctor but at the moment I'm just plodding on. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I wanted to say I understand. Sending you love and strength.

I feel very similar. I’m 44.

Also lost FIL this year.

I had blood tests recently and showed my Vit D was low and my iron was on the low side although not officially low.

I’ve added supplements and feel slightly better but still not like me.

I have this feeling of ‘is this it’ I don’t feel excited about anything anymore and can’t be assed to do anything which isn’t like me at all.

Aah, so I'm definitely not alone then! Went off for lunch and came back to discover all of you sharing similar feelings - thanks for much for posting!

@Rainbows89 we sound very similar indeed. I'm considering supplements but have never taken them before, don't know if I believe they'll do much good. 'Is this it' definitely sums up how I feel a lot of the time

@Justcannotbearsed 'losing your bounce' - agree with other posters, this is a good way to describe it too. I might go to the GP, just to feel like I'm doing something to try to improve things, and you're right it might turn up a deficiency I've not even considered.

@SallyWD I wouldn't say I'm depressed either - it's something I've always looked out for, as my mum has suffered with depression for much of her life (as well as early menopause) but this isn't it. And like you I do still enjoy some things, and have happy times, it's not a constant feeling - but it's a feeling which lasts too long or happens too often at the moment. Of course, life comes with highs and lows, but I feel like I'm lingering in the low place too much, and that's not usual for me.

@Hemlock2013 how did you go about finding therapy? I would love to speak to someone about all of this and have a chance to offload the contents of my head to someone who's completely objective. But I have no idea where to begin, or if I could afford it.

@Youngatheart00

I could have written this myself.

Solidarity, even if I can’t help with the answers.

Thanks @Youngatheart00 - solidarity helps, hope it will help you too.

@batmanladybird

Oh yes Op I am very similar position Struggling with deadlines Constantly scrolling on here

Me too! I'm looking for answers, company, distraction... and I'm always glad to find I'm not alone at times like this.

@LizLemonsGlasses I just looked for a local one online. She’s been ok. I wouldn’t say life changing. I think hrt will be when I’m allowed it. X

Does anyone know if taking HRT but may not be going through peri menopause would cause problems?
I've seen posts saying drs prescribe on symptoms and not necessarily off blood tests but just wondering if dr prescribed HRT but it was due to other causes not peri menopause then what it could do to your body

The average age for peri meno to start is 45. So 44 isn’t unusual.

Why not ask if you can try HRT for 3 months and see if it makes a difference? Only way to really know to be honest. Blood tests rule out other issues but don’t really ‘diagnose’ peri as hormones fluctaute so much

@OriginalM

Does anyone know if taking HRT but may not be going through peri menopause would cause problems? I've seen posts saying drs prescribe on symptoms and not necessarily off blood tests but just wondering if dr prescribed HRT but it was due to other causes not peri menopause then what it could do to your body

Can’t see why would cause any issues. It’s adding oestrogen to your body and that falls from mid 30s anyway. It’s one reason why it’s hard for women to get pregnant by their 40s.

Risks are vanishingly low for under 50s.

GPs NICE guidelines focus on 45+ so they be out of their comfort zone prescribing hrt. But it’s benefits are also good too - bone heart and brain health

I echo what everyone else has said. But, I would also add that I think we shouldn't underestimate the impact that the pandemic has had on everyone's mental health. I'm in my early 40s and all my friends (aged between 38-47) are talking about the same feelings and are they in perimenopause. For some, yes, and defo worth you getting checked out. But actually for many of us I think it is a normal response to an extended period of pressure, stress and uncertainty. We are all (men and women) looking to self-soothe and distract, and struggling to cope with the kind of life niggles that previously wouldn't have registered. In short we all need to be extra kind to ourselves right now!

@LarryUnderwood this is a very good point, it's still a pretty rubbish time for everyone, and I do know plenty of people of all ages who are struggling. And we've been fairly fortunate, despite everything, we're still healthy, have jobs and a home so I count myself lucky in many ways. I can't imagine the mental state of others having a much worse time of it.

It does seem cruel though that women of our age have to untangle potential health issues from all of the other stuff that may be going on in their lives, even when there's no pandemic - kids, work, parents, household...there are so many other stressors that it's so difficult to pinpoint what may be hormones and what's just mid-life crap. But I guess if we are kind to ourselves, as you say, that's a good starting point!

I never know if I am
Being kind to myself or making excuses
Feel absolutely rubbish at the moment

@batmanladybird

I never know if I am Being kind to myself or making excuses Feel absolutely rubbish at the moment

Sorry to hear that @batmanladybird Have you considered getting some help from the GP or anything? Don't be hard on yourself, we're all just doing our best, and it's ok to make excuses and choose the simple life at difficult times, that's what I think anyway.

I would honestly consider HRT. The modern HRT is incredibly low risk and the benefits can be really significant. It has to be worth a 4-6 month try. I couldn’t believe how much the oestrogen gel helped me. It was transforming and I have not looked back. No blood tests are needed. GPs should prescribe it as the first thing to try based on symptoms if you are 45 or over. You can only be months off that so armed with the right information it should be accessible to you. This book is worth a read. Kindle or paperback or audiobook.

Preparing for the Perimenopause and Menopause: No. 1 Sunday Times Bestseller (Penguin Life Expert Series, 1) www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0241504643/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_0MZQDMBW9QYP0S7HN0EE?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This is helpful even if you can take HRT: www.whsmith.co.uk/products/managing-hot-flushes-and-night-sweats-a-cognitive-behavioural-selfhelp-guide-to-the-menopause-2nd-ne/myra-hunter/melanie-smith/paperback/9780367853037.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIouOAsduj9AIVH4BQBh0ILwfdEAQYASABEgLle_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

I’ve found it useful. Although it clearly doesn’t help the sleep as I’ve already been awake for an hour

I would firstly go to GP and take blood tests - it could be e.g. anaemia or other things which can make you very tired and less able to cope with stuff. - I am not a Gp but personally I would not jump into HRT before you know all you can know.

Just thought I'd jump on here with a wee update - been feeling much better for the past 3 days or so. I think the right amount of good hormones is helping, but also plenty of exercise and some positive action - just posting on here has definitely helped my attitude. I've done a bit extra yoga, my usual running and bought a book about peri menopause by Maisie Hill.

I've also downloaded the Balance app and going to try and track my moods and any symptoms so that I have some evidence of a pattern (if there is any) linked to my cycle. I'm under no illusion - I'll probably feel crappy again in a week or so as all the hormones deplete again. And if things continue like this I'll definitely go back and see the GP to see if they can help at all.

Thanks again for all the comments and discussion on here, I always find the MN community helpful

Lovely post @LizLemonsGlasses - I have 2 friends who swear by HRT. One said when she stopped it symptoms came back. But this is anecdotal . I went through without HRT and some symptoms were really annoying but having lived with them a while - going away - but that is just my experience - & if mine is anything to go by - they don't last forever - even it seems like they will

But so lovely you are feeling better

I've just searched 'mid life' on here and I'm so glad I found this thread.

Word for word, I could've written your post @LizLemonsGlasses.

I'm exactly the same age as you and feel very much the same way. We also lost FIL (not to covid) this year and life just seems to be an endless cycle of frustration, sadness and frankly, boredom.

My DH is slightly older and is utterly content with his lot. Which makes me feel even worse...on paper, I have everything I could want or need but I feel so utterly joyless. The summer was horrendous - spent much of it either tearful or lost in daydreams and ignoring reality. Did at one point wonder if I was going mad.

For me, it's also realising that all the fun, lovely stuff is behind me - marriage, babies, working my way up career wise. All future milestones are really, really depressing!!

I need to find new fun, lovely stuff I think. And I'm so relieved to find out that I'm not alone.

How are you now @LizLemonsGlasses?

Thanks for asking @absolutecasseroledownthere 🙂 I definitely feel much better than I did when I started this thread.

I'm currently on a week off in between leaving my old job and starting the new one, so all of the stresses of my old work have disappeared - I think that's helped a bit, and I've been getting plenty of exercise, although my sleep it still fairly disrupted. I haven't dipped as low as I was BUT I fully expect this will happen again because I really do still believe it's a peri/hormonal thing. My feelings happened around the time of a very short cycle and I'm sure that's not a coincidence. Like the engine is stuttering a bit but not going into complete meltdown yet?! So as well as the usual pre-menstrual moodiness each month I might expect a more significant low from time to time as hormones fluctuate. That's my theory, it's just speculation but you know how you can sometimes just know what your body is doing even though it would be difficult to diagnose..?

Anyway, I hope you're starting to think of new fun stuff to look forward to @absolutecasserole. Sorry about your FIL too. I found the summer really difficult too (school holidays/lack of routine is always hard) and was very similar to you - lost in daydreams. Like my brain had given up on RL and needed a break - I was much happier off in fantasy land. It was really nice actually, as I felt quite carefree a lot of the time - I wish I could flick a switch in my head and make it operate that way whenever I need to!

As for the future, I already had an existential crisis about this during the past year too! I started another thread at the time in fact because I suddenly felt so disillusioned and 'trapped' in my life. Now I'm really hoping for a 'second wind' when I'm older - when I can travel, have new experiences and generally grow old a bit disgracefully! I realised that I dread living a boring, retired life and that there's a lot of things I still want to do before I shuffle off. Maybe I'll feel differently when I'm 60, but for now I'm trying not to worry about all the things I already feel I'm missing out on and reassuring myself that the time will come when I'm older.