This is probably going to be very long, but can someone help me rationalise this.
I've had a friend since school. We were really close and then I had my child, who died. I sort of drifted away from her because she was there when he died and I retreated from life at that point.
We reconnected again a few years later when I was pregnant again, and sadly my child was very poorly and died a few weeks later. Again I retreated from everyone. I just ghosted her.
I had another child and this friend and I reconnected again, and my child got very, very ill, hours away from death ill. Thankfully she pulled through. But again, I stopped all contact.
A few weeks ago she tried to get in touch again. I feel really awful, but every time she pops up in my life something happens with one of my children. I know it isn't her fault, I don't blame her, but I'm so terrified of being her friend again just in case. I sort of (unfairly) associate her with terrible things happening.
I suppose as an aside from that since the deaths of my children I'm not very good with people, I don't have friends anymore and I cant bring myself to care about anyone except my dc. The thought of becoming close to someone and them dying is use too much, I don't think I could survive another loss so I just keep everyone at arms length.
I've had counselling and didn't find it useful at all.
I know its not normal to live a solitary life so I don't have to deal with loss.
Does anyone relate? Any advice? TIA 