In a relationship with my partner & his Mum!

[Emily920]

Hi All,

Me and my partner have been together 11 years. He is full greek and had a very traditional greek upbringing, I however am half greek and had a very English upbringing. The first year of our relationship was perfect, it was long distance but it worked. I then moved in with him and his family to build a life together. I give up everything I knew to be with him and support his family through an IVA and pay off debt, I worked without being paid and I tolerated arguments, sarcastic comments and control. I decided to leave and move back to my home town in which my partner followed. His mum at the time didn’t speak to him for 5 months because of this. We eventually made up and we moved back and forth between each of our home towns because I always tried to do what he wanted so he was happy but I was just fooling myself that his narcissistic controlling mother would let us live happy. I fell pregnant in 2017 and at the time we were getting along however when she found out I was pregnant, she lost it. She was more concerned about the shame it would bring on the family and the fact that our child was a “bastard eligitimate child” because it was conceived whilst we were not married and she wanted nothing to do with it. In this moment we had been living at her house in an extension we built however we quickly move into our own place down the road. I moved out when I was 4 months pregnant and I hadn’t spoken to her until 2 weeks before our baby was due. I squashed it for the sake of our baby and I even let her be in the delivery room to see her first grandchild be born because my partner was begging me.

2 weeks after giving birth, she resurfaced old wounds and started talking about how there past made her feel and how I disrespected her and was seriously not letting go of it. I had enough, I told my partner I can’t do it anymore on top of just having a baby so I made arrangements to move back to my hometown so I was close to my family.

Fast forward 3 years, we have now been here 3 years and I haven’t spoken a single word to his family since.

I have always known my partner was really close to his mum and at first I really liked it but over time I noticed she had such a hold on him financially and in his every day life decisions. They have always spoken quite a lot on the phone (6-7 times per day, every day!) and again, at first I used to find it cute but now I don’t speak to her, I find it very invasive. My partner takes our daughter to stay with his family every other weekend so they get to spend time with her and sometimes he goes a few weekends in a row, I really try not to get in between that because I want her to have a relationship with them but at the same time, I am concerned my partner cares more about them spending time with her than he does about us spending time together as a family.

He makes big life decisions without me and consults with his mum, it doesn’t matter what I say as long as his mum agrees and if she doesn’t then he won’t do it. He says it’s a “respect” thing and I don’t understand because I was brought up very different.

He recently brought a car for £12,000 which is a lot of money and I didn’t even know he had brought it until he arranged to go and pick it up which by the way he is taking his mum with him. This means that what should be a couple of hours out the house has now resulted in him being away the whole weekend so that he can go and get her, get the car, go back to her house, spend the night there and come back the next evening. Bare in mind, he has already been with her the last 2 weekends with our daughter.

He also doesn’t invite to family events anymore like cousins weddings etc because he would rather go with his family and our daughter than take me and it be awkward.

I have tried explaining to him that this makes me feel like there is another women even though that other women is his mum. I feel like he is cheating on me and I’m just completely left out but when I say it he thinks I’m trying to ruin his relationship with his mum.

I’m not sure I can do it anymore but my daughter is the centre of both of our worlds. What can I do to get him to realise that WE are his family and WE also matter without sounding like a Jelous bitter partner??

I suppose I am slightly jelous but only because Whilst he shows her so much attention, I don’t have a partner and it’s starting to really get to me. I want someone that is going to stand up for me and show the world that we are a family and united, i truly believe if he did that, he would actually get respect from his parents instead of them laughing at him because he has “ruined” his life because he hasn’t done it the way they would of wanted him to do it.

Sorry for the essay but wanted to give you a full picture so you can give me your clear judgement. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you xxxx

Nothing ?

Exactly. He’s never been willing to stand up for you or cut the apron strings.

The best thing you can do is make sure you stand up for you now.

Well counselling is a great place to start. You can either decide how you are going to stay together or more likely coparent well together when you split. If you split your dd is going to be more dragged back and forth as he will move "home" and it wouldn't be great for her.

Do you see your family your weekends at home?

Horrid situation to bring a child up in. It's not the MIL but the DH at fault in these situations. He doesn't care about you.

You have kind of given the space all to her. Is there chance to reclaim it? So start going to family events with him. Cut down to a monthly visit to his family but go along?

What would change if you were divorced?

Apart from having the opportunity to potentially meet a partner who would value, cherish and put you first?

He and his mother sound emmeshed with each other and you sound like you have terribly low self esteem. It sounds like they have huge influence over your daughter and she will be brought up in the same negativity where her mum can be pushed aside. You have choices in life op you are not a child.

@ZenNudist I know! This is why I’m hesitant to just end it because of the consequence it has on my daughter. When I chose to have a child, I wanted a forever family and a forever home. Not once did I imagine I’d have a broken family. Thinking about it makes me feel sick of worry.

I live 5 minutes away from my family and I see my family as and when I want to. It’s usually either once a week or once a fortnight. My family don’t visit un announced and neither do they call every day. In fact they very rarely call, I just pop in when I can.

I don’t know how to reclaim it without being seen as a bitch. How do I get involved when my partner is reluctant to do so? I couldn’t possibly go to there house once a month after not speaking to them for 3 years, and there is still a lot of resentment.

I don’t really know what I’m asking from him because everything I want sounds as though I’m trying to stop his relationship with his mum when I’m not, I would just like to be considered.

Oh you sound so sad and defeated. Is there still love with your dh?. Stop being the caring person who puts his relationship with his family first and start putting the health of your own relationship and your own family first.

You are being made to feel like you are forcing him to choose between his mother and his wife but what about his mother pulling the same stunt but winning? You are worn down you are thinking of giving up. You deserve a loving relationship. His family is trying and succeeding in breaking you up. It's not normal behaviour on their part and your dh is damaged by it. If you can get him into counselling perhaps he can explore it and start to break the hold she has on him.

Remind him: you are his life partner. He promised to care for you and dd. His behaviour is causing your little family to break apart and he is putting his dd's wellbeing at risk. He is doing this not you. You are being abandoned. Most weeks and possibly permanently.

It's no way to live. It can't go on but you have to change your behaviour and stop letting him walk all over you. If he is a good man he might see sense.

When your daughter visits it is highly likely your mother in law does not hold back about her opinion of you. Your child is probably growing up listening to you being disrespected and if you don’t stand up to it, she will probably follow suit as she gets older as she sees it being accepted behaviour.

I really couldn’t be with a partner who did not support me and allowed someone else to belittle me.

@ZenNudist I think there is still love on my part. When I think about not being with him, I feel sick. I can’t imagine my life without him because he is all I have known for 11 years. It’s scary.

He often tells me that I don’t show him compassion and I’m often quite sharp with him and it’s because I hold so much resentment. I think to myself, why should I show you compassion and affection when you clearly don’t care about me?

Prior to us having a baby, I found it really easy to show him affection but that’s because we used to talk and he was open with me but now that he is a closed book, I just can’t.

I don’t know what happens or what gets said when she goes to her grandmas, I just get sent pictures of her playing and looking happy so I don’t really say too much. If i was to tell my partner I’m worried that his mum is going to manipulate our daughter, he would tell me I’m crazy. He would never admit that she is like that even though deep down he knows she is capable of it.

I think I’ll start with relationship therapy and go from there because I need him to see it for himself, I am clearly not getting through to him and I’m starting to sound like a broken record.

You said earlier that his mum should come before you- this is not true honey - you should come before anyone. If you still really love and want to be with him give couples therapy a go. If he’s not willing or nothing changes then I’d be separating.

It’s not good for your daughter as she will be picking up on your feelings etc. I’d go through a proper separation, solicitors etc and get access, maintenance agreed

You're right that it's good problem but you're going to make yourself miserable like this. He's not ready to change and it's highly unlikely he ever will. His position has become more entrenched over the years. He's made his decision. You need your life back.

his

but why did you abase yourself so much, to give up your job and work for them, and have to beg for spending money, like a child or serf.
you had a well-paid job so you are obviously one smart cookie.
but you chose to try to earn their acceptance, by almost any means.
it sounds cock-eyed.
why were you so in love with him. sounds more like infatuation.
not healthy.
are you close with your own parents.

@alexdgr8 your right, I was prepared to do anything to be accepted. I wanted to be a part of the family however I quickly realised that I had to centre my whole world around them or else i would never be accepted.

My routine each day was dependant on how
his mum was feeling and what needs she had which completely sucked me of any life I had.

I eventually had enough of it happening to me, my partner and his sister, along with the constant drama she used to cause so that she was centre of attention.

I did all of this because at the time, I wasn’t the
only one feeling it. My partner used to hold my hand and we would talk, cry and get through it together. I always hoped that one day we would both be free from the control because I thought he wanted that too.

Since having our daughter, he has completely switched, maybe it’s because he feels guilty for not giving his mum a grandchild that she can see every day or pick up whenever she wants as I know that’s what she has always wanted.

They are the type of family to have everyone living under one roof and that’s how they like it, I’m sure she imagined her relationship with her grandchild to be different and every other weekend is just not enough. He always says to me that it’s them that is sacrificing and I am winning in all of this but I really don’t feel like I am.

I think it all stems from guilt, and I think it’s his mum that’s made him feel like that. I can only imagine some of the things she says to him about how much she is missing out and I have robbed her of a relationship with her grandchild etc etc.

dear OP, you are enmeshed in a toxic, abusive situation.
you need to get out.
seek counselling urgently.
you can do it.
smart cookie.
good luck.

You need urgent counselling as you are being abused by your DH and his Mother. If you work and you child is gone two weekends in a row then surely you are hardly seeing her. She says she doesn't want to go but then you are told she had a lovely time. Your DH says he is being controlled but then calls six times a day? Trust what your child is initially saying. She is being conditioned to say she loves being away from her Mummy just like your DH is conditioned to put Mummy first. Counselling is needed, with your partner preferably. You sound like you have low self esteem and your DH/his Mother are taking full advantage of that. You need to put your foot down.and do what's best for your child. Hearing her grandma be negative about her Mother is not good for her. It will be a lot worse once she hits 12.