My dad died. Lots of trigger warnings for this one!

[Lostmyheart101]

So my dad died, found out a few days after it happened. I don’t feel anything really, I’m not sad, not happy, not numb, I feel completely unaffected.

I had a shit childhood and my dad was the only one genuine good thing about it, every weekend he would come to collect me and we would have so much fun together, as a kid and at the time, I didn’t love anyone more.

I was abused by my step dad, I felt I couldn’t tell anyone, even my dad. When I was 18 I met the love of life, my dad instantly didn’t like him but I didn’t care because I was in love. Unfortunately after only being together a short while I fell pregnant, my dad wasn’t pleased and told me I’m no longer his responsibility but now the fathers to be. That was nice! I ended up having a miscarriage, but 20 years later on from then I’m still with the same guy, we now have two beautiful children.

When I had a miscarriage my dad apologised and said he was sorry. Years later when I had my first child my dad came to visit. My partner and dad didn’t like each other, even though my partner never did anything wrong, no arguments or anything though, they just didn’t like each other.

After the one time my dad visited to see his grandchild, he was shortly arrested and then charged for being a pedophile. My world fell apart, not my dad, the most loving, caring and golden hearted person in the world…I was devastated. My partner then said he is never coming near our child ever, I couldn’t argue with that and agreed, whilst I loved my dad, my child was my priority. I wasn’t going to let her down like my mum let me down.

He done time in prison then came out, I had our second child. Years passed, in the 14-16 years since he went to prison I spoke to him 4-5 times on the phone only, I never saw him again. The phone calls were casual, we never spoke of his prison sentence and I never mentioned anything about my children to him, it was like chatting to someone who you didn’t really know.

His dead now, I don’t know where he lives, I don’t know if he even mentioned to people he ever spoke to me and I don’t know what happens next.

He was a poor man with nothing, but I’m his only child, he won’t have money to pay for a funeral, I don’t want to pay for it either, as far as I know, my dad died the minute he went to prison.

I feel abit awkward about it though, I really am feeling nothing about the fact his dead, I feel like I should though because he was my only happiness as a child and really was a good dad when I was younger, but turned out to be a monster really.

He died a few days ago, I only know this because a friend of his contacted my mum and told her and she told me, but no one in authority has contacted me to say he died? I don’t know if he even has a will, and my surname has changed as I got married. Will someone contact me? I don’t want to contact anyone in authority as I don’t want to be landed with his funeral bill.

I also feel a bit robbed that my dad has died and I’m not upset about it, I Shoukd be upset, I should have family around me consoling me and telling me everything is going to be all right, but there not, because I’m not upset, I don’t even care. It’s just a Tuesday to me.

Do you think I should care? He was a good dad to me when I was a kid.
Is it bad I don’t care? I can’t get my head around the way I’m feeling, like I need someone to tell me how to feel because nothing is there.

I think with bereavement, no one should tell you how to feel. Your emotions are what are right for you and you should not be told otherwise.

I’m sorry you lost the dad of your childhood. I hope that you will find comfort in those memories of him.

(For very different reasons, I think I will be in a similar position when my dad dies, it’s very hard.)

I think you've been through a lot of grief already with him. You lost him a long time ago.

I think that it is likely that you grieved for the dad you loved when he was convicted as a paedophile.

Did you cycle through a mix of denial, anger, bargaining and depression, and then finally reach this point of acceptance that has meant you could live your live well since?
It is okay not to grieve now, you've been there and done it already.

My dad died in completely different circumstances, he had a very aggresive brain tumor, the surgery left him very different and very disabled and then he died a year later. I did 90% of my grieving when he was first diagnosed/operated on. I had little left to process when he died, and only cried a couple of times even though I loved.

Grief is different for everyone.

I imagine that you’re in shock, @Lostmyheart101. His death has suddenly bought him and the pain he caused back into your life. It’s completely normal to feel nothing in shock, or when circumstances are overwhelming. You may well have feelings trickle in over time.

I think it’s very hard to lose someone who had such different impacts on your life - very positive and very negative. Your brain tries to make sense of it and create a narrative that makes sense, but it can’t. I know it’s a cliche, but be patient with yourself. Whatever you feel is valid. You’ve had some very hard experiences and this is forcing them into focus again.

It’s absolutely fine to feel like you don’t care. It’s very early days, your feelings are bound to fluctuate, but if you never care, that’s OK too.

Not really, when the police men came to basically ask me if my dad had ever been inappropriate with me, I told them that no, it wasn’t my dad, it was my step dad and they’ve got the wrong man. Stupid of me really as they came to ask about my dad and not what happened to me so I didn’t need to say anything about my step dad because they didn’t know, but at the time that’s what I thought they was asking.

It went to court with my step dad as a separate case, he got off Scott free, even though the abuse was over years. My step dads family, to this day I imagine, think his not guilty and would never do such a thing, but he did.

So when it came to light about my dad, I know families don’t believe it, as a sort of reaction, but I know the truth is that you never really do know, so I never went into denial about my dad, more shock I would say.

I was gutted, I loved him so much but couldn’t risk my child ever meeting him again, because he didn’t die then, I didn’t grieve for him, I missed him and I was gutted about what happened, but I didn’t grieve. Now his dead, I’m still not grieving.

The whole thing feels really weird, like I’m supposed to be upset, but I’m just not, it’s like I’ve lost my heart, which is very strange because I am a very emotional and affectionate person in general.

I believe that you can;t be forced to pay for a funeral. If there is an estate funds can be taken from that. But you say he had no money, in which case the local authority is obliged to give him a funeral, its called a public health funeral. It comes into operation when someone dies without family or estate, or when they are estranged from family and no one is willing to pay.

I'm sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. There are no right or wrong emotions for you to feel, whatever you feel is valid and considering the circumstances it is not at all surprising that you feel numb or confused or whatever, he turned out not to be the person you thought he was.
If there is a will and anything has been left to you, you will be contacted (at least that is what happened when my father died - his lawyer wrote to me)

I think it’s very hard to lose someone who had such different impacts on your life - very positive and very negative. Your brain tries to make sense of it and create a narrative that makes sense, but it can’t.

This is very true, and it can be very confusing.

As PP has said, you probably grieved the 'good' version of your dad a long time ago. It's ok to think of the happy memories, but don't let that lead you to any sort of guilt. He did something appalling and you reacted in a totally normal and reasonable way. You had no choice but to distance yourself from him, for your children's sake.

Feel whatever you feel, even if it's nothing, and don't question yourself. It is what it is and you haven't done anything wrong.

Oh OP you feel how you feel, there’s absolutely no right or wrong way to grieve.

There are so many complex parts to this that I’d ask your GP for some counselling if you feel that would help you pick everything apart and make sense of your feelings.

If you’re fine though, you’re fine, there’s nothing at all wrong with that.

Gosh I'm sorry it's all turnt out like that.

I'm sorry he turnt out to be that way. I'm sorry that happened to you

This made me cry a little I must say. I couldn't read and run.

You are justified in whatever the fuck you want to feel.
Your feelings you own them.

Lots of
Love

This is a really complex story and Im sorry you had to go through this. Your dad that you knew later turned out to be someone you didnt know. You also had an extra trauma with your step dad. In a way you sound resigned to me- ypu have acceoted the story. I dont know how you feel but there will be lots of feelings and you have been denied reason, endings and answers, Im sorry that you never got those. Do try to un-pick this with a psychotherapist if you could. Take care. X

Feeling numb and carrying on as if nothing has happened is the first reaction to bereavement that is mentioned on the Cruse website. It’s really not uncommon, OP.

www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/feelings-when-someone-dies/

You don't need to feel anything. You can't force emotions.
But maybe there are people out there who he abused who would be very glad to hear he's gone.
I also don't believe that relatives are obliged to pay for funeral expenses in the UK.

The trauma of being abused yourself, and then discovering that your Dad, a man you had trusted and loved, was also an abuser , must have been massive. And it wouldn't be at all surprising if it caused you to shut down emotionally in relation to your dad, in a way that has left you numb when he died.

Even bereavement alone can cause that defensve numbness, let alone a bereavement on top of so much earlier trauma.

Please don't feel bad for not grieving in a way that you feel you ought to. The absence of that kind of deep, almost consoling, grief isn't a wrong towards your Dad. It is a hardship for you , and for you only. And it is an additional reason why you should be kind, kind, kind to yourself. xxx