I keep making terrible mistakes

[Moonchild31]

Hi I'm looking for some advice and help and feel too ashamed to talk to my friends and family about my issues. A lot has happened in the past year I've split with my longterm partner due to me suffering seriously bad depression, I moved out of the family home with my toddler age 3 to a rented house. In feb I had an operation which put me into early menopause at age 31 to eleviate my premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). At first I got my confidence back and felt great like I was winning at life, I was going out more and enjoying myself. I felt like I had lots of energy for my little girl and just happier...
Since losing my job lately and worrying about money etc my mental health has went downhill rapidly I'm anxious all of the time and have isolated myself from my friends and lost all my confidence. To make matters worse when I have been drinking I have had two one night stands which has been eating away at me because I feel so ashamed about myself and like I'm a terrible person 😔 I feel like i should be more in control of my life but can't seem to pull myself out of this negative cycle 😪

For a start, you've dealt with a lot, and I think you need to take a deep breath and acknowledge that your life recently has been difficult by any standards have you had someone talk to you about the MH implications due to hormones etc of your medical menopause? And I think you also need to forgive yourself for the ONS you did nothing wrong. You're single. You chose to have sex. I hope you enjoyed them both at the time. Those are not by any standards 'terrible mistakes' -- people have guilt-free, fun ONS all the time. Though obviously if you feel they're not so much a choice as because you were over-drinking, that's a bit different.

You sound as if you could really benefit from some therapy to help improve your mood and self-esteem.

Completely agree with @maulstick

You've done nothing wrong, op, I think you're just recognising your declining mental health and need to get more support.

Speak to your gp and your family. Say you know you're pushing them away but think about how you'd like them to support you and tell them. Ask them to bear with you in the meantime.

And cut yourself some slack, you've nothing to be ashamed of!

Thank you Maulstick for your kind words it really means a lot! I do get a great deal of support from my mum who is my rock through everything and usually tell her everything but I don't want her to worry about me either. I take medication for the menopause and MH issues but lately have been so overwhelmed by anxiety it's crippling. I have had therapy before and definitely think it's a good idea, I'd rather pay for a good counsellor when I can afford it which I can't right now.
And the ONS as much as I wanted to at the time my judgement is definitely clouded by alcohol and definitely wouldn't of chose to do them things if sober, it's a bit of an issue I've had around men since I was younger that I allow myself to be hurt in situations then feel no self worth. I was in a very loving relationship and we still love eachother very much but I feel like I've messed up too much to make a go of things again xx