How do you deal with friends who do this?

[Landof]

So I have a friend and we sometimes work alongside each other maybe once a fortnight but we chat probably every other day or so. We get along great and I do really like her and value our friendship but I've noticed that whenever I have a vent about anything, she ALWAYS says 'omg me too, I've been feeling the same'

For example, if I ever say I had a terrible night's sleep, she says the same.
This week I've been really poorly, the mega cold, and I just knew she'd say she's feeling run down too.
These are just a few examples of course and I'm hoping you get the picture but basically it's almost like she can't ever just let me be under the weather, run down, stressed, poorly without having 'one up' on me.
I'm not sure if she realises she's doing it. Probably not. And I do genuinely value our friendship but I just feel like I can't say things without it being a competition.

To add, whenever she has a problem I am always there to listen and wouldn't dream of saying 'me too' as I wouldn't want to dismiss how she feels.

Just make what you say more and more outrageous whilst continuing to keep a straight face at the same time.

She may be trying to sympathize with you!

@CreepySpider haha that's a good idea!

@BluebellsGreenbells I'm sure you're probably right, it doesn't feel like it though but she is a nice person so I'm sure she's not meaning to come across as competitive. But honestly this week I've been so under the weather and I just knew she would be too!

I think I do this sometimes. I’m genuinely sympathising, not being competitive. Perhaps she is just sympathising too?

I had a friend like this, you've been to Tenerife she's been to elevenerife

We're not friends anymore ☺️ could no longer dance to her tune and allow her to make it all about herself

I think it’s a sort of mirroring that people do when they feel insecure to try to bond. It often happens for positive things, people say they like e.g. a certain type of music because they know the person they are talking to does. I think for some people, that can end up spilling over into the negatives too without really even realising it. The more insecure, the more likely they are to be subconsciously mirroring to gain your approval.

Thanks for all the input. I think you're all right!

I think that's if, if it was positive things then I wouldn't mind so much but sometimes we just want to have a moan and be a little selfish without having it all about the other person.

It isn't the end of the world. I just wondered if other people have noticed this with friends.

I’ve become aware recently that I do this.. I’m trying to stop and just listen!
I do it because I’m trying find a way to connect and empathise, or make the other person not feel alone. Def not to trying to ‘one up’ but totally see that it would look that way (or worse, trying to turn the conversation round back to me).

I think she’s trying to sympathise/empathise.

Next Friday tell her you are getting a tattoo at the week end..

I have a friend like this who I am currently gradually stepping away from. I feel I can't communicate with her at all these days. She is always the first one to ask me how I am, how is work etc., but I never actually get to tell her because she cuts off my first sentence with her own story that is inevitably a more dramatic and extreme version of what I was about to say. I can't get a word in edgewise, all she does is rant about how awful her life is by using her question to me as an "opener" to get the conversation onto the topic she wants to vent about. She is absolutely draining. I think she certainly has issues in her life and needs to talk it all out, but it's all so one-sided, it's very hard to empathise.

@Throughabushbackwards I think you've hit the nail on the head really. Just that it often feels one sided and I'm always supporting her but when I say my issues it's just a quick 'sorry to hear you're feeling poorly, I've been feeling much the same...' and then reels off everything that's wrong with her. It's not that I don't believe her more that it just seems to always happen when I say something and I find it quite draining.

@stealingbeauty

I think I do this sometimes. I’m genuinely sympathising, not being competitive. Perhaps she is just sympathising too?

Same

I think some people lack the ability to understand that sometimes the best response is to say 'sorry you're feeling shit, that sucks, can I do anything?' or words to that effect. I do think it comes from a well meaning place though.

It's similar to people whose response is to try and fix things when you just want to have a little moan.

I haven’t really got any advice on how to cope with it, but my partner is like this and also one of my colleagues. I try not to talk to them about anything negative that’s happening to me.
When I had a baby and started back at work again I used to come into work like a zombie and immediately my colleague would start telling me about how tired she was. I found it all so confusing. Every day she’d tell me how she hadn’t slept. She must have known I was exhausted, but I just tried to get on with things. It was like she was pre-empting a competition.

I do this. I've become more aware of it recently as someone actually pointed it out to me!
It really is my way of empathising and showing support but I can understand why it's taken the wrong way. If someone said they'd just crashed their car, I wouldn't say 'me too' obviously but I would be looking for ways to make the situation not so bad by finding some words of support. If someone has had a bad night sleep and I had also had a bad night, I would probably tell them to show understanding for the way they feel. I appreciate it might be annoying though. I'm learning to just listen rather than add anything now. Maybe just explain to her how it comes across - I took it well when someone did to me.

Doesn't it ever help to hear you're not alone? It has definitely helped me in the past. As have people offering solutions and helping me to see things from another angle. It depends on how you tick, really.

However, if you can’t get a word in, that IS selfish

I had a colleague like this. Whatever illness anybody had had, she'd had it a few days previously. I remember telling her about the nausea I'd been having for days and the dry retching in the mornings. Turns out she'd been like that at the weekend. Fast forward a few weeks and I w ent back to her to report that I'd discovered the cause of the illness. I was pregnant! That left her speechless and unable to make a comeback. (Although I was pretty speechless too. I thought it was a stomach bug!)