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Original poster

How did you decide to have kids?

24 replies

Mushrooms0up · 14/11/2021 19:50

In what is a classic dilemma I need to decide soon ish if I want to have kids or not. I’m 30 but have PCOS and irregular periods so need to crack on. My partner doesn’t really mind either way…

I live a really nice life! Plenty of disposable income, holidays abroad, enjoy meals out but I always thought I’d have kids and I love the idea of a family / school runs, homework, kids parties the whole lot.

However, I’m also aware of the grinding relentlessness and I’m just not sure if I’m cut out for it. We’d have 2 sets of grandparents on tap and could afford childcare though.

However , lots of threads on here seem to suggest kids are just something to endure. So many threads say ages 0 - 4 are awful, as are the teenage years, so a lot of sacrifice for say, 5 ‘good’ years. Is this true?

If you had your time again, would you have kids? (Particularly in an ‘ideal’ environment with limited money issues and family close by….) I’m really just not sure and don’t want to regret it.

OP posts:

makelovenotpetrol · 14/11/2021 20:02

It's seriously hard , exhausting and relentless, all the time.

Would I change it for anything? No way! If I had my time again yes I'd have my kids, absolutely, as hard and relentless as it is and the trauma and heartache involved yes yes yes.

However.... If you're not sure.... I advise doing some serious soul searching first.

YoBeaches · 14/11/2021 20:11

We find it exhausting at times but not all the time. They go through an awful lot in those first few years and it's our job to support them through it.
The personality, the milestones, doing stuff together is awesome.

I'm glad the baby days are passed us, mostly so because I personally have more independence. Breast feeding, maternity leave, I made the most of every minute but I'm glad now to have more me time - it's a nice balance. And I can only do that because DH is equally 'in' and we work as a team. It would fuck me off if I felt I was doing most of the work.

We have one. We may have had more but I have a condition that causes miscarriage, and i was 40 at the time of a successful birth, so now we would rather be happy with what we have then relive more trauma. And we are.

No grandparents nearby, we live by the beach, can afford a nice nursery and both work.

Life is fun and happy.

Nikki305 · 14/11/2021 20:15

It's so so hard but so so worth it. If you have grandparents around to help that would make things much easier so you can grab a break every now and again.
I don't think you would regret it, but maybe wait a bit longer to help you make your mind up.
Good luck!

Interested in this thread?

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Families

Megan2018 · 14/11/2021 20:17

I didn‘t want any, neither did DH. Then I hit 40, had a broody panic and had DD at 41 (DH was 46). She’s bloody brilliant-I’ve loved every bit, pregnancy etc. I’ve found it pretty easy really, tiring yes, but brilliant. I think age brings patience and realistic expectations.

Bananarice · 14/11/2021 20:31

Yes, I would have my dc again.

BiscuitLover09876 · 14/11/2021 20:33

Be prepared to change your whole entire life. For me, it's something I always wanted to experience. And I adore him. plus the hard years don't last forever!

It can take a while to conceive. Good luck!

milkieway · 14/11/2021 20:38

How committed is your partner to wanting kids?

I think I just got an overwhelming desire that I wanted a baby and my DH was v keen too

It is the hardest thing I've ever done, my life changed completely and I missed that at first as was so used to my independence and freedom and tbh I probably had a really rough ride of things at the start. But you come through the other side and yes it's hard but I guess you just love them so much you get through the hard times somehow

Velvetbee · 14/11/2021 20:39

Absolutely. Maybe not 4 but definitely at least 2. The joy of looking at the world through their eyes makes everything magical.

Don’t have 4 though.

DramaAlpaca · 14/11/2021 20:41

As I got closer to 30 I found I was wanting children more and more. I had a good job, was married and we'd bought a house, so felt ready to go for it. Three now adult children later, I'd do it again if I had my time over.

Letsgetquizzy · 14/11/2021 20:43

@Velvetbee You took the words out of my mouth!!

On the days that we just have two, I understand why people stop there.

Fairly sure I'd feel something was missing had I done so, though.

Ihaveoflate · 14/11/2021 20:48

I have one child and we still have a good, balanced life if work, family, hobbies etc. because we're equal partners.

But yes, the early years are relentless and exhausting. We're still in the thick of it but there are still moments of joy.

Overall, I'm glad we decided to have a child but I'm also glad we decided to stop at one.

LadyCleathStuart · 14/11/2021 21:09

I never wanted children, then when I was 29 I went for cancer tests - I was told by doctors to prepare for the worst news. During the god awful wait all I could think about was 'I won't have childen' and it crushed me.

When I got the good news that I didn't have cancer we started trying for a baby straight away and got lucky first month.

I have two DC now and it is very difficult, stressful and exhausting. The thing is that no one can quite convey how it can be so difficult but still utterly amazing at times - it's a strange thing that you can't understand unless you have them.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat, I don't regret a second of it all. Even with my youngest high needs non sleeper.

Jabvribt · 14/11/2021 21:11

I would do it a thousand times over for mine; it is difficult (they’re still young) but every day something they do makes it worth it.

Tiddlywinkly · 14/11/2021 21:14

I have 2 dc. I had them at 30 and 32. They are now primary school age. I don't regret them.

I would say that family help would make life infinitely easier (whilst very lucky that we had financial support,we had very little practical help. I would have preferred it the other way around any day). Also, dc are like throwing a grenade into a relationship. It will be tested to the limit.

I'm not massively maternal. The younger years were mostly 'grit your teeth'. I returned to work after 6-7 months of maternity leave both times and it helped. I knew a childcare setting would be able to give them the play and creative opportunities that I was not able to. I'm really enjoying them now and we have a great relationship.

Dh and I went for them as our mortality was brought into perspective when dh's dad died suddenly. We would have regretted not having tried to have them. Selfish, but the choice to have dc always is.

Your life changes dramatically. I remember the shock of briefly forgetting I had a newborn and switching on the light to my bedroom with a sleeping baby in it. It took me 18 months to get my head properly around to the idea that my life was no longer entirely my own. Only you can decide if you're willing to do that.

TuesdayRuby · 14/11/2021 21:15

They drive you absolutely bonkers but you wouldn’t be without them.
And the nice life is definitely still possible if you have decent salaries and grandparents to babysit.

FawnFrenchieMum · 14/11/2021 21:16

Yes I absolutely would. The hardest thing for us has been money struggles paying for full time childcare so not having that worry is a great start. I think if I did it again, I’d have them closer together (almost 6 years between them).
It’s the hardest thing you will ever do but also the most rewarding.
You will see all the bad stuff on here as no one asks for help and support on the good days.

pancakesonsunday · 14/11/2021 21:23

I'm going to sound like a cliche- my children are the hardest thing I've ever done but the absolute best thing in my life.

Don't. Hesitate.

Echobelly · 14/11/2021 21:23

Having supportive grandparents available makes a huge difference IMO and I'd say definitely go for it if you have that. I think being able to keep up a decent social life and time together as a couple is a big stress reliever and family support is a great enabler - it won't be as much as before, but you'll be in a much better position than many parents.

Tiddlywinkly · 14/11/2021 21:25

Oh, I forgot to mention that I came off the pill at 29 and it was only then discovered that I had polycystic ovaries after I didn't get my natural periods back. Another trigger that probably speeded up the decision process.

pancakesonsunday · 14/11/2021 21:25

Also I don't have any help from family at all. Just a very wonderful DH and enough money to pay for the best local nursery on workdays.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/11/2021 21:51

Kids are flipping hard work, I have a medically complex one and then twins. It's like baby bingo! But they're also amazing and wonderful

Original poster

Mushrooms0up · 15/11/2021 18:59

Thanks everyone - lots of food for thought. It seems (at least here) whilst it’s hard no one seems to actively regret it…

OP posts:

SarahAndQuack · 15/11/2021 19:07

I always wanted children, had fertility issues (ongoing). DP never particularly thought about it, but when we moved in together a friend mentioned she was thinking of trying for a baby and we just thought, oh, ok, that sounds good. We now have DD who is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me. For context, DP had a rough pregnancy and a traumatic labour, and had a lot of long-term physical and mental issues; we both ended up unexpectedly unemployed when DD was 9 months old; we decided to move house at that point to somewhere we could afford more, and so we ended up with no local support network. Various things really strained our relationship and it has been extremely grim at times, as well as financially quite hairy on occasion (fingers crossed we're out of the woods now). Oh, and DD was a sleep-refuser to a ridiculous extreme.

Obviously it's not dire, people experience much worse, but I'd say in terms of the run-of-the-mill things that people mention when they're saying having children is stressful - sleep issues, money issues, health issues, partner issues, support issues - we had all of them. But the one thing DP and I always agree on is that DD is absolutely the best thing ever.

(Please remind me of this next time she drops a marble into a glass dish from a height, which she has been doing persistently for what feels like the last few hundred years of my life, but what's probably been about five minutes, endlessly punctuated by 'DD, no!)

Simonjt · 15/11/2021 19:12

A family member wasn’t able to keep their children safe, so one was temporarily placed with me by SS, he then never left, so it was decided for me! I would definitely always choose to have children, yes its tiring, stressful, even emotionally painful at times, but for me anyway it is more than worth it.

Can still have fun, go out etc when you have children, your social life changea of course, but it doesn’t have to end or become a twice a year affair.

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