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Original poster

50/50 co-parenting- kids don't feel like they have a home and I don't know what to do

17 replies

Flamingo49 · 14/11/2021 15:08

My partner and I separated 6 months ago and currently share equal number of nights for our 5 and 3 year old, although I do more daytime care for our youngest who attends preschool part-time. We live a 5 minute drive from one another and have settled on splitting the working week in half and then each having the kids every other weekend, with the idea that the longest the kids would go without seeing their dad would be 4 days. The problem is that the kids refer to the two houses as "your house" and "daddy's house" and it just breaks my heart that they don't consider they have their "own" house. Has anyone else had this issue, and what can I do? Their dad is highly defensive and any discussion about this would no doubt result in a "you're not taking the kids away from me" type of response, so I want to be able to have a few ideas to suggest first.

OP posts:
Ricetwisty · 14/11/2021 15:11

The fact you both live so close is great, it's significantly more challenging if going between homes involves a load of travelling, or makes school runs etc unmanageable. It sounds like it's still fairly new, it will take time to adjust for everyone, but I don't think it's too unusual for children of that age to view things quite literally- your house, daddy's house doesn't mean that they don't feel comfortable and at home in them.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 14/11/2021 15:12

How long has the arrangement been in place? I’m not a fan of 50/50 for children, particularly small children, but I also wouldn’t interpret “your house/daddy’s house” as an indication that the DC don’t think they have their own house. It’s just the obvious names for the locations. If you asked them to go to their bedroom they would go to the room in your house or their fathers house that is their bedroom.

NuffSaidSam · 14/11/2021 15:14

I'm sure they also think of them as their homes, it's just the way they're expressing themselves.

I do think a 50/50 split is hard for the children though, constantly being moved between two places. I'm not sure there is anything you can do about it though.

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LolaSmiles · 14/11/2021 15:14

I would take "your house" and "daddy's house" to be an expression of fact that one house is where you live and the other house is where daddy lives.

FlowersNoScent · 14/11/2021 15:16

Have you thought of telling them they have two homes instead of one? Your house and Daddy's house are both their homes.

cowburp · 14/11/2021 15:16

I don't think there's anything wrong with mummy's house and daddy's house personally. As they get older they might see one more as home.

Original poster
Flamingo49 · 14/11/2021 15:18

Thanks everyone. I probably am reading too much into it (and have a lot of mum guilt as well), I just feel sad that they might never refer to "our house". I would prefer it not to be 50/50, especially with my youngest who is very attached to me, but he is a good dad who wants to parent equally.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 14/11/2021 15:19

I think the best thing for children would be that mum and dad do the moving around and the children stay in a family home....but understand that there are very very few (?any) adults who would be prepared to sacrifice their autonomy to this extent. (or have the money to allow for a family home and two "pads")

If this is not an option then a joint parenting plan is a good way of making things as similar as possible between homes. For young children keeping routines as similar as possible will help with transitions eg what food for breakfast, bedtime routines, rules for TV, sweets, snacks etc even keeping bedroom decor the same and favourite toys travelling between homes.
It's a large undertaking but if you and your ex can parent together this will lessen the stress for your children.

Ozanj · 14/11/2021 15:19

I think you’re projecting. At that age ‘your house’ etc is just how they categorize the two places in their heads. They probably do view both equally as home.

Ozanj · 14/11/2021 15:23

@Flamingo49

Thanks everyone. I probably am reading too much into it (and have a lot of mum guilt as well), I just feel sad that they might never refer to "our house". I would prefer it not to be 50/50, especially with my youngest who is very attached to me, but he is a good dad who wants to parent equally.
You need to fill the time they aren’t with you with activities so you don’t think about it as much. Meet friends, date, go on trips etc etc
WonderfulYou · 14/11/2021 16:01

They have two homes.
If they’re talking to someone they’ll say mummy or daddy’s house just do they know which one they’re talking about but they’ll know that they’re both their homes.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/11/2021 16:06

The only other way to do 50/50 is with nesting. So the children live in one home 100% of the time and the parents take turns staying there. It makes sense in a way in that it’s the parents that can’t live with each other now, so they should be the ones splitting time between home and a flat instead of the children being shuttled to and fro.

Rtmhwales · 14/11/2021 16:20

I think you're overthinking this.

I have two step children, they were 2 and 5 when their parents divorced. It was mummy's house and daddy's house. They adjusted fine.

But I also have a DS myself, who lives with DP and me 100% of the time. He never says "my house" or "our house". He calls it mummy's house. And he graciously allows papa to live there Grin.

So between the three boys, there's their mum's house, papa's house, and my house. It's just how kids identify things. In the boys' case 50/50 really has been in their best interests. It's years on now and they're happy well adjusted kids with great relationships with both parents. They don't mind going back and forth.

Mistymountain · 14/11/2021 17:00

Why don't the adults move between houses and leave the children in one place. Especially as you live so close to each other.

megletthesecond · 14/11/2021 17:02

It would be easier for you and her dad to move back and forth. Much easier than them moving.

Original poster
Flamingo49 · 14/11/2021 17:06

Unfortunately I run my own business out of my home, so I have to be in this house to work.

OP posts:
Fantail · 14/11/2021 17:50

My DD was 4 when her Dad and I separated. We do 4 nights with me and 3 with her Dad and we’ve had the odd issue, but generally it’s been good for her and us to spend equal time with both parents. She’s now 11. Some weeks now she’ll stay an extra night with me and others with her Dad. They do start to adapt what suits them best at this age.

A lot is semantics. They know they have two homes, but need to clarify to avoid confusion.

They are probably hearing it from you “time to go back to Dad’s” or he says “time to go back to Mum’s”. Neither of you mean it it’s not their home too.

If it helps, I think 50/50 can work well. It’s about good communication between parents and a degree of flexibility too.

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