My DD aged 22 has just had a diagnosis of ADHD

[Struckbylightning]

My DD has always been a high achiever, very driven and self motivated. Always a pretty perfect child, never gave us any bother. I was totally amazed when she told me in her 2nd year at Uni that she thought she was not neuro-typical. She has finally had her assessment and been told that she has ADHD.

I have been talking to her about it and doing lots of research into it. I’m just not sure what to do now and how to best help her

Any advice would be very gratefully received.

Lucky girl. Help is on its way for her if she has a diagnosis. Girls get missed.

@Shouldbedoing - I'm interested in what help is in its way, as my DD is on a waiting list to be assessed- I also have the same questions as the OP!

Does she want medication or support with coping mechanisms?

There's very little support in the NHS beyond medication. If she's still at university they may be able to offer more support in coping mechanisms.

At uni she can apply for dsa to help her pay for any support she needs

I'm in my 50s and feel I fit the profile. [No diagnosis].
Great, she has been diagnosed now. I have achieved lower than my potential and have organisation/ messy issues that have /still impact on me.
Your dd has the time to develop strategies as young. Good luck to her and you.

My daughter was the same, got diagnosed at 17. Breezed through secondary school, started to struggle in 6th form, couldn't organise herself, hypo focus on one task, messy, her school put her forward for assessment. Girls, like in life, just seem to get on with it and mask it better, so are always missed. My youngest boy was diagnosed young and we have gone down the homeopathy route and he is a different child now.

The kind of help
Meds, mentoring/counselling, PIP, knowledge that she is not neurological but now she can find the workarounds.

Where would the mentoring/counselling come from? From what the OP has said, it doesn't sound likely that she would qualify for PIP.

My son was diagnosed ADHD at 15 and interestingly I was diagnosed at the same time. I was 45.

My son took methylphenidate (Ritalin) to get him through his GCSEs but absolutely HATED being medicated and stopped taking it at 17. He found it took away his personality, his vibrancy, made him feel dead inside and mostly took away his love of his hobbies.

It sounds like your DD has hyper focus as part of her adhd which would explain how she has done so well academically. My son also has hyper focus and uses it in one of his hobbies (bodybuilding) and is training to be a PT now and says how much he loves the hyper focus part and would never give up having ADHD now as he sees it as a good thing. However he can't own a wallet or car keys, phone or AirPods without losing them weekly. Everything he owns has to have an Apple Airtag attached to it for tracking things down. He also has to use reminders on his phones a lot to get to places on time and lots of list making and tick boxes to get things done.

Being diagnosed myself was like a massive realisation of who I am and made a huge amount of sense to me. It's not changed anything really though. Apparently I have been making modifications in behaviour all my life, learned and self taught things without realising why, to fit in with social norms. Perhaps that's what your daughter has been doing too. Little things like I cannot have a radio on or people talking near me when I'm working. I can't go to a friends house without asking them to turn their tv off or radio off while we chat (they do it automatically for me now) as I just start listening to that instead! I am not good in large groups, much prefer 1 to 1 chats or small groups as I can't focus otherwise. I can't watch films with too many characters or with multiple plot lines or stories going on as I can't concentrate and get lost. I have to work backwards in steps from a time if I have to be somewhere or do something I work through the steps extremely precisely, hence I am always exactly on time for everything, but it takes a huge amount of effort. These things and many more examples are all things undiagnosed adult ADHDers have always done in their heads to get through life.

One things that's interesting is I do drink a lot. One glass of wine is enough to take away my racing thoughts and calm me and allow me to focus (same with caffeine). My son also is fond of alcohol for the same reason. I look at my family history of quite a few seemingly extrovert alcoholics and wonder if they were all ADHD too as there is a strong genetic link. It's a well know fact that substance abuse and self medication is extremely common is people with adhd.

Excuse my long rambling post!

I'm ADHD as well as a few other things. This is a really good place to read about things. www.additudemag.com/
It's a bit American but I find it really useful. But feel free to ask me anything. I'm 46 and been diagnosed about 4 years.

Lynette, you can get mentoring through dsa if you're at University.
Charities specialising in support for neurodivergent people sometimes offer counselling but also universities have counselling for students.

Also on paper I met that description of perfect/good in school etc but I get pip. It depends whether you meet the criteria and can demonstrate it (plus get lucky with an assessor who is a human).

I wonder how she got her diagnosis as they usually want parents input as the symptoms have to be present since early childhood.

@Softwonder - bloody hell, I sound so much like you and I would never in a million years have thought I have ADHD- no wonder DD is on a waiting list- she's much worse than I am!

Btw I researched loads into natural treatments and on loads of forums about adhd this supplement came up over and over. Apparently the brain lacks a certain fat in people with adhd. This particular fish oil high in EPA replaces it and has a very positive effect. My son has taken it religiously now for 4 years, 3 capsules in the morning with breakfast. When he runs out he asks me to get more. He's 19 and strong minded so definitely wouldn't carry on taking them if he didn't feel they did anything.

igennus.com/products/vegepa-high-strength-epa-fish-oil-with-gla-omega-3-omega-6-60-capsules

They also come in a fruity chewy version for small children. You can get them on constant repeat order on Amazon as well.

@wizzywig

I wonder how she got her diagnosis as they usually want parents input as the symptoms have to be present since early childhood.

For adults?

I don’t think any of our students (HE) have parental input into their assessments

My DD was also diagnosed in her 20s. She has ritalin which she uses when it's very important that she can concentrate. Mostly what the diagnosis has done is to ease the depression and anxiety that was caused by struggling to do things that she felt she ought to be able to do (she's very bright but struggles with executive function) Since the diagnosis she's been more open to coping strategies and has made new, ND friends. She's stopped beating herself up for under achieving and is looking at different ways of making a life/living that utilise her strengths, not her weaknesses.
I wish your daughter the very best!

@Loopyloulou007 , would you mind saying what remedies helped your son as I would like to try this route for my DD before going down the meds route. Thank you.

You don't need to do anything except listen and be supportive :)

I was diagnosed at 25 and I think my mum worried a bit that I might see it as a negative thing or a limitation, but diagnosis was fascinating and positive to me as it helped explain so many things I'd struggled with since my teens.

She's still the same person so likely isn't expecting much from your end except just to share some news of what is going on for her.

I once bought my mum a fridge magnet saying "Don't try to understand me, just love me". I think that sums it up :)

I got diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, dyspraxia and dyslexia this year. I’m 31 and it was missed my entire life. Like your DD, I was very motivated and high achieving… until my routine was removed by covid and my coping mechanisms went to shit.

The only thing I’d suggest is to be supportive and listen to what she needs. My own mum has taken it very badly and made the entire thing about her; she actually told me that if I’m going to ‘insist on talking about it’, I need to bear in mind the impact it has had on her. Apparently I’ve made her feel like a shit parent and that’s never going to go away

My DD is also at uni and diagnosed. Her uni disability service have been really engaged and useful.

The help she has been able to access is - extra time in exams (the most helpful thing tbh). Plus her tutors know, so if she might need additional time for essays they are accommodating. (She has only used this as a last resort though, is more the thought of it being there that is reassuring).

Through student finance she has a DSA grant, so she's been set up with a laptop with assistive tech like talk/text speech thing, premium grammerly for 2 years, loads of other assisted tech.
DSA also provides a weekly counselling service which she is not sure how useful that is but is engaging with it at the moment. More helpful was the CBT type sessions which she did with an ADHD charity.

She also has medication which is the thing I'm least happy about tbh, but she says it is helping her concentrate so whether it is the placebo effect am not sure.

But the main thing is she has made sense of her 'state of mind' and is much happier because of it.

So I would deffo say go to the uni disability team in the first instance and see what help they can signpost for her. And the gov.uk website has info on applying for the grant. (It does take a while for that to come through though - at least 6 weeks.)

*(I only mean I am unhappy about the meds because they gave her side effects of nausea and I wasn't sure they were the best fit for her. But she is an adult (just!) at the end of the day so I can only counsel and listen, not impose).

@kindlyensure

My DD is also at uni and diagnosed. Her uni disability service have been really engaged and useful.

The help she has been able to access is - extra time in exams (the most helpful thing tbh). Plus her tutors know, so if she might need additional time for essays they are accommodating. (She has only used this as a last resort though, is more the thought of it being there that is reassuring).

Through student finance she has a DSA grant, so she's been set up with a laptop with assistive tech like talk/text speech thing, premium grammerly for 2 years, loads of other assisted tech.
DSA also provides a weekly counselling service which she is not sure how useful that is but is engaging with it at the moment. More helpful was the CBT type sessions which she did with an ADHD charity.

She also has medication which is the thing I'm least happy about tbh, but she says it is helping her concentrate so whether it is the placebo effect am not sure.

But the main thing is she has made sense of her 'state of mind' and is much happier because of it.

So I would deffo say go to the uni disability team in the first instance and see what help they can signpost for her. And the gov.uk website has info on applying for the grant. (It does take a while for that to come through though - at least 6 weeks.)

If she is on stimulant medication, it’s definitely not a placebo effect. I’m due to start meds in the next few weeks and I absolutely can’t wait.

I’ve made a lot of ADHD friends through facebook groups plus I follow ADHD content creators online and the general consensus is that stimulants are a revelation. Apparently they instantly quiet the constant buzzing and thoughts that race 100mph every minute of our lives, making it possible to finally wash the dishes or brush your teeth. I find the most basic tasks totally overwhelming and meds slow everything down and make it possible to focus.

I’m glad to hear they’re working for your DD!

Yes, I probably hoped they were a placebo, but the nausea suggests not! She says they are working for her, really focusing. Dunno. As a mum is difficult to think of your kids medicated. It is all new to us so just feeling our way around it. But with the diagnosis came the massive 'Aha' moment - for all of us!

My son took his meds as a one off to finally pass his driving theory test last month. On his 5th attempt.

On the way home from the test centre he remarked that if this is the way normal brains think, in a continuous line of thought, one thing at a time moving onto the next thought in a fluid way, he didn't like it. He preferred the jumpy chaotic world his brain normally is! He said everyone else must have really boring thoughts! Made me smile.

Oh wow, so many replies so quickly, thank you all.
I have been on Mumsnet since the dawn of time, but still never figured out how to quote and reply to posters.
I think she was struggling at Uni and several friends of hers suggested she may have ADHD or something else, so being who she is she did a lot of research then took herself off to the Doctor. He was very good and listened and asked certain specific questions, agreed with her and referred her to (wherever). She was on the waiting list for a long time, but the assessment has now been done and it’s confirmed.

She has said that if they offered her medication she would take it, but I’ve heard about what pp said about how it can make you feel deadened and I don’t think she would like that.

She is still at Uni but is now a post-grad, but I’m sure there will be counselling and maybe other support.

As for parental input; well I feel terrible about it now, but it never occurred to me for a second. I was always ultra impressed by her organisational skills, especially around school work. It would all be incredibly neat, notes colour coded and stuck with post-it notes. I now realise that that was how she learned to cope, she taught herself coping mechanisms and there was a shit-load of masking going on. Obviously it’s not my fault as I never even knew there was such a thing, but I still feel bad for her!

Thanks you for the link Stuffragette. And for the suggestion of fish oil, I will pass that on.
And thanks for all the insights Softwonder. DD does get hyper focused but then is also a total flake sometimes, loosing phone, purse etc and when she does she gets really really mad with herself.

If nothing else, as a couple of people have said, the diagnosis will help her to better understand and accept herself. And that is so very important.