Just so so so unhappy

[BrokenLampShade]

Not sure where to even begin
I literally can’t think of a single thing in my life I’m happy about
Not happy in my relationship, can’t really talk to partner
Have very very very difficult children and am starting to really hate being around them, I actually actively avoid them most of the time
Then I feel like the worst mum in the world and spend a lot of time crying about how I feel about them
Never do anything
I have one great friend who I do do things with, she’s very proactive and just says ‘oh I’ve booked us this’ or ‘let’s go here on x day’ and I do, but I mean as a family, we do fuck all - it is very hard to do anything with the kids anyway because of behaviour but I absolutely dread weekends because it’s so obvious how little we have to do - we pretty much all just get up and go on various screens until bedtime
The house is a tip. All the time. Only me that ever does anything about it and I just can not be fucked anymore
I just cry every second I’m alone atm
I’m just so unhappy and I have no idea where to start

Just a bit of a rambly post because I can’t really say to anyone that I hate my life and everyone in it in real life but fuck me everything is shit.

Book an appointment with your GP on Monday. You sound seriously depressed. I've had many years of depression and I recognise myself so clearly.

There are plenty of online diagnostic tests you can try. Doing a couple might help you clarify where you stand. But your OP is pretty much a diagnosis all by itself.

I'm so sorry you feel so rubbish. Have faith that things will get better. But don't blame yourself. My old doctor said depression is the cruelest illness because it's the only one that makes you feel it's your own fault.

Sympathy.

I agree with pp, this sounds like more than normal bad day, this sounds like depression.

How old are your kids?

Oh
I wasn’t expecting those responses
I hadn’t even considered it was anything beyond I was a shit mum and my kids were really naughty
I’m not even sure how anyone would respond to me saying I’m depressed, I know DP not my Mum ‘believe’ in depression
What would I even say to a doctor?!

@steppemum kids are 12, 9, 6 & 3

Other people's reaction is not important when looking into it, it's how you feel that's important.

You have four kids and the youngest two are still very young, that would challenge anyone. DS has ADHD and is lovely but very noisy and I can imagine, for example, if I had two like that it would feel like an exhausting challenge, so you have a lot to contend with - go easy in yourself. I'm sure you're not a bad mum, but you have a lot on your plate.

Why can you not talk to your partner? Do you think too much will come spilling out? Will they be unsympathetic, or your think they're likely to be?

say what you said in your OP including the bit about just sitting and crying because it is all too much.

4 kids, and not much help?
I'm not surprised it is all getting to be too much.

There are some charities which offer families support and help. We have one in our town called Safe Families. It works with the council, and they help people who are, like you, struggling, but not actually in need of council or social services help.
You can just ask for help and the charity matches you with a volunteer befriender, who is there to give you moral support. They can also help with some practical stuff. Eg one lady I helped, we sorted her dds bedroom out together as she had an issue with hoarding toys (mum not dd)

The kids need to get out the house at the weekend - they're probably playing up because they're bored.

Your DP and Mum need to step up and help out here. It's tricky to find something all those ages can do together. Can your Mum have say eldest for sleepover? DP take couple of them out? Then you meet mate with the other one?

Try to get DP & Mum to help blitz house - eldest kids too.

I don't know if you're depressed or just overwhelmed and too busy or tired to get motivated. Having 4 kids must be hard work.

Also your friend sounds nice - can she have kids while you tackle the house?

You have children at really disperate ages- I had this too - you can't please them because they all want so many different things. Please be kind yourself x

You have a 9 year age gap, nothing will make them all happy. Divide and conquer when you can.

That’s all sounds so hard. Four children - you must be exhausted.
Try and get them up and out before lunch. Try and make a packed lunch before you go. Just simple butties and crisps will do. Let them walk in the woods if you have any near you. By 3pm it will be starting to get darker. Head home and let them have their screens - go easy on yourself.
Make yourself an appointment to see your GP soon. You sound exhausted. Take care, x

@Echobelly the 6 year old has ADHD, and the 3 year old copies everything he does, most of my time is spent taking things off them, stopping them fighting, physically lifting them off the back of the couch/climbing on the banisters/climbing in the door frames, I really can not take them out they both just bolt and I can’t catch them, or I’ll put them in reins but they just dick about pulling and pulling or twirling or refusing to move or one will lie on the floor screeching while the other is pulling me
I leave most places frazzled and sweating and generally in tears
Even things aimed at them - soft play, parks, fields with a scooter and a ball so they can get some energy out just descends into chaos and I give up, go home and throw an iPad at them

Partner really isn’t a sympathetic kind of guy
If I say what I’m unhappy with or what we need to change he gets defensive/accusatory and lists all the things I need to change or will start listing all the housework he has done that week and what I haven’t done so I never walk away feeling any better, in fact I usually give up and walk away from him in tears too

@converseandjeans I would never ever ever ask anyone to have the kids (read above)
My mum is the only help I had and now she’s caring for my dying Nan so it’s just me most of the time

broken that sounds tough. I really think your DP needs to step up. He could take the 6yo outdoors & at least give you and the other kids a break.

I'm sure your Mum could cope with elder ones - by 12 they are almost a help.

Also look into Home Start for some support.

Can you afford any activities for kids? Mine used to do footie, gym, swimming to burn off energy.

You're partner needs a rocket up his backside then. You need to take it in turns so you get a break from the youngest kids, Are the older 2 a bit more manageable? Could you go out with them sometimes and leave him to deal with the younger ones at home?

Yes DP could stay with the little ones while I took the bigger ones out, thing is I’m just in such a fucking mood all the time I don’t even want to, if I’m getting away from some kids I want to get away from them all (which is when the guilt kicks in because I know that’s not fair)
The elder two are more manageable yes, they bicker and fight and the 12 year old has moments of being a huffy teen but compared to the younger 2 they’re utter angels
I never appreciated how good they were when I just had the two and I do often daydream about what a life we’d have if I hadn’t had the younger 2 (yes I know I’m a horrible person)

They do a couple of activities during the week, football, cheerleading, swimming (not the 6 year old, he’d kill himself) but it’s just an hour here and there, doesn’t even take the edge off plus getting them ready and out the door takes hourssssss so not entirely worth it really

The irony is that they all behave much much better for DP so he could possibly take them all out on his own, he just doesn’t
Thing is with DP is he says he will do a lot of things, help with a lot of things, we’ll start doing xyz on specific days and at specific times and getting out every day, he’ll take over this and that, but then he just … doesn’t! It’s very frustrating. I feel like I’m just stuck, it actually feels almost claustrophobic- my world just doesn’t move. It’s never still but it never goes anywhere at all!

broken he does need to support you here. It sounds like the 6yo is the most challenging. Is there something they can go to which would give you some peace? Climbing, rugby, footie?

If they behave for DP then he should have a routine where he takes them out. Maybe if you had just a couple of hours a weekend peace you might function better.

Have you seen GP or health visitor about ADHD?

We’re in the midst of diagnosis battles with the 6 year old yes, but honestly he’s textbook so I’m hoping it won’t be much longer
He does play football for an hour twice a week
I know everything that DP should be doing, but realistically I can’t force him to
I’ve considered ending it just to get a break every now and again when he has the kids, but then the thought of being 100% solo with them the rest of the time terrifies me

I feel a little bit brighter today, maybe because we’re closer to Monday and school
It’s usually the weekends that feel like a big black hole and make me feel hopeless

Thankyou all for your insights

Bloody hell 4 kids and zero support, I couldn't cope with that at all.
My aunt had 4 and her place was always a mess and constantly LOUD.
i agree you sound like you are at the end of your rope, definitely see your GP about antidepressants, I've suffered with complex mental health problems and find the medication makes life worth living again.
When you are depressed it's pointless trying to do anything because you can't. Once you feel better its so much easier to get on top of things.

I’m definitely going to ring the GP tomorrow
I’ve been Googling and reading and I think you may all be right
I actually hope you are because then at least I can take tablets to make it better, whereas the alternative is just carrying on like this forever and I really really don’t think I can do that

I'm really glad you're going to contact your GP. That's a start. Antidepressants won't solve all your problems but they may make them easier to tackle.