NC with narc mother but am I wrong? Doubting myself 😞

[DoIevenBother]

Been virtually NC for couple of years now. Except for minimal contact (always initiates by me eg happy birthday or happy Xmas that’s it really out of politeness I guess?)

I suffered severe emotional abuse as a child. Oddly though for every 10 awful things she y do 1 nice so then I’d think ‘oh she’s not so bad’ it really messed my mind up.

It’s what she’s always done I wonder if it’s some kind of narc trick ?

Anyway she’s a draining person. I’ve felt better being NC but lately I keep thinking should I give her another chance? I see others out for coffee with their mum etc and I want that too but I know it wouldn’t be ‘real’ as there’s nothing reciprocated with a relationship with her it would be me contacting me arranging me paying and me having to listen to her talk about herself and she doesn’t care so why am I even considering it ??

I often feel guilty when it wasn’t my fault! I know if I never contacted her again she wouldn’t care she has dsis who she adores (golden child) who she lavishes time money and help onto and she doesn’t need me .

Maybe it just is me being sentimental and wanting a mother daughter relationship that’s not possible ? I’m really doubting myself and I hope there’s someone who has been through similar who can offer some advice

My dad does that. I'm 56 now and occasionally I still fall for it, for a moment or two.

It is endless. Even after a few decades of low to no contact.

You just have to mentally nod and smile, acknowledge that you were tempted by it and move on.

I don’t think you’ll get what you’re seeking. You are happier with things as they are. Of course you still crave that mother/child bond but she can’t give you that because of how she is. It’s much harder to cut contact again once you’ve let a narc back in. Personally I’d leave things as they are.

Don't feel guilty, you're protecting yourself by being NC with her.
I would say your inner child needs some comforting, perhaps your still looking for that love and emotional happiness you didn't have.
You can be a lovely mum to your inner child with lots of praise, treats and kindness especially when you get something wrong or feel lonely.

Unfortunately you want something that doesn’t exist.
I used to miss my Narc Dad but realised I missed the idea of him more than the reality.
You would be much happier fully NC probably

If you give a narc a second chance they might behave for a bit but they can't keep it up; you end up kicking yourself, and you have to go through the whole palaver of going NC again.

Grieve for the relationship you never had, and vow that if you ever have kids you wont make the same mistake with them.

Yes i think it’s definitely the idea of it rather than the reality I think it’s this time of year I just feel stupid in wanting to go for coffee/Xmas shopping and having someone to talk to 😞

My mum was very emotionally abusive (and continues to be if I don't draw clear boundaries). We are not NC though and that would feel wrong to me. I accept that she was doing her best with the resources and capacity that she had available to her when I was a child (and now). I have an arm's length relationship with her now and it works ok. I actually enjoy her company for short bursts of time, and then I pull the drawbridge back up. This feels like the best approach for me.

“Maybe it just is me being sentimental and wanting a mother daughter relationship that’s not possible ? “

Yea sadly I think you are just being sentimental. People like this are rarely capable of change.

I feel your feelings too. I see people with beautiful mother and daughter bonds and wish I had that, it’ll never happen though because my mum is simply not capable of it. Sounds unlikely your mum is capable of having a healthy relationship.

Good on you for having low contact with her. If no contact is right then 100% go for it.

@Lightstoobright

My mum was very emotionally abusive (and continues to be if I don't draw clear boundaries). We are not NC though and that would feel wrong to me. I accept that she was doing her best with the resources and capacity that she had available to her when I was a child (and now). I have an arm's length relationship with her now and it works ok. I actually enjoy her company for short bursts of time, and then I pull the drawbridge back up. This feels like the best approach for me.

This was what I was considering

It’s always around Xmas that I question myself as she would be hateful to us virtually all year but we had these amazing wonderful Christmasses and my poor mind has somehow focused on that and not the severe abuse for 50/52 weeks of the year 😖

I’m similar to @Lightstoobright I see my mum weekly. My kids enjoy seeing her, but I have firm boundaries both in terms of when I will see her and in boundaries in my interaction with her (I do stranger type small talk, but never talk about anything personal).

If it wasn’t for my kids loving her I’d never see her.

I do think is it a clever tactic to be hateful majority of the time then suddenly when the victim (me) was at breaking point switch to over the top niceness to cause confusion and make me question my sanity

@DoIevenBother

I do think is it a clever tactic to be hateful majority of the time then suddenly when the victim (me) was at breaking point switch to over the top niceness to cause confusion and make me question my sanity

Yes totally. Probably helps her justify her bad behaviour in her head too.

I'm in similar position except golden child is a brother. A brother who had virtually no contact for decades whilst I was the one being run ragged with her demands and manipulations. He came back in her life a few years back (I think in hope of money/inheritance as she was in her 80s by then and he'd just lost his job). I finally put in place some boundaries, very politely I hasten to add, after some particularly bad behaviour from her (eg waking me up screaming down the phone on my birthday about a trivial problem that I had to act on straight away. No happy birthday, card or present..... Never have from her). She obviously didn't like this as in nearly 6 decades I'd never said no to her out of fear and obligation. The results were explosive, called me nasty, a liar all sorts so I left. She obviously thought I would crack first and contact her but she had made me so ill I was close to cracking up, I jumped and shook every time the phone rang as it usually did multiple times a day. (I've since changed ring tone but still gives me a reaction if I hear same ringtone on the TV). I didn't contact her just waited and enjoyed the peace and her pride got in the way so she didn't ring me. Now been about 3 years and the peace is bliss! Golden child can suffer her for final years I've had enough.
Grieve for the relationship you should have had and deserve but try not to revive it with someone incapable of giving you what you need I'd say......... and I'm trying to do the same! Like you though I remember the occasional nice act, although few and far between, and it preys on my conscience but I have to remind myself that she nor my bully of a brother have one!!

@whatinthelord I don't think narcissists do justify their bad behaviour in their heads as they feel they are always right. They are nice to you merely to manipulate you to get them what they want.

[quote Mossstitch]@whatinthelord I don't think narcissists do justify their bad behaviour in their heads as they feel they are always right. They are nice to you merely to manipulate you to get them what they want.[/quote]
Yes I almost feel like it’s done in anticipation of ever being called out for their shitty unkind behaviour I’ve had it so many times where I’ve said ‘you emotionally abused me, humiliated me, bullied me, on some occasions physically abused me and made my childhood hell’ and I would get back something ridiculous like ‘No. you’re just taking things the wrong way and you’re not remembering correctly. In actual fact I was run ragged providing beautiful Christmas dinners and if you remember correctly on the 17th March 1987 I got you a toy for NO reason and on the 2nd august 1990 do you remember I got you your favourite ice cream ??? Now stop being so horrible ! I tried my best you know ! Your father didn’t even care or he’ll me I may as well have been a single parent’ then floods of tears and shaking saying I scare her whenever I dared to stick up for myself

I'm going to go against the grain by sharing my experience. But this is not to say I think you should end NC....just that things aren't black and white.

Same as you...v v difficult narc mum. Hard childhood, teenage years...all continued til my 40s the screaming rages, control, insults, silent treatments.

I went NC for about two years.

I then went through a v v bad experience. (V bad with many implications and consequences).

My mum was there for me. No one else really was. I saw that my mum loved me and saw her personality disorder as something she was cursed with and suffered from. It wasn't all there was to her. I had more compassion.

But I also had much stronger boundaries. I would find myself able to model and expect acceptable behaviour. Anything less was not tolerated.

She moderated with age and by no longer being the same myself, I was able to bring a decent reship with her.

In short, is there any evidence she has truly changed a little ( a little is all it will be but it can be enough)? Are there things you miss and love about her, or is it just guilt? Do you feel you have changed in other relationships and are able to handle bad behaviour differently and not be affected deeply by it?

I think if you are happier as you are then there is no point in rocking the boat. It is very hard to feel any peace of mind when your upbringing has been problematical and it is easy to doubt oneself.

My poor Mum must have suffered severe PMT I feel as she was a bit Jekyll and Hyde which was incredibly difficult to live with as a child - I hated it. When I became an adult I used to limit my contact with her and felt very guilty that this meant I was not the sort of forgiving person that I would have liked to be. But stuff that happens when you are a child is very powerful and, even if you understand why a parent might not have been ideal, it is very much hard-wired in you to feel resentment.

I honestly think you need to keep back from this and try to find peace with that decision - it is a sensible one. It sounds as though your mother is not bothered either way, so you are not hurting anyone. You only have one life to live, and you have to have some faith in your own goodness.

And the image of happy mums and daughters can often be skin deep - so do not let that influence what you do.

Oh OP no advice but me too. Mine died 3 months ago and while I feel I know I did the right thing at the end (sat with her at the hospital and took care of things when she was admitted to hospital) I remember those feelings so vividly. I only cut her off when she started being rude to my DD. It hurts like a bastard tbh.
All I can say is that it is NOT your fault, so many women without children I'm sure would love to have a nice dd like you.

What you are aching for is the mum that you deserved (a really nice one) and not the one you got. I’m sorry. Inviting her back into your loge is just going to hurt even more when she doesn’t live up to the fantasy (and she still won’t).

Just remember you deserve far better

It might help to make a list of the reasons why you are NC that you can keep handy and refer to in moments of self doubt. I’ve been NC with my mother for five years and every so often I’ll have a moment of weakness where I wonder if I really did the right thing. Then I look at the list of all the vile things she has said and done over the years and I remember that I’ve done the right thing. Could be a useful thing to do?

It's really hard isn't it? It's not a parent in my case but I get you. She would time when to be nice to suit her plans and be a total cunt the rest of the time.

I think you just want what we all want a good relationship with family but if that family member doesn't feel the same way then you just have to keep your distance, you can't change people and they tend to bring out the worst in you when you do see them.

I've been fully NC for over 4yrs and for the biggest part of that time I am at peace with my decision but now and then I do get what I originally thought were pangs of guilt but really it's just regret....regret that we didn't have the relationship that we could have, no relationship is perfect but one that is good enough is good enough for me but she didn't want that.

As you say, Christmas is coming up and that is the time we tend to reflect on these things, I'm all for making up but not at any cost.