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Original poster

How can I help my mum out at Christmas without letting on?

27 replies

HelpingToHelpHer · 13/11/2021 12:04

Mums not great with money, and as a result has said she can’t afford to do a big Christmas, but is still doing Christmas lunch for 8 of us. Her money issues are not her fault, shes not working, she was supposed to be but they withdrew the offer, Job Centre didn’t believe her and so only give her UC as if she’s working (about £100 a month), she is appealing but probably won’t have the back pay by Christmas if she gets it.

I want to help her out, I’ve offered to bring a course or part of one but she said no and insisted she’s doing it all, but she’ll leave herself without any money at all in January and I can’t have that. I’ve offered cash but she won’t take it.

So far I’m planning to put money on a supermarket card and tell her I won it in the works Christmas raffle - there is a supermarket card similar in the raffle so won’t arouse to much suspicion and work don’t announce winners anywhere but internally so mums unlikely to find out (and if needs be I’m sure if I emailed the HR manager he’d be fine with saying I won it, when I’ve had face to face’s with him he’s said his own family are proud like that too)

But is there any other subtle ways I can help her? She will not let me share her financial struggles with anyone going so need subtle ways I can help her.

OP posts:
happytoday73 · 13/11/2021 12:09

Can you erm help her out with Christmas gifts.. Ie say your child wanted a nerf gun..spot a good one.. Send her a message saying.. Saw great gun for DC and its on sale half price x price... Shall I pick it up now as they are flying?
.... And only tell her it was small %of real price?
Same with bits... Saw this on a 3 or 2 mum do you want for DS?
That type of thing could work
Booze for Christmas day saying given it by work?

Camomila · 13/11/2021 12:10

I'd ask again if you could make the pudding - not to help your mum out but because you "saw this really great recipe on bake off and really want to try it out"

Make her a hamper of non-perishable as a present, really fancy versions of things she'd buy anyway like tea/jam/biscuits.

Bonbon21 · 13/11/2021 12:11

Can you encourage the rest of the family to give her favourite toiletries and supermarket vouchers for Christmas? Or a very personalised food hamper to at least get her through January..
Its very difficult to deal with...

Maybe you could suggest to someone else in the family that it is such a lot of work for Mum to do Christmas dinner for everyone and THEY could encourage everyone to bring/contribute to a course... then it wouldnt be you pushing the idea... or could you all get together and eat out/ get food delivered??

Caspianberg · 13/11/2021 12:14

Tell her you won a Christmas hamper? Include the Xmas pudding, shortbread, brandy butter, chutneys and cheese?

Original poster
HelpingToHelpHer · 13/11/2021 12:14

Thanks everyone, love the toy idea, I don't have my DD Christmas Day (she's with her dad) but that could work especially in Boxing Day sales.

Will encourage rest of the family to help as well. I love the baking idea, I could make a cake/pudding and say I wanted to try and make it and we might as well eat it now I've made it.

The hamper idea is genius too.

She won't go out to eat, she says it's not a proper Christmas if someone doesn't cook it at home with all the trimmings.

OP posts:
mumofone2019 · 13/11/2021 12:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Caspianberg · 13/11/2021 12:16

I always do the reduced cost thing above for family too. If I see something for Ds I know they wanted to get, I tell them I can get it this end to save postage and tell them its x amount even if it’s way more.

Original poster
HelpingToHelpHer · 13/11/2021 12:16

@mumofone2019

Could you buy a few longer life items (mince pies, christmas pudding, anything frozen) and say you ordered a shop and these items came in error and the supermarket told you to keep them? Ive genuinely had this happen before and you could say you wouldnt use them so could you bring them over for Christmas. Do it a few weeks in advance so she also doesnt buy these items.
I could get my Grandparents to do that (they're the only other people who know shes struggling) as we're cooking there anyway.
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shoofly · 13/11/2021 12:19

I echo all the lovely suggestions above but can the UC decision be appealed? Can a local Councillor / MP or advice centre help?

redtshirt50 · 13/11/2021 12:20

Will she be buying alcohol?

In a similar vein to the gift card one you could say that you got given an early secret Santa of some fizz and won’t drink it by yourself so you’ll bring it round on Christmas (or something to that affect

GoodnightGrandma · 13/11/2021 12:23

Take her a hamper of nice things she would buy anyway.
So a nice jam if she buys it, M&S biscuits if she buys biscuits.
If you buy this for her she won’t have to buy it in January, but buy nicer so it looks like a present.

Original poster
HelpingToHelpHer · 13/11/2021 12:24

@shoofly

I echo all the lovely suggestions above but can the UC decision be appealed? Can a local Councillor / MP or advice centre help?
She is appealing but it's likely to go to tribunal, our local MP is about as much use as a chocolate teapot, but she does have someone helping her can't remember who they are though.
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Rainbowqueeen · 13/11/2021 12:29

Are the other people who are going likely to contribute anything eg alcohol? Could you give them a gentle nudge so that they do?

Perhaps organise to have your mum over for meals at other points during the festive season like Boxing Day so she doesn’t have to cook then and see if other family members will do the same

Original poster
HelpingToHelpHer · 13/11/2021 12:31

@Rainbowqueeen

Are the other people who are going likely to contribute anything eg alcohol? Could you give them a gentle nudge so that they do? Perhaps organise to have your mum over for meals at other points during the festive season like Boxing Day so she doesn’t have to cook then and see if other family members will do the same
She'll come to me or I'll cook at hers (I'll pay for it all) when I have my DD over new year, she'll "repay" me by babysitting for me and I'll let her do it even if I don't need it (my DDs 7 so pretty easy to look after now and can manage without a meal)
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SnoopsCaliforniaRoll · 13/11/2021 12:33

Perhaps you could also help her out a bit in January so that her bills / costs are kept low eg perhaps you could do a few big shops for her (if you could afford to do so), prepare some meals for her fridge/freezer or have her over for some meals?

It will mean her money will stretch further in what can be a very long month...

Original poster
HelpingToHelpHer · 13/11/2021 12:37

@SnoopsCaliforniaRoll

Perhaps you could also help her out a bit in January so that her bills / costs are kept low eg perhaps you could do a few big shops for her (if you could afford to do so), prepare some meals for her fridge/freezer or have her over for some meals?

It will mean her money will stretch further in what can be a very long month...

Will have her for meals, I'm a single parent so doing a big shop for her is beyond me but I will suggest it to my grandparents, they're always trying to help, they're both pretty good with the internet so I suspect they could "accidentally" have their food shop to my mums for her.
OP posts:
RoseDog · 13/11/2021 12:38

In January, at the start, order her an online grocery shop of all her favourites/staples and just tell her to wait on for a delivery on that date and time.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/11/2021 12:56

I think you need to plan a bit longer term. Let her ‘do’ Christmas at hers.

You can always shove ££ in a sock drawer for her to discover - or offer her the ‘won’ shopping vouchers as a thank you for dinner.

You could buy some tins or long life foods as PP suggested and just say you saw them on offer and brought a few.

TrulyPistoff · 13/11/2021 13:16

Could you and your family/siblings get together and make an advent calendar for her? Wrap 25 gifts and she can open one every day until Christmas. I did one for my mum a couple of years ago, she loved it!

Original poster
HelpingToHelpHer · 13/11/2021 13:26

@TrulyPistoff

Could you and your family/siblings get together and make an advent calendar for her? Wrap 25 gifts and she can open one every day until Christmas. I did one for my mum a couple of years ago, she loved it!
Ohh lovely idea thank you Smile
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fluffyblanketfeatherpillow · 13/11/2021 13:38

Funny thing you have just won a giant joint of meat in the butcher's Xmas raffle. And because its way too much for you to eat on your own, can you please stick it on the table Xmas day?

Pumpkinsonparade · 13/11/2021 13:42

I always host Xmas week tbh.. Adult dc put money in a kitty towards all food and treats. Maybe suggest lots of your friends do that and if it's good enough for them maybe you should all give it a try!!?

TheCreamCaker · 13/11/2021 13:44

How about buying some nice Christmas food (biscuits, cake, tea, etc) an making up a hamper?

rainbowzebra05 · 13/11/2021 17:42

My partner's work did a thing last year to support local businesses. They bought staff hampers that had stuff like a joint of meat, some cheese, a cake, all in a basket but they'd got the bits from local businesses to make them up. Is your work suddenly feeling particularly community minded and it'd all go off if you kept it beyond Christmas?

Or have you accidentally over prepared freezer meals for yourself and could really do with her taking some off your hands for you?

My mum used to invite me round for tea more when she knew I was absolutely skint

Original poster
HelpingToHelpHer · 13/11/2021 18:05

@rainbowzebra05

My partner's work did a thing last year to support local businesses. They bought staff hampers that had stuff like a joint of meat, some cheese, a cake, all in a basket but they'd got the bits from local businesses to make them up. Is your work suddenly feeling particularly community minded and it'd all go off if you kept it beyond Christmas?

Or have you accidentally over prepared freezer meals for yourself and could really do with her taking some off your hands for you?

My mum used to invite me round for tea more when she knew I was absolutely skint

Thank you these are great suggestions
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