Has anyone managed to make themselves more outgoing?

[garlictwist]

I have always been quite a shy, socially awkward kind of person. I don't feel I've ever been the life and soul of the party and struggle with small talk (or any talk, really).

Last night I met the new girlfriend of one of my friends for the first time and was kind of in awe of her. She was so chatty and warm and gave such a great first impression - everyone was commenting how nice she was.

I feel like I have a lot to learn from her and wish I could be like that - she had loads to say and had ingratiated herself with the group in minutes whereas it's taken me years.

I wish I could be more outgoing but not sure how to start. Has anyone managed to make themselves a chattier, more fun version of themselves, and if so - how?

Well, what do you think is behind your social awkwardness?

I am like you too and unfortunately the ONLY thing that works is being drunk.
When drunk I’m so confident and chatty and know all the right things to say.
I only get drunk about 4 times a year.

You might go off her pretty quickly- it sounds like she was probably putting on a well rehearsed show, which is endearing at first, but feels very fake and affected after a while.

I'm very shy myself, but I've come to realise I prefer people who take a while to get to know, and who open up more with good friends than with new acquaintances.

Don't fall into the trap of feeling you should be more like someone else xx

How old are you OP? I am more outgoing now in my 50s than I was in my teens and twenties. My children tell me I talk for England and will chat to anyone. I recall being a completely tongue tied teenager, and struggling in early adulthood to say the right things at the right times. I had quite a sheltered upbringing and literally forced myself out. One trick I used was to deliberately smile more. People respond better to smilers o think, and then social interaction becomes a virtuous circle

I'm 40 so should be more outgoing by now, I feel! I don't really drink as it makes me fall asleep so I can't really do that.

I'm not sure why I am socially awkward, I have just always found socialising quite hard. I do have friends and think I am a nice person to know when you get there in the end (!), it's just I don't really give a great first impression and wish that I could change that.

I'm a total hermit and dont care to be around people much but I have to for work.
I've learnt to copy the most popular people and become popular myself but its quite tiring.
Watch people who get on with other people and practise at home. Start small. Work up. Try
10 minutes then longer gradually. Prepare conversation topics and remember people love to talk about themselves.

@ViceLikeBlip

You might go off her pretty quickly- it sounds like she was probably putting on a well rehearsed show, which is endearing at first, but feels very fake and affected after a while.

I'm very shy myself, but I've come to realise I prefer people who take a while to get to know, and who open up more with good friends than with new acquaintances.

Don't fall into the trap of feeling you should be more like someone else xx

What a horrible thing to say! You can be nice, chatty and genuine you know

OP, I have gotten better at this and it's two things. One, feeling more comfortable with myself and two, practise. It also helps if you are genuinely interested in the people you are meeting. Prep some questions beforehand as a fall back if necessary and just smile. People love talking about themselves

Yes. The key was to pretend to be more confident, imagine yourself more confident and then just feel the fear and do it anyway.

I have a bit. I've naturally got more chatty and friendly as I've got older. I've never really been shy- just quiet and a bit socially awkward! Now I'm less worried about saying the wrong thing or looking daft it's much easier.

What really helped me was, I started doing supply teaching (not suggesting a career change!) Having to go in different places and chat to new people meant I had no choice. I just did a 'fake it till you make it' sort of thing. I just tried to be bright and breezy starting a chat with people. In the past, I'd probably wait awkwardly for people to start chatting to me and feel really uncomfortable. So instead of just saying hello, I'll always say something like, hello, how are you doing? I'm freezing. It took me ages to defrost my car this morning!

I think I probably talk too much these days 😳

You don't need to change who you are. It's ok to be quiet.

However, yes I did make myself less shy - by pretending. Just acting, basically. Fake it. Be someone who isn't shy. I did it when I went to uni because no-one knew me and I decided I didn't want to be thought of as shy anymore.

I am still quiet, definitely not outgoing, not the type of person everyone warms to immediately. I loathe being the centre of attention. But I'm not crippled with shyness like I was as a child.

It is OK to be a quieter sort of person. We can't all be the same and quiet people have just as much value as more extrovert people. I think there's a difference in being an introvert vs lacking confidence and feeling a bit awkward. I can tick all those boxes myself. I try to work on my confidence and self esteem whist accepting that I am and always will be a bit introverted. I highly recommend a book called Quiet by Susan Cain. It's really empowering for us quieter types and talks about finding your place in a world where extroversion is a more desired trait.

Fake it! Have a couple of things to say and some questions to ask. People love talking about themselves and will fill gaps if you give them the excuse. Also, fundamentally, get a bit comfortable with being awkward. Everyone is a bit awkward in their own way, you just don't notice when you're spending every social interaction overthinking your own actions. I would 100% rather talk to someone awkward and sincere than someone who it feels like is Doing Conversation at me.

Lots of good tips here.
The asking questions thing is so useful. I still do this a lot (mind you I'm also nosy!)

@ViceLikeBlip

You might go off her pretty quickly- it sounds like she was probably putting on a well rehearsed show, which is endearing at first, but feels very fake and affected after a while.

I'm very shy myself, but I've come to realise I prefer people who take a while to get to know, and who open up more with good friends than with new acquaintances.

Don't fall into the trap of feeling you should be more like someone else xx

How mean-spirited — from what the OP says, there’s no evidence at all to suggest this new woman was doing anything other than acting as she usually does.

But I’ve noticed a trend on Mn to claim (I realise it’s defensively) introversion as the better/more genuine/sincere/ intellectual mode of being, while extroverts are stereotyped as alpha airhead loudmouths.

But this is often from people who confuse introversion with having poor social skills, or shyness, or anxiety — there are plenty of introverts who are happy and at ease in social situations, it’s only that they need time to recuperate afterwards, as being with other people doesn’t replenish them the way it does extroverts. You won’t necessarily be able to tell an introvert from an extrovert in company.

Yes, I have, from working in different places, moving around a bit and generally forcing myself to chat to people. It never comes very naturally and I am very very tired after an evening socialising (unless with family/people I know very well - this doesn’t tire me at all). However I’m definitely better at it for putting the effort in and it helps that I can now spot awkwardness/social anxiety in others and don’t judge people on it! One of my good friends is as awkward and uncomfortable in social situations as I am but you would never know - he comes across as a real social butterfly, everyone wants to talk to him and thinks he’s great company - finding out what was going on under the surface has been very helpful as I would never have guessed that he spends the time before a social occasion wishing he didn’t have to go, rehearsing what to say in his head and generally dreading it.

You could try reading “The Charisma Myth” by Olivia Fox Cabane. She says charisma can be learnt and practised.

@Hatethisplacetho

You could try reading “The Charisma Myth” by Olivia Fox Cabane. She says charisma can be learnt and practised.

I haven’t read this, but it’s quite clear from many of the other posts (and there are lots) from people who can’t make small talk, or struggle in company, that it’s often because they’re only thinking about themselves throughout the conversation, wondering whether the last thing they said sounded stupid, worrying about how they’re coming across, planning their next remark etc. The upshot is they aren’t paying the remotest attention to the other person, because all their attention is on themselves.

And it doesn’t in fact make a difference that they’re self-obsessed because they have poor social skills rather than because they think they’re a goddess — the effect on the other person is the same. They can feel the person they’re talking to isn’t actually engaged.

Yes. Naturally I’m quite an introvert but for work I’m really expected to “network” (internally and externally) and get to know people. Basically just keep trying and it gets easier! Don’t get me wrong I don’t think anyone will ever describe as some super charismatic, life and soul of the party sort of person. I would still never throw myself a birthday party or anything like that but I no longer feel shy and awkward in social situations.

So yes, like others have said, fake it until you make it. And ask people questions about themselves - most people love talking about themselves!